You can't fool me, there ain't no Sanity Clause. (A Marxist thread)

A major AMEN to that, Eve!

You know the PC phrase ‘differently abled’ ?

In the Paramount films, Harpo was genuinely differently abled. You could never be sure if he didn’t talk because he couldn’t, or because he simply found it a superfluous means of communication that he’d evolved beyond. Perhaps the worst moment in Marx Brothers history was when Irving Thalberg reduced Harpo to doing charades to get a message through to Chico in A Day at the Races. At that moment, Harpo became disabled: he clearly wanted to talk, he couldn’t, and his lack of speech, from then on, was a handicap.

“Either this man’s dead or my watch has stopped!”

“Ace of spades!”

“Remember men, we’re here to defend the honor of this woman, which is probably more than she ever did!”

“I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.”

Margaret Dumont: “… I’m afraid after we’re married a while, a beautiful young girl will come along, and you’ll forget all about me.”

Groucho: “Don’t be silly. I’ll write you twice a week.”

Groucho: I want to register a complaint.

Captain: Why, what’s the matter?

Groucho: Matter enough! Do you know who sneaked into my stateroom at 3:00 this morning?

Captain: Who did that?

Groucho: Nobody - and that’s my complaint. I’m young, I want gaiety, laughter, hotcha-cha! I want to dance until the cows come home!

Captain: Just what do you mean by this?

Groucho: Another thing, I don’t care for the way you’re running this boat. Why don’t you get in back seat for awhile and let your wife drive?

Captain: I want you to know I’ve been captain of this ship for 22 years!

Groucho: 22 years, huh? If you were a man, you’d go into business for yourself. I know a fella started last year with just a canoe; now he’s got more women than he can shake a stick at, if that’s you’re idea of a good time!

“Why…I’d horse-whip you if, I had a horse”

My own personal philosophy in life: “I wouldn’t join a club that would accept me” (or something like that)


“I dunno. Why a duck?”

honk honkhonk whistle

“And two hard-boiled eggs. [honk] Make that three hard-boiled eggs.”

“East is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.”

“Sure we shadow him. We shadow him all day.”
“What day was that?”

“I haven’t been so insulted in all my life.”
“Ah, it’s early yet.”

“And I thought my razor was dull until I heard this speech.”


“How do you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?”

“That table is set for four.”
“That’s nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”

“How much would I have to pay you to jump into an open sewer?”
“Only the cover charge.”

“Excuse me while I hide in the closet.”

“What are you doing in that closet?”
“Nothing. Come on in.”

“You’re pretty shy for a lawyer.”
“Of course I am. I’m a shyster lawyer.”

“Is Roth out there, too? Tell Roth to wax the dean for awhile.”

“you’ll bring in the opera and they’ll let you into high society… then you’ll marry me, and they’ll kick you out of high society… and all you’ll be out is 12 thousand dollars.”

“i’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening… and this wasn’t it”

“i’m Maurice Chevalier… if the nightengales could sing like you…”

“Pardon me while I have a strange interlude…”

“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

And the following are from I’ll Say She Is, the Broadway show that got the film career rolling. The full script can be found here.

Groucho: You are going to be convicted of murder.
Beauty: What makes you so confident?
Groucho: I’m going to be your lawyer.

“How do you do your honor. I am here to convict a beautiful woman of murder in the first degree, homicide in the second degree, and suicide in the third degree. Let me know when I get to seventy degrees. Are you with me? Here’s a dollar on account. I would explain this case but what’s the use. He wouldn’t understand it, you wouldn’t understand it, and I wouldn’t understand it. I am certainly glad to before a Judge whose hand has never been tainted by the lure of gold. A man who is not only unbiased and unemotional but is practically unconscious.”

Well, I NEVER!

You should some time, you might like it.

“Oh, you’re a dancer! Do you know this one?” (kicks his legs over his head in a strange jig)

(head trapped in a pot) “This hasn’t happened since the last time I crawled under a bed!” (I had to explain to my girlfriend what a chamber pot was – I dumped her shortly after)

“A telegram?”
Harpo grabs it, looks at it, and throws it to the floor angrily.
“He gets upset because he can’t read.”

“Hey, you big bully! What’s the idea of picking on this little bully?”

“Hail, Hail Freedonia, land of the free!”

“You sir, are meritricious”
“…and the same to you sir and a happy new year”

“Nine dollars change, please!”

“You know it’s a funny thing: I’m not drunk, but what’s the ceiling doing on the floor?”

“No ice in mine, it takes up too much room!”

(My brother and I loved the much-shunned “Go West” most of all for some reason. I think we watched that tape every day after school for about a year!)

Heya Vogue…

Boo :wink: