You just scared the shit out of me

The BBQ Pit
1

So we’re supposed to meet for lunch at my office at 12. 12:15 rolls around and you’re not here. I call you at home and you answer the phone. I ask you why you’re still at home and you say “I just am, I’m putting in my contacts and then i’m leaving” fine. You roll in here at 1 and say “lets go lets go!”

I say "hey YOU’RE the one who’s an hour late without so much as an “i’m sorry” You fucking fly off the handle. We’re in my car and you’re saying you refuse to apologize because I jumped on you the minute you walked in the door. Huh? You didn’t say you were sorry on the phone, nor did you say it when you walked in. How am I SUPPOSED to react? :mad:

Then you start getting pissed in the car because I won’t apologize for jumping on you for not apologizing. What the fuck is wrong with this picture??

THEN comes the doozie. You yell to me "omigod you STUPID CUNT BITCH!! :eek: Whoa. Hold the MOTHERFUCKING PHONE. You did NOT just do that. No, you couldn’t have just done that. I’m hearing things. I have to be hearing things. Right? RIGHT? :frowning:

I turn the car around, drive back to my office and tell you to get the hell out of my car. You say to me “oh you’re TELLING me?” I say "well yeah, I mean, you don’t wanna hang with a STUPID CUNT BITCH do you? You say “until your attitude changes, you ARE!” Then slam my door so hard my bones rattle.

What. The. FUCK.??? I’m STILL shaking and it’s 45 minutes later. My stomach is still in knots. What the hell WAS that? In 5 years you have NEVER called me a name. I have NEVER called you a name. I was not yelling at you in the car, I was trying to calmly tell you why I was mad. The you SCