You wake up tomorrow and find out that you are insanely rich. You can pretty much do whatever you want.
Fast forward a year after you’ve traveled the world and you decide you want to give back to the community and set up a college scholarship. But you don’t want to make it too easy so you decide to have some fun. What asinine scholarship do you set up? What kind of rules and stipulations are there?
Me, I would set up the Mediocre Scholarship. It’s only for, you guessed it, mediocre students.
Rules:
One can’t apply for the Mediocre Scholarship, as applying shows initiative, they have to be nominated.
They can’t be planning on going to grad school.
Their major can’t be one which is in high demand (no engineers).
They have to attend a school that has mediocre rankings.
Must maintain a GPA of between 2.0 and 3.0.
If they meet these requirements then their scholarship will cover all their books for a year. But only used copies.
I’d give a scholarship with recipient nominated from those who get exactly 1 point on a test, with the proviso that 1 point has to be difficult to get (e.g. no multiple choice with one answered and the rest left blank – I’m thinking essay questions, or mathematical proofs large enough to warrant at least 10 points per question, and there has to be at least 50 points on the test).
I’d set one up like the League of Red-Headed Men, except, of course, red-headed persons, natch. Further, it wouldn’t be sufficient to just have red hair, you have to prove that it’s natural.
Bonus money if you also have green eyes and freckles.
My scholarship would be available to Sophomores or higher with at least one change of major under their belt. I’d call it the “Math Isn’t My Strong Suit Scholarship”.
I’d also offer a full-ride music scholarship based entirely on Rock Band or Guitar Hero scores.
For my son’s alma mater: Best essay written entirely in song lyrics (complete lines only) that describes the current state of Canadian politics.
For my daughter’s: If you could have a joint exhibit with any artist living or dead who would it be and why. Please submit one item from your portfolio that would be focal point of the exhibit and explain which pieces of the other artists work you would display with it and how they would support it.
Applicants must write a fictional story demonstrating the benefits of the North Korean philosophy of self-reliance. The story must use the standard three-act structure, and be delivered exclusively in text-speak. Bonus marks for a live Twitter feed or the use of Leetspeak.
Lacunae M., Green-eyed freckled redhead, mother of 2 redheads.
Personally, I’d set up a fund that provides a stipend for students with creative names. It would cover the cost of legally changing their names from “Beighleee” or “Apple” or “L-a” or “Shithead” to something less idjitified.
The community college I am going to has courses in nuclear physics. Your student from Tulsa would have to pay international fees, but hey, that’s what scholarships are for.
Similarly, a scholarship for the best essay on how North Korea, under the fearless and extraordinary leadership of the current Great Leader, will destroy the South, the United States, and China too if it gets too uppity.
Also, a best essay scholarship for a comparison of the Cold War with the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoon, with a particular focus on the cultural relevance of Captain Peachfuzz.
I was going to suggest one for the most outstanding breasts but I forgot that Miss America already does this.
According to the CIA World Factbook, the US male/female ratio among college-aged adults is 1:1 and declines with age:
Sex ratio: at birth: 1.05 male(s)/female
under 15 years: 1.04 male(s)/female
15-64 years: 1 male(s)/female
65 years and over: 0.77 male(s)/female
total population: 0.97 male(s)/female (2011 est.)
Apart from that, I endorse your criteria. They’re certainly stupid, per the OP’s request.
