"You got your peanut butter on my paw!" "You got your paw in my peanut butter!"

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Damn you, Fatcat! shakes fist

Now, some of you know of the Legendary Fatcat. He who flushes toilets and sings like Ethel Merman.

This time he went too far!

Backstory #1:
Fatcat has dexterous paws. He uses his great big toes like fingers. If he had opposable thumbs they’d hands. He uses his fancy front paws to do fancy things like flush the toilet, and if his spelling wasn’t so bad, I’m sure I could have him type memos – such his the skill he has with his toes.

Backstory#2:
Ten years ago, Fatcat thought to himself “Hm. Any food that falls on the floor is officially mine. I must do something to improve my odds.” And so he invented the Pizza-Slap.

When his humans were watching a movie and ordered pizza, he’d sit next to them on the couch making goo-goo eyes that implored “please, may I have some pepperoni?”

Then he’d suddenly slap the top of your pizza with all his might to try to knock it to the floor – “Success!” – where he would grab a mouthful and run for his life. Rarely would this scheme work though. Granted the sight of his greasy paw print unmistakably imprinted in the melted cheese was enough to render even the most decadent pizza slice utterly unpalatable.

And so… Fatcat is not allowed to be on the couch if humans are eating in front of the TV.

Last Night’s Story:

I came home from the gym. Exhausted was I. No energy to cook. So I sat down in the leather armchair with crackers and peanut butter, to much in front of whatever mindless thing was on TV (I think it was Bush). Cracker in one hand, butter knife in the other, plastic jar of peanut butter on the chair between my knees.

Fatcat hopped up on the ottoman. He made goo-goo eyes. I looked at him suspiciously, protecting my crackers. “Hm,” I thought, “well, it’s not like he can Pizza-Slap my cracker from there.” I continued to dip my butter knife into the rich peanutty goodness and slather it on my crackers.

Fatcat waved his paw at me.

I waved back. “Hello.”

Suddenly he reached out – go go gadget arms! – clasped the lip of the plastic peanut butter jar in his Super Toes with his Super Toe Grip of Steel [sup]TM[/sup], and started to pull.

He was stealing the entire jar of peanut butter!

“Hey! Oh, no you don’t!” I grabbed the jar and pulled back.

Fatcat gave me his best what-the-hell-d’you-think-you’re-doing look, and redoubled his efforts. I was locked in a tug-of-war with the remarkably strong Flurry Flushing Fiend!

Heave!

Ho!

Heave!

Ho!

Then suddenly – Glut!

<Lucy van Pelt> AAAAUUUGH! My lips touched dog lips! I mean, my food touched cat paw! AAAAUUUGH!</Lucy>

His stuck his entire paw in the peanut butter! Up to his wrist. Then tore off down the hall leaving peanuty paw prints in his wake!

Groooss! He has destroyed the sanctity of my peanut butter! He has defiled my delicious snack with his grubby paw!

That bastard! Bad, bad, BAD cat!

I’ll show him! Let’s just see how he likes it when I rub my filthy hands all over his kibble!

2

Too perfect! I thought Fatcat was cool when I only knew about his flushing abilities. Now that I know about the peanut butter wrestling, I’m going to have to build a shrine.

3

One of our 4 cats knocked a can of baby formula off the counter onto the floor sometime during the night. That same cat took delight in walking through the now spilled formula leaving white powdery cat prints all over the kitchen floor.

And today I borrowed a floor buffer to try to remove some old glued on carpet padding prior to our new carpet installation tomorrow. The buffer worked great and soon I had mounds of old green foam rubber throughout the rec room. Lilly, our ditzy calico cat decided to roll around in a pile, then take off running through the house while covered in the foam. By the time I caught her she spread the foam all over the place. She is getting hers next Monday, she is going to the vet to be fixed.

4

Littlecat (who, in stark contrast to Factcat, is dumber than a potato) normally is afraid of “new” things. So while Fatcat was visiting Sniffs_Markers, I painted a 4’ x 4’ piece of plywood black, for part of a stage. I was confident she’s stay away from it.

True to form, Littlecat stayed away from it… It was “new” and smelled funny.

Until the very last coating of black paint. She jumped on to the platform and did an ew-sticky-ew-sticky-ew-sticky dance (with corresponding crooked ears) and then tore off down the carpeted hallway leaving a trial of black, oil paint paw prints.

I got it off with sandpaper.

She also once displayed her love by rubbing up against some freshly painted, white baseboards. Kind of like the feline paramour of Pepe Le Pew.

:rolleyes:

5

Nah, you don’t wanna be doing that. He already has an ego that’s bigger than most prima donnas’.

6

:: thanking the deities that Mud has never turned over the garbage pail, or learned how to get into the cabinets under the sink, or stolen food from the kitchen counter, or bumped anything off the shelves although there was one time she may have knocked over a cold incense burner, the kind that has a lit charcoal patty and a bit of solid amber melting on top, nestled in a two-inch deep layer of ashes (so the charcoal does not overheat the ceramic dish), and there were large shards of made done glazed pottery all over the place and ashes and kittie feetie prints all over the tile floor and the carpeting leading up to one very innocent looking cat who distinctly saw her invisible evil twin knock over the strange smelly thing that was sitting on the coffee table and suddenly vanish into thin air::

7

He’s not a peanut butter feind is he? Well, here’s to hoping he found the taste of the peanut butter on his paw vile and disgusting, and “Not Fit for Feline Consumption” so he won’t do that again. Looks over at Rhiow sternly, thinking if she turns that larcenous the purchase of soft kibble treats will halt forever

8

My parents have a cat much like this.

