Hmmmm, let’s see, what can we do today? I got it! Why not shred the hell out of that sofa arm that Chris is always telling me not to do? I mean, I know that thing over there is a “scratching post” but where’s the fun in that? I mean come on. Anyway, should be time for supper soon. I can’t wait. Tuna, chicken, and turkey flavors all in one! Then, afterwards, I think I’ll curl up over the heating vent for a nice nap…at least until Chris gets home, in which I’ll tell rub up against him like the attention whore I am and remind me of why he puts up with my conniving acts every day.
Let me out.
Let me in.
Let me out.
Let me in.
Let me out.
Let me in.
Let me out.
Let me in.
Let me out.
Let me in.
Let me out.
Let me in.
Let me out.
Let me in.
Let me out.
Let me in.
Let me out.
Let me in.
…
I want something but I don’t know what it is.
“I want tuna, I want liver, I want chicken, please deliv…” what was that? Hmmm, something under the stove here…
: peeks under the stove :
yyyeah, a mouse! Great awd’a’mighty! That thing still here? Disgusting.
: walks over to Inigo Montoya :
“Meow!”
: walks off :
(last night)
Daddy’s Home! Daddy’s Home! Daddy’s Home! Daddy’s Home! Daddy’s Home!
OOohhhh, he has those really comfy sweat pants on!
Must sit in his lap! Must sit in his lap!
: Hop : Oh crap, I’, too big! Falling out of lap! Grab on! Uh oh, need claws!
Yes, the worst happened. A single claw sank itself completely to the catfinger. Through the cloth of my sweats and into the very end of a certain fleshy lap protruberance.
Owie. Owie. Owie. Owie. My eyes are watering in sympathy. And, seriously, make sure you clean that out really well, as cat’s claws are dirty nasty things.
Maureen
whose daughter had Cat Scratch Fever
“That stupid woman has gone and left me inside again. When will she ever learn that if she does that, I have to overturn the trash? There. That’s done. Time for my early morning nap. I should lay on her books and shed for a while now. Hm. Late morning nap. Oh, look. She left the butter uncovered when she made toast this morning. Well, there’s no way I can resist eating half the stick. Okay. I’ll eat, have my mid day nap, play with the plastic tie thingie from the milk, which I never get any of, then have my afternoon nap til she comes home, and then I’ll go outside. Wish the callous bitch hadn’t had me spayed, because that little black cat down the end of the block keeps coming in the back yard…”
ding dong
trot trot trot trot trot trot trot trot trot
“Hey, there’s somebody at the door! Waaaitaminute…I don’t have thumbs! Somebody open the door!”
<two leg person with thumbs opens door, lets in other two leg person>
“HI! HI HI HI HI HI HI HI wheeeeze HI HI HI! Apparently I haven’t seen you in YEARS! Even though you were here yesterday! Pet me! Pet me pet me pet me pet me ahhh, that feels good. Ahhh. So, do you have any food? Hey, I’m down here, hey! Do you have any food? Oh, you don’t have any food. Ok. I’ll be over here by the couch, in case you have any food later.”
snooze
Oh. Two legged mother dog moved. Must follow.
snooze
Oh. Two legged mother dog moved. Must follow.
snooze
Someone at door. Must bark like crazy to make them pet me.
snooze
Alert! Squirrel in back yard. Bark at door to be let out to save the world.
pee
Bark to be let in.
snooze
Big dog home. Bark like crazy to welcome him. Roll on back to be scratched.
Now time to hang out under the table to get fed.
snooze
Oh. Two legged mother dog moved. Must follow.
Did big dog say walk. Run to the door. Time for me to head for the school to see what treats are under the lunch tables outside.
snooze
I smell cheese. Let me run to kitchen to get some from big dog.
Jump on the bed, and put my muzzle in the air until the big dogs will howl with me. Then take up as much space in the bed as I can.
snooze They won’t let me sleep between them again? Jump off the bed and go into my dog bed.
snooze
::walks off, peevishly::
I see the interloper, who insists on trying to come between me and my Human-Mom, is returning from “the office” once again…
I will lie in wait behind this chair; when he gets within range I will attack and VICTORY SHALL BE MINE! I will rip out his jugular vein and strum it like a banjo! He will never know the silent approach of my feline talons; I shall have Human-Mom all to myself!
Here he comes…
Closer…
Closer…
Closer…
OH NO! TOO CLOSE! MY PERSONAL SPACE IS INVADED! ABORT! ABORT! RUN!
God, that was embarrassing.
