I’d start with GHOST, which (it seems to me) missed badly a gigantic element for exploitation: Patrick Swayze’s character, you’ll remember, dies (is killed as a part of a financial scam of his “friend,” played by Tony Goldwyn) and his ghost tries to contact his wife, played by Demi Moore, to warn her of Goldwyn’s evil nature (and to say, “Hi, I miss you” and other treacle.) But Goldwyn’s character, who tries to get close to her, never actually hits on Demi Moore, which makes no sense to me, either in terms of male motivation or of the movie, which would be much improved by having Swayze eat out his heart as he sees his ex- being wooed, successfully, by his worst enemy. The fact that I find Demi Moore hotter than boiling oil is irrelevant here, though I would recast it with someone of equal hotness. It just bugs me that this wooing of the widow would drive Swayze’s character out of his freaking skull, and they barely hint at a sexual attraction between his enemy and his widow.
How about a grim ‘n’ gritty remake of Ghostbusters? In the original, it was played for laughs (fair enough for a comedy), but no one was ever in any real danger. In the remake, the ghosts would angry.
The Dean of the University and the Mayor would then be actively involved in summoning the spirits, a opposed to being incompetent buffoons. In the library scene, instead of flipping some cards, there’s some ripping off of heads. Make the containment a really dangerous piece of kit. Instead of just capturing ghosts, it 10’ diameter sphere that captures everything inside (walls, limbs etc).
Eventually, the Ghostbusters have to become successful, but with an evil Mayor etc, there aren’t going to be a montage of TV spots, but YouTube is surely a ready made solution to that.
At the climax, streams are, of course, crossed. The result turns out to be very, very bad. Instead of 10’ containment bubble, there’s a 100’ bubble. Big enough to swallow one Gostbuster entirely (hopefully it’s not the token black one). The film ends with the zapped scientist being eternally burned in Hell surrounded by his victims.
If it could be only one, then I’d have to get together with two other Dopers and remake the Star Wars prequels.
Caligula. More boobies.
The Disney movie Holes, which was based on the book by Louis Sachar.
Oh, how I dreamed of making that book into a movie as a child. It’d be gritty and violent and none of the story would be lost. It’d be controversial (for a film made from a children’s novel) and it’d be wonderful.
I can’t even begin to tell you how shit the Disney version is. Louis Sachar even wrote the screenplay, and it still turned out crap!
North Dallas Forty – seems like it’d be a cakewalk to contemporize NFL excess, that and Any Given Sunday sucked.
Sports movies as a genre would be easy to remake. Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper were great, but I think Hoosiers could be redone for a whole new generation of basketball kids (who should just watch the excellent original, but won’t).
Aliens vs Predator. I’d remake it according to the Dark Horse graphic novel.
Both Green Card and Four Weddings and a Funeral. I would remake them shot for shot and actor for actor, except I’d cast Julia Roberts in place of the empty skirt that is Andie McDowell.
I wrote a blog post on how I’d love to be able to get a copy of all the original footage of every take in the 80s fantasy movie Krull and recut it, redo all the visual effects and sound effects digitally, keep Lysette Anthony’s original voice track, and clean up every part of it to make it feel more like a modern film.
Not necessarily for any reason other than it would be interesting to see what I could come up with, and if it would be more entertaining than the original, or would I be trapped and end up with inherently the same film suffering the same problems.
Anyway, more in the spirit of the OP, I’d remake Disney’s animated Robin Hood. I’ve never liked it, and yet it’s a story that could be amazing using Disney’s more recent 2d animation style and storytelling.
What the hell is wrong with you?!! It’s Ghostbusters! It’s supposed to be funny & triumphant over the creepy!
Geez, I thought I was morbid…
As for me, I dunno. My unwritten proposal for a proper adaptation of Watchmen (the trick is to subvert Alan Moore’s work as much as he subverts his source material, without looping back around to the Charlton Action Heroes)? Eh.
Now, sequels, sure. A sequel to the Matrix trilogy where we reveal the real fate of Neo & crew–in the real Earth, late 20th Century, completely doped out & delusional, finally committed to long-term care.
Or my sequel to Highlander II–not to Highlander, but to Highlander II, using its premises. It’s set on Zeist, which I don’t really have to heavily reimagine, just…imagine.
