Thats right, you selfish, ingrateful, unwashed fuckwits, battering the shop door down first thing this morning in your brainless stampede to return all the Christmas presents that some friend or relative thoughtfully picked out for you, but which you turn your nose up at for failing to meet your exacting standards. :mad:
I realise that sometimes gifts purchased for Christmas are defective or genuinely not suitable- PS2 games for someone who owns an Xbox 360, for example- but for the rest of you bitching and whining:
SHUT THE FUCK UP, GET IN LINE, AND DO NOT COMPLAIN WHEN YOU ARE INFORMED THAT YOUR OPTIONS INVOLVE EITHER STORE CREDIT, A GIFT CARD, OR FUCKING OFF.
It is not our fault that other people dared purchase products you may not like, nor is it our fault we are out of stock deemed popular by others and purchased in entirety prior to Your Majesty’s most exalted decision to grace us with your presence.
Further, asking for further discounts (“Can you do a better price?”) on things which are already on sale- some by quite significant percentage- will only earn you a contemptuous stare and an entreatment to kindly descend from your Ivory Tower of Fantasy and join us in the real world, where you do not attempt to haggle with the sales staff when 300 other people are in the store clamouring for attention in a manner not entirely unlike people taking bets at a Thai Kickboxing tournament. The price- at least today- is the price, take it or leave it. If you leave it, someone else will be along shortly (much like buses) to take it.
Do not attempt to get us to Price Match competitors based on vague recollections of something you saw in a catalogue last week. We are too busy to ring Bob’s House of Electronics to see if they have iPods for $50 less than us, just as the staff at Bob’s House of Electronics are too busy to answer the phones in order to field enquiries from us as to whether or not their iPods are $50 cheaper than ours. If you have a catalogue, or we know for a fact that Someone Else has the item for the price you claim, that’s fine, we’ll match the price. But otherwise, show us an ad or a catalogue, or else you can pay the ticketed price like the other 5,000 people crammed into our store like commuters on the 7.42 to Bombay Central Station.
I’m terribly sorry that digital cameras don’t come with memory cards*. Yes, it’s quite possible that is an elaborate conspiracy by Kodak, Olympus, Fuji, Canon, and Sony to extract more money from your wallet. You are more than welcome to direct your concerns to that inanimate support beam in the corner there, or perhaps someone who gives a shit, like the companies who make the digital cameras.
NO FUCKING BROWSING! Either buy something or clear off. The metaphorical equivalent of the entire population of Liechtenstein have decided to shop- and buy things- in the store today, and we just don’t have any room for people having a bit of a fiddle, idly playing with the stock, or just wasting our time by pestering us with questions about products you clearly have no intention of purchasing. Now, if you are in the store but not buying because you are accompanying someone who is making a purchase or legitimate refund/exchange, that’s fine- just don’t move the freaking stock all over the store so we can’t find it when someone who wants to purchase it shows up.
The sale is on all week, peasants. You don’t all need to rush out the door at first light in order to lay siege to Castle Electronica, that you might refund your unwanted purchases or spend your money in a financial orgy of consumerism, the likes of which have not been seen since the Great Consumerist Orgy of '95, when several people were arrested for Obscene Conduct With Money.
On a related note, STOP FUCKING RINGING US! We cannot serve customers and answer the phones, especially when the phone calls consist of idiotic, rambling question-anecdotes that go nowhere and take longer to come to the point than a drunk hunting dog with no sense of direction. We have a website which lists all of the information you could want to know, including our stock levels, opening hours (including the hours over the Christmas/New Year period), and store location.
Finally, I would like to point out that any of the customers who complain about the number of other customers in the store, the apparent lack of staff (despite the fact every. single. one. of the people who work at our store are rostered on and working at the store today), the low stock levels, or anything else well and truly outside my control, is a Communist. The bad kind of Communist- from North Korea or something. I fart in your general direction, and would throw a deceased Herring at you, had we the proximity to a fishmongers and the refrigeration facilities necessary to facilitate the purchase and storage of said fish prior to aforementioned fish-casting activities. **
Ah, much better. Time for a drink, I think… 
*Not sure how it works in the US, but here in Australia digital cameras do not generally come with a useful memory card as part of the price
**Martini Enfield in no way actually advocates the use of deceased sea creatures as projectile weapons, or intentional injury to any actual person. Said statements were provided in jest, and are not to be taken seriously. Wibble.
