I would admit it, do it again, admit it again, and watch the marriage eventually move into a half-“open” state, but keep on beating myself up over going behind my husband’s back for at least five years, and probably longer, after the fact, even though I didn’t have to any more.
In theory.
Once, in band camp…
Back in the old days, I didn’t mind if an SO played around, as long as I didn’t know about it. I didn’t want to know. I wanted to play around myself so I wasn’t going to begrudge someone else doing so. But if I knew it was happening, I hated it! I’m generally on the jealous side, but I also want to be fair. Discretion was of the utmost importance. I remember when my SO decided to 'fess up and tell me that he had slept with two women. I really hated him for awhile after that. I was so hurt. And if he hadn’t decided to tell me, I probably would never have known. Fine with me!
Now, of course, it’s pretty different. I’m older, less tolerant and not in the mood for games. And in this day and age, screwing around is not just a betrayal of a relationship, it could be putting someone else’s life in danger. Just my $.02
I hope I am never in this position. I have cheated on a boyfriend (not a spouse) and hated the ugly way it made me feel. I hated the dread, I hated the sneakiness. It was awful, and I vowed to never put myself in the position of having to feel that way again.
If I am ever so stupid as to actually cheat on Mr Cranky (something I can’t fathom), I’d do everything in my power to make sure it was a one-time event. I don’t know that I’d tell. I’d sit down the next morning and write myself a letter explaining my self-loathing, my regrets, my vow to never do it again. Then I’d mail it to myself and set it aside, unopened. Postmarked. Leave it unopened until (a) I feel tempted again and need a reminder of how the next morning feels or (b) my spouse found out.
If the spouse found out, then I’d give him the letter so he could know that what I was saying at the time were not just the platitudes one says when busted and trying to get out of it. I’d explain how mailed it to myself because I wanted to keep those thoughts safe and sealed, but I had to have the catharsis of writing it down.
Ugh, this makes me sick just thinking about it. I can’t imagine an affair being worth it, worth feeling so crappy about myself.
Oh, I’d probably just go surfing.
Umm… first, just 'cause I didn’t specify in my frist post, I haven’t ever cheated on my boyfriend, so I guess I can’t really say with surety what I’d do.
Second, the reason I say I’d tell him isn’t to relieve myself of the guilt. I think of it as if my boyfriend had cheated on me, I’d much prefer he tell me so we’re not hiding things from each other. It would hurt like hell, yeah, but at least I would feel he cares enough about the relationship to be honest with me.
I’d be more hurt about him lying to me.