Umm, exactly. It was not “dragging” it was trying to help out by pointing out your earlier post about “Everquest.” Sounds like there are some serious issues and this may not have come out of nowhere.
So much for trying to help, I know better now. Have a swell life.
I would be mad if someone kept me waiting an hour for lunch on a work day ( I would have planned my work around it) and I didn’t see that she demanded an apology either. She just pointed out that he had no business rushing her when he was the one that was late.
No, she said she was mad that he didn’t apologize on the phone or when he got there. It wasn’t just that he was late.
I don’t, for a minute, excuse what he said to her…but I do agree with lezlers when she says that I’m far more understanding than she is. Cheating on me with a playboy model? Good reason for a screaming fight. Late for one lunch date? Not so much.
Carry on.
It WAS very rude of him not to apologize in the first place.
But once again…it’s not something I, personally, would have gotten all worked up about. There are worse things that can happen. That’s all I was trying to say.
I understand now, that lezlers and I are different. fair enough.
Caricci, you sound a lot more like me. I’m glad I’m not the only one who felt as if I had a right to be upset at his #1. lateness and #2. failure to apologize. I was starting to get a complex.
elf6c,
If it was just the everquest thing you quoted I could see that you were trying to help, but saying I was cranky in the Boarders thread? I saw no point to that, and still don’t know what it had to do with anything. Much less how it was “helpful”.
Jar,
it looks as if we’re just going to have to agree to disagree. We seem to do that a lot on these boards. 
no problem. I wasn’t trying to start a fight.
Lezlers,
What makes this a relationship worth staying in? Have you talked with him since this happened?
Daniel
Actually we talked last night. He had left me 3 messages apologizing (I wasn’t home) so I was waiting for him at his apartment when he got home. I told him point blank that he just used his 1 get out of jail free card and if he ever spoke to me that way again I would leave, it was verbally abusive and I will not be in a abusive relationship. He agreed to go to anger management counseling (i’m not fooling around with this one)
The relationship is worth staying in for me for one simple reason: I love him. That may not be enough reason, but as of yet, he’s done nothing to nesecitate (sp?) my actually leaving. Nothing has seemed worth losing the entire relationship over to me. And crazy as it may seem, every argument tends to make us that much stronger. The fact that we can sit down and openly talk to one another without screaming (the majority of the time) and actually LISTEN to one another, I feel really good about. He described it perfectly when he said “we’re like two pieces of a puzzle that don’t fit but are so determined to go together we are slowly shifting ourselves into the proper shapes.” We are very very different people but neither of us are ready to give up on the other just yet. I may look back on this years from now and think how stupid and naaive I was but isn’t that what life’s all about?
Speaking from personal experience, I believe that if you stay with this man after this, lezlers, you will look back on that exact moment as the moment that you should have left him for good. He just showed you his heart; he’s not a good man. Believe what he just showed you. You won’t have wasted five years if you leave him now, but you will be wasting any more time that you spend with a man who will ignore and abuse you.
Oh, for the record, what he did was abuse. I don’t even see where there would be anything to debate about that. He yelled obscene names at you, he frightened you, he tried to make you believe that the bad feelings he was causing in you were your fault. These are all classic signs of abuse. From thissite:
“Verbal abuse includes withholding, bullying, defaming, defining, trivializing, harassing, interrogating,accusing, blaming, blocking, countering, diverting, lying, berating, taunting, putting down, edifying, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling and raging.” {bolding mine}
I really empathize/sympathize with what you’re feeling right now, lezlers, having been there myself. I’m not trying to make you feel attacked or bad in any way; I am trying to help you in a way that I wish someone had helped me the first time my ex-boyfriend started yelling and cursing at me for no reason at all. I ended up in a shelter for abused women, and it started just like you’ve described here; I really don’t want to see anyone else take that road. Please feel free to email me if you like.
(Your post came in while I was composing mine, lezlers, so I didn’t see it before posting.)
Yeah, the apologies after the abuse and the agreeing to get counselling are familiar, too. You will be in the “honeymoon” phase for a couple weeks after this, if I remember the pattern correctly.