He has perfected the “sit on your shoulder while you’re eating and pull at your fork to get whatever you have” move.

He pulled an entire Thanksgiving turkey drumstick out of my hand once.

My first cat, Nougat, would sit behind my brother on the couch whenever he’d be eating a ham sandwich. Without warning she’d let out a HUGE sneeze, aimed directly at the sandwich. She always got what she wanted. :slight_smile:

9

Heh, something I’ve taken to doing to prevent larceny of my meals is to teach the felines that they will likely get “moochings” small, tiny bits of what I’m eating if it’s safe for them to eat. (They don’t get stuff with onions for instance onions are poisionus to cats AFAIK.)

Moochings only come to those cats who don’t try to steal, don’t paw the humans, or harass them in any other way. Moochings come to cats that wait politely and patiently, and who don’t try to steal the other cat’s bit. Whining is frowned on, but a polite inquisitive mew, or soulful eyes are a bit of a given. We don’t want to change their nature, just curb their bad behavior.

It actually works pretty well, because it’s presented as “rules” and they do get rewarded. We are careful with the amount we give, we don’t want them to be unhealthy. They also know not to pester guests for moochings too, I’ll note. Moochings come from Mom and Dad, but not other humans.

10

Oo! Fatcat would be banished for such a transgression!

Literally, the worst punishment that makes him utterly crazy is “banishment”. When he’s bad you yell “Get out!” or alternatively “Under the bed!” And if he tries to come out you point at the bed and yell “Under the bed!”

He hates not being able to be part of the action.

He has a bit of 'tude though. When I was in university and Fatcat was staying at my mom’s, and I came home to visit. He Pizza-Slapped my breakfast by standing on his hind feet and reaching up to the table (he’s a big cat and tall enough to just barely reach). That was a major transgression! Very bad! Not acceptable! Not at all!

“Get out!” I bellowed.

He looked at me smugly as if to say: " You must be joking. You don’t live here anymore. What makes you think you have any authority?"

So I called out “Ma! Tell Fatcat he has to get out of the kitchen. He Pizza-Slapped my food.”

Mom_Crayons came into the kitchen, looked sternly at Fatcat, who had his most loving “who me?” goo-goo eyes, and she pointed and said “Fatcat, get out!”

Fatcat bowed his head, his ears went back in anger, and he sullenly started walking out of the kitchen and into the living room. As he passed Mom_Crayons, he paused, gave her ankle a whack with his paw, and sulked his way into the living room.

See? He’s got some 'tude. And hates being kicked out.

His is trained not to beg or harass people who are eating at the table. Most of the time he is very good about it. But he has the occasional lapse. I blame my father who confused him. My father was visiting and decided to teach Fatcat to stand on his hind legs and do a weird pirouette with Doritos as the reward.

Sometimes if you were eating something that smelled really good he’d spontaneously start doing pirouettes in the kitchen. Freaked one of my friends out.

Hasn’t done it in years. If you give the command he just quickly stands on his hind feet and then wants the reward. He’s turned into a lazy bastard.

11

Ah, I’ve got one of those too.
He’s not as dextrous as Fatcat, thank goodness, but he’s really proficient at the slap game. And if anything hits the floor it’s definitely his because he’s lightning fast. One massive gulp and it’s history.

Funniest food/cat interaction in my house involved my gray tabby, a most clever fellow. I was lounging on the living room floor, watching tv, with an open bag of chips at my side. My cat had this way of moving so gradually that you never noticed he was moving at all. He stealthily worked his way up from behind me until he was right at my side. I never even saw him until he suddenly lunged forward, grabbed the bottom edge of the bag in his teeth and shot off like a rocket into the next room, leaving a cometary tail of chips in his wake. It was really sort of lovely. The best part was that he didn’t want any of the chips, he was after the crinkly cellophane bag-he loved playing with that stuff.
Upon preview,
Zabali_Clawbane-I’ve used that exact technique with my black kitty! She’s learned she can get tasty bits as long as she’s not pushy.
Only problem is, she’s developed quite a taste for nachos. :slight_smile:

12

Nachos? Like Doritos! Teach her to do weird pirouettes.

You cat looks evil. Almost as evil as Fatcat. Somewhere I have pictures of him doing his pirouette on his tippy-toes.

13

Mine actually has thumbs. He can grab small objects with one paw. But he’s never sure what to do with him once the grab has been made, so he generally flings his paw around until the object is loosed, tossing it across the room. Pen Toss was a favorite game when I was in high school. I’d sit at the table doing homework, he’d sit on the table watching. Once the pen was set down and my attention was on reading, the Great Seven Toed Paw of Doom would lash out, grab the pen, and throw it across the room. I’d fetch before he got the chance to bat it under the stove, start my homework again, and the game would begin anew.

He was great with the bowl full of decorative glass beads my mother kept on the coffee table, too.

Opposable cat thumbs are all sorts of entertainment, but it sounds like he’s nothing compared to Fatcat.

15

We finally just gave up and gave our cat her own place at the table. ^…^

16

No, he’s really more into drooling and cold-nose attacks than stealing body parts and consuming people 0_0