Samsung, LG, Mitsubishi, Dell, and all the rest of you thick-skulled assrags: listen up, and listen good. I may be typing this in plain text, but my marketing manager has assured me that through the magic of THE INTERNETS, you will be getting this pitting in HIGH DEFINITION. You may want to put earplugs in, because I hear Comcast High-Speed Internet delivers my ASCII posts in Dolby fucking surround sound seven-point-three-point-two and then some. Put on some oven mitts and welder’s goggles, because your keyboard and monitor are going to shoot actual flames at you as I, your humble Pitter, let loose my True Digital SharpRant[sup]TM[/sup] technology.
I have a regular definition television. You know I do, because you’re showing me and millions of other football-watching Americans advertisements to entice us to buy an HDTV this Christmas. Your marketing departments have really hit a goddamn home run this time. “We’ll show them what HDTV can do!” they must have said. “We’ll put a little girl and an elephant and a box with little mirrors, and they’ll have to buy it!” Well, I hope the elephant grabs the box with mirrors and jams it up your ass, and I hope the little girl gives him a handful of high-definition peanuts for the deal. I’m watching football in regular old low-def, and no matter what crazy tricks you do with parallax, Hitchcock zooms, saturated colors, or any other fancy Hollywood shit, the picture you send me – even if it is brighter and sharper than Obi-Wan-fucking-Kenobi’s-goddamned-lightsaber – is going to come through the same copper cable, into the back of the same television I’ve had for five years now, and I’m going to see your amazing, super-ducking-fooper advertisement in plain old low-def teevee.
“Holy shit!” your ad execs must be saying, “he might as well be using rabbit ears! He’s probably running the television off of a coal-fired steam generator!” Nope - my picture looks like the same picture most of my buddies have. In fact, it might even look a little better. However, the fact remains: while I’ve got a pretty nice television, it ain’t HD*, and so I can’t see your HD content. Would you advertise a closed-captioning device for deaf people on the radio? Would you put up a billboard with the hotline for illiterates? Would you hire a man whose entire cranial cavity was filled with delicious chocolate pudding, and put him in charge of your advertising budget? YES! Most of us wouldn’t, but apparently, this sounds to you like a peach of an idea!
So, HDTV manufacturers, you can go ahead and show me your HDTV standing on a bright background, so its frame looks extra sharp and black and the picture inside looks artificially bright; I won’t see it, but I hope you bled from the eye sockets checking the dailies on an HD monitor. You can stick your “genuine digital reality” and cram it up your piehole sideways so that each of the 1,080 lines of crystal-sharp resolution lacerates your colon. You, and the little girl, and the box of tiny mirrors, and the eidetic high-resolution pachyderm can all go re-enact a version of The Aristocrats that would make Bob Saget nauseous, and film the whole thing with a supercomputer cluster, attached with Monster Cables that would bankrupt Bill Gates, plugged straight into God’s Own All-Seeing Eyeballs, and still, I tell you, still: I will only see the commercials in regular definition.
Please stop wasting your money. Make way for a commercial that at least makes a modicum of goddamn sense. Get off of my teevee screen with your “simulated picture” bullshit, please! It may be low-definition, but it’s my teevee, and when I want to see John Madden’s pores, I’ll let you know.
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- it’s HD-ready, so I could get an HD tuner, but I watch maybe two hours of television a week on my own TV. I mainly use my TV as a monitor for my Gamecube.