Er, what’s your definition of hits on? There’s a scene where Carl (Goldwyn) is visiting Molly (Moore) and intentionally spills his drink on himself as an excuse to take off his shirt. He almost succeeds in seducing her, except that Sam (Swayze) lunges and knocks over the picture of him and Molly. This is a really important scene since, aside from underlining the theme of the dead keeping an emotional hold on the living, it makes Sam realize that he has the ability to move objects.
I love Ghost. It’s near the end of my “movies I would remake” list.
Starship Troopers. With a lot more respect for the source material.
I was rewriting the Transformers movies as I was watching them. How can you make a battle between good giant robots, evil giant robots, and the U.S. military be so goddam boring.
Return of the Jedi
I would keep up to the escape from Jabba and rescue of Han. Instead of Ewoks, they would encounter a tribe of Wookies. Instead of Death Star 2.0, the final mission will be an assassination attempt on the Emperor by an assault on his flagship/destroyer. The scenes with Luke, Darth and the Emperor would stay. On Endor’s moon (which is now properly populated by wookies) Chewbacca emerges as an eloquent and skilled negotiator, who persuades his people to aid the rebels and help destroy (insert Plot Device here.) At the end of the film, when the Emperor dies, all of the Imperial officers collapse, and then revive as though waking up from a deep sleep. With his dying breath, Annakin/Darth issues Order 542 to the Stormtrooper clones, causing them to stand down and take orders from the new Senate, of which Leia is now the Chancellor. It is revealed that the Emperor was using the Force all this time to maintain control over the Empire, and his death causes everyone to return to their democratic ideals.
Brokeback Mountain - I would have at least let the two of them go off, start their ranch and be happy for at least a couple of years together - and then had the tragic ending. It would have shown how the two of them were brave enough to create their own perfect world, no matter how fleeting and against all odds back in those days.
Two southern classics come to mind:
GONE WITH THE WIND- I’d remake it as a premium cable miniseries that is truer to the book than the mythologized movie and work in a lot more of the many supporting characters and sideplots that had to be cut to make the movie of watchable length.
To Kill A Mockingbird- as with GWTW I love the original but I’d like to see a longer version that includes side characters (the man with the biracial family who feigns being a drunk, Atticus’s snobby sister), the scene at Calpurnia’s church and the allegation of incestuous molestation of Mayella. He may be a tad old for the part now but I think John Lithgow would be a great Atticus (Lithgow’s in his early sixties and I think Atticus is around 50).
There have been many movie versions of Huckleberry Finn but, imo, never a definitive one. Again it would probably need to be a miniseries, but I’d like to see one that’s for more adult audiences than the family fun adventure it’s often done as.
Miscellaneous-
Desk Set- the Spencer Tracy-Katharine Hepburn movie about a romance between an IBM technician and the reference librarian who fears he’s there to replace her. The original movie was good and one of the best about librarianship (though the term librarian is never used) but I’d like to see it updated to a modern setting.
Pygmalion- I would love to see this modernized and Americanized- lots of ideas for how I’d do it. Whoopi Goldberg is attached.
Bell, Book and Candle- another one that I think could have a really good update of- keep it as light as possible, hire an actress who can change expressions unlike Kim Novak, Carol Burnett and Jennifer Saunders in the Lanchester/Gingold roles perhaps and make the brother a reality show wannabe (which hooks him up with the Ernie Kovacs character) instead of a beatnik bongo player.
Huh?
Admittedly, i’ve only seen the movie once, and that was in the theater almost 20 years ago, but i was sure that Goldwyn’s character tried to kiss Moore’s character at least once in the movie.
I think some of the classic westerns might do well now, such as the John Wayne/Maureen O’Hara team ups in McClintock and Big Jake. I can’t decide who has the charisma and machismo to take the reins from Wayne though- can’t really see Clooney in a western and Costner’s got the charisma of a can of salmon. Suggestions?
I’d love to see a remake of Man of La Mancha, even if it’s just a well done video of a Broadway or West End caliber show. If you’ve never seen the original with O’Toole and Loren, be glad.
There is on again off again talk of doing a remake of Cabaret to reflect the 1990s revamp. I’d gladly go see it, but I think it’s in purgatory.
Are you trying to whoosh us here? Aykroyd and Ramis did write a script for a third Ghostbusters movie to be called Ghostbusters Go To Hell.
Cracked.com had a joke about a remake of Brokeback Mountain - with Jessica Alba and Halle Berry as the two leads.
Okay, I’d watch it.