Long story short it’s basically a Producers scheme, you personally have to be producer for a major Hollywood film with a 150 million dollar budget. However the film needs to be a bomb and a HUGE bomb, like “Earns less than 10% it’s budget back” territory and if it does so you get a 50 million insurance payout. But you can’t DELIBERATELY make it bad or else people might get suspicious and deny the payout you just have to make it something NOBODY would care about. Also you need to make it from an established IP to get the studio execs to approve it along with a couple of major stars that at least look good as names on a poster (and also inflate the budget)
My idea
Beetle Bailey: The Movie
Directed by Guy Ritchie
With Ryan Gosling as Private Beetle
Seth Rogan as Sgt Snorkle
Jason Statham as Lieutenant Fuzz
Tom Hanks as General Half-track
Kate Upton as Miss Buxley
An action comedy where Private Beetle accidentally finds himself locked in a broom closet when a group of bumbling terrorists take Camp Swampy hostage and only Beetle can stop them.
Given that This Movie managed to make a sizeable profit for its studio, I’m not sure that even a guaranteed stinker will become a guaranteed stinker.
At best I can propose a sequel, based around Zapf Dingbat fonts, and their wacky adventures. It will be animated, and voiced by cancelled television and movie actors, who’ll work cheap.
I will make a hyperviolent action horror movie about the Comic Sans font becoming sapient due to demonic possession and attempting to destroy humanity.
A WWI epic, in which I recreate one of the biggest battles of the war (like the Somme) in full-scale, using practical effects (I’ll dig miles of trenches all over Europe!).
The main character catches cholera in the first five minutes. The rest of the movie is then just him in a medical tent shitting himself to death while the battle rages on unseen just over the horizon.
A Remake of Birth of a Nation (really remake it, racism and all, don’t just appropriate the title like that 2016 movie about Nat Turner.
(And be sure to dress the KKK in those silly costumes with unicorn points on top of their helmets)
A CGI animated movie based on The Toonerville Trolley, because nothing is more doomed than an expensively-made cartoon based on a comic strip nobody remembers.
Fireball XL-5: The Musical – On second thought, forget it. This one might actually make money.
Milton’s Paradise Lost. As read by Drew Carey in front of a studio audience. No other actors, no special effects. Just Drew, on a stage, reading all 12 books of the epic 17th century poem. Scored by the great John Willàiams.
The Reddit Movie: AITA? Reenactments of AITA scenarios from famous Reddit threads, as curated for Facebook. Morgan Freeman narrates, mostly as a voiceover that tells the audience what they just watched.
ETA: The trailer will be various teaser clips from AITA anecdotes that don’t appear in the film.
That would be a bad movie, but will it be a bad movie that costs hundreds of millions to make? That’s the key bit here. It’s easy to make a bad movie, the tricky bit is to spend all that money and get essentially nothing of value out of it.
It has to star Mike Myers trying to be relevant, as in The Pentaverate, where he tried to capitalize on the Star Chamber Conspiracy meme.
Myers plays a washed-up former A-lister (himself) who tries to reinvent himself using AI. He covers his image and likeness with a hipper younger model, speaking in social media lingo he doesn’t really understand. He attempts a social media blitz that resembles but doesn’t understand the influencer model, and overdoes it with floating emojis that lack charm and appeal.
The movie ends with him doing something groundbreaking and influential in his real image, but the resolution is derived and cliche and resonates with nobody irl, but the movie tries really hard to pretend it works.