He’s not dead; somehow he has escaped! He’s making what I assume to be signs of terror: rolling eyes and that word he says all the time; “goddamcat” or something like that. I think it must mean he is near death…
I will run ahead of him and lie in wait at the top of the stairs; when he gets within range I will attack and VICTORY SHALL BE MINE! I will sever his Achilles tendon and use it to string up his skull like a tetherball!
This time I shall not be thwarted.
Closer…
Closer…
Closer…
Oooooh! Oooh! Human turned over! She’s rolling over…that must mean that it’s time to get up! Time to get up! Wait…noooooo! She’s going back to sleep! No! She can’t do that! I want attention! paws human Pet me pet me pet me! Oh, itch! Itch! lick parts of anatomy I don’t want to think about Oh…I’ve stopped pawing my human! And she’s going back to sleep! Must show her how much I love her…I should lick her mouth! She’s pulling away…no! Not the covers over the head! Must bark…I’ll start softly.
woof woof woof woof woof
Human speaking: “Mia, dammit, it’s 3:00 in the morning. Please let me sleep? Please? I need sleeeeeeepppppp.”
Silly humans have such a thing about sleeping in. Time to go bug the other humans.
!*&@#&%^@! Not that white stuff again! Look how deep it is! Bet they won’t take me for a walk now…
Yep, it’s 11:00 a.m. and no walk. Come on, I gotta poop! You know I only poop on my walks - it’s not like I’m gonna do it in MY yard. Damn it, I’m gonna explode here! Gee, you’re letting me out on the front porch? Big deal, it’s not like the mailman is coming so I could nail his ass once and for all. Screw it, I gotta GO. WTF? I’m sinking in this crap…can’t get out…dammit…hey, get me the hell outta here! I should bite your ass for laughing at me. Grrrrrr.
Finally, a walk! No, not that sweater - the other dogs make fun of me when you make me wear that one. Dammit!
Yay! Out in the world! Well, time to poop. Ah, sweet relief! Hey, why do you always clean up after me? Poop is biodegradable you know! Hey, I think my butthole may have frozen shut. What the hell is this? We’re only going one block? What a gyp!
I’m SO bored. Screw Judging Amy and E.R.. BORING! Can’t we watch Cujo or Man’s Best Friend? C’mon!! Where’s the neighborhood cat? I want to kill something!
Hey, what is that? Pork roast? My fav!
Time for bed. Move over, jackass! You know I like to sleep in the middle…
Castle
Plant
Castle
Plant
Castle
Plant
Castle
Plant
Castle
Plant
Castle
Plant
Castle
Plant
Oh boy! Going outside! My favorite!
Oh boy! Barking at a squirrel at 6 AM! My favorite!
Ohhh, human yelling. Bummer.
Oh boy! Time to eat! My favorite!
Oh boy! Nap time! My favorite!
Zzzzzzzzzzz…
Oh boy! Going outside! My favorite!
Oh boy! Watching TV with the human! My favorite!
Oh boy! Going outside! My favorite!
Oh boy! Time for a walk! My favorite!
Oh boy! Time to attack a sock! My favorite!
Ohhh, spanked butt. Bummer.
Oh boy! Bedtime! My favo-zzzzzzzzzz…
She’s making me wear the Santa hat. Send help.
Fatcat
I’ll have what he’s having.
I want to be petted. Better meow and push my nose under human’s hand. No wait, I want to bite the hand. No wait, I want to be petted.
I’m just wandering through, you can ignore me. No, I said ignore me, not put me on your lap. I don’t want to be on your lap. I like it under the desk. No, I don’t want to look at that thing either. How can you stand looking at it all day? It hurts my eyes. Yes, let me go, dammit. Clickity-clickity-clack, all damn day. What is it with you and that machine? It’s just a folding hunk of plastic that makes your eyes hurt and clicks when you hit it with your fingers. You could be doing better things with your time. Like feeding me. Or letting me out. Yes, I want out. Again. Yes, I just came in five minutes ago, so what?
LEMME IN LEMME IN LEMME IN!!! IT’S COLD!!!
Look, I have a fur coat, you don’t need to hold me, I’ll warm up on my own. If you’re cold, stop wearing such skimpy clothes, and put on some socks. Really, the humans in this house. Now if you don’t mind, I have to use the facilities, and then I’ll be on my way. Out. Again. And you better not complain this time either.
WEEKLY UPDATE TO INVASION COMMITEE:
Rumours of 1920’s style death ray proven false - see attached message board thread.
Suggest start invasion soonest.
Asset SOL-33251956-123/A34.1 - (Lucky)
piddle… Mine!
piddle… Mine!
piddle… Mine!
…
All cockatiels must die! And then we’ll start on their human enablers!
(From Isidore and Azazel, ringneck parrots.)