I should say here that while I believe he is an abuser based on my past experience, and I would not stay with him any longer if it were me, I can’t make that choice for you. This may well have been an isolated incident, and you may live long, happy lives together. I would suggest that both of you get counselling, however, alone and together. It sounds like you have issues that both of you need to work on.
Thank you feather
My only AR trait is promptness. I hate it when people are late. Now I’m not talking 10 or 15 minutes but 45 minutes is way excessive in my book. What it says to me is:* My time is more valuable than yours and I don’t care that you had to wait for me because I’m more important.* My SOP when some one is excessively late is to get up and leave. So I’m with lezlers-if you’re going to be late, at least have the curtesy to apologize.
I honestly don’t know how you can come to that conclusion. To be an abuser, shouldn’t you have to show a pattern of abuse? This was the first time this guy had ever done something like that in 5 years, at it wasn’t even physical. People occasionally yell at each other. I’ve been yelled at several times by various people I had some kind of relationship with, and I’ve never felt abused.
Several years ago, I was stricken with strep throat and had a fever of around 102 degrees. My girlfriend of the time was driving me to the pharmacy to pick up some medication, when she nearly got us into an accident that would have been totally her fault. I yelled at her (something along the lines of “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”) before I even had a chance to think about what had happened. I had never yelled at her before, and never did again. So does that make me an abuser?
lezlers, I have to agree with Lemur here and say that he may be trying to get you to break up with him. I touched on that in the Everquest thread when I related my experience. I didn’t scream at anyone, but maybe he’s trying to speed things up.
lezlers, was he by any chance playing Everquest at home? I’m not trying to be flippant, I’m serious. Having read your Everquest thread, I’m wondering if part of his reaction was due to having to interrupt the game.
In all honestly, like featherlou, I’m pretty sure I would have dropped him for good. I wish you the best of luck though.
You know, I do that.
I don’t mean that I call people names, but when I get really, really depressed (it’s been a few years, thank goodness) I will bury myself in something completely - usually a game or books. I also tend to get snappy at people because when they say something negative to me, or even something that can be twisted to be negative, it’s the same thing that I’m saying to myself, inside. I can’t very well yell at myself, so I take it out on them.
It’s possible that he’s depressed and/or is having problems that he is putting off dealing with by absorbing himself in other things.
Five bucks says he was playing EverQuest.
'course you didn’t call her a “stupid cunt bitch” either, now did you? Not to mention that fact that I don’t think the guy had strep and a fever. I reckon Lez would have mentioned that.
No one’s getting the whole story until he comes in here and posts.
Boy, what a fucked-up relationship.
What you’re like “in real life” doesn’t matter a blue penny, because the only personality we ethereal internet people have to go on is the one you show us. If you post like an intelligent, reasoning human being, we’re going to assume you’re an intelligent, reasoning human being, even if you’re ACTUALLY a crazed axe-murderer. If you post like a crack-crazed, syphilitic monkey, we’re going to assume you’re a crac-crazed, syphilitic monkey, even if you’re ACTUALLY a Carmelite nun.
You can’t blame online people for what they think of you; only yourself. And yeah, whatever name you were about to call me, you’re probably right. shrug
Let’s start with “it wasn’t even physical”. Just seeing someone type that is making my hands shake and tying my stomach in knots. My ex never laid a hand on me, and my response to thinking about the times he verbally, mentally, and psychologically abused me is causing a complete fight-or-flight body response in me. So, in the interest of education, let’s say that there are all kinds of abuse, and physical abuse is not necessarily the worst kind. It’s just the most visible kind.
Now, let’s move on to the pattern of abuse. Abuse almost always escalates. It starts with smaller things like yelling or name-calling, and it almost always escalates into a situation where the abusee feels a lack of control over their own life (and very often fear) because of the unpredictable behaviour of the abuser - often with reactions all out of proportion to what is going on. All abuse starts somewhere, at some point. Because he didn’t call her a “stupid c*** bitch” on their first date, or for the first five years, doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse when he does it now. Like I said before, it may have been an isolated incident. I hope it was. I don’t think it will be, however. His anger and his cruel words came from somewhere, and they were directed at lezlers.
Let’s finish with your statement that you’ve been yelled at various times and never felt abused. From the way lezlers has described the incident, and her response to it, I would have no problem calling it abuse. What he did was not called-for, or appropriate, and her response indicates that.