The PAM Scholarship
For the woman who stuff the most pool balls in her mouth.
Nice.
I hadn’t thought of contests. I’d have a contest for the best song lyric or poem on the topic of sewage treatment (wastewater if you want to be PC). People should know more about sewage treatment. The more factual and process knowledge shown, the higher it scores. Points if the song or poem is a recognizable filk.
Honestly, I’ve given this a lot of thought, though more on the endowed chair level: I’d love to endow a chair at Indiana University for the study of East/Central European Folklore. They haven’t had anyone in that area for years.
Tuba scholarship. In the event of multiple entries, the tuba player that has picked on the flutists the most wins.
I would award a five million dollar a year scholarship to whichever student writes the best essay.
The subject? ‘Why money doesn’t bring happiness.’
So you’d be checking to see if the carpet matched the drapes?
Funny I think I’d set one up for white males only just to balance out the kooky. But that would probably be frowned upon.
The Do-Over
Are you:
- changing schools and needing to cover moving expenses/start paying back money to the original school/moving out of state and paying higher tuition?
OR
-going back to school after you did a medical withdrawal, were a caregiver for someone, or just plain didn’t stick it out the first time?
You’re my people.
The “get me out of here” scholarship. For students who would sign up for the South Pole University in order to get the hell out of “home” (if the student is from the Southern Hemisphere, substitute Arctic Circle University).
The student still needs to have some idea of what they want to study and why, and they must keep abreast of their class for the scholarship to be renewed. That is: different universities and courses of study have different values of what’s “good” and “to be expected” - these would be taken into account when renewals are considered.
The “fuck my advisor” scholarship. For grad school students whose advisors have decided to screw them. The screwing must be demonstrable (“my advisor is a git” doesn’t count, a lot of advisors are gits; “this article published without my name is curiously similar to my oral exam’s report” does count). The scholarship covers expenses linked to moving to another school or, if staying in the same school but moving to a different department with worse funding, the funds differential.
There are only 4 degree programs at South Pole University: Snow, Ice, Wind, and Penguins.
The Non-Participate Scholarship would be my legacy. To qualify a student must have reasonably good grades from high school, a transcript indicating they took the necessary college preparatory courses, a decentish (nothing exceptional, just better than random chance) SAT or ACT score, and here’s the fun part, must never have participated in any extracurricular school sponsored activity while in high school. Non-school sponsored hobbies and/or jobs will be evaluated on a case by case basis. The winners will be determined from their application essays entitled "I Would Rather Just Read (or Play Video Games, Watch TV, Hang Out at the Mall, Compulsively Masturbate, etc.).
Oooh! Is it retroactive? Do I really have to do the essay?
Trekkie scholarships. You must write an essay on who is the best Star Trek Captain.
Also take a test on Star Trek.
Also costume contest.
Comment Deleted
I came in here to create that one! I hate joiners.
My second one would be to create the ‘fish out of water’ scholarship. Winners could could from a wide range of backgrounds but the main qualification is that they had to fit in extremely poorly in their high school but not in the usual anti-social way. They could be the one cowboy in an inner city high school or the lone drag queen at a rural redneck high school with dreams of starting a chain of upscale burlesque clubs one day. The purpose of the scholarship would to send them to a college far away where they could be united with their rightful flock for the first time in their life. I get to choose where to send them.
Maybe a scholarship for identical twins with rhyming names.
A Crazy Cat Lady Scholarship: must be unmarried and possess at least 5 cats. Must submit photos of cats. In costumes.
Honestly, though, if I had a ton of extra money, I’d give out scholarships for students in medical laboratory science. We need more good people in this field.
I’d offer two scholarships for mature students:
The first would go to the man who’d sired the most children on the same woman in the past 10 years that were still living.
The second would go to the woman who’d borne the most children in the past 10 years that were still living.
I would offer that one too… maybe open it up to males of all races… some universities are total clamfests these days.
I would offer scholarships to people who were really good knitters. Each applicant must submit a pair of socks, mittens, hat or scarf. Whichever item of knitting I like best for whatever reason, gets the scholarship. I get to keep all submitted items.
My other one would be the ‘Illegitimate son that I Never had’ scholarship. There would be a contest to find the high school student who looks just like I did when I was 18. Bonus points for having a mullet and wearing super-tight jeans.
I never wanted a son for real but this would give me a way to experience at least the financial responsibility of having one with none of the other parental commitments. The scholarship would also come with a generous beer stipend but joining a fraternity would be strictly forbidden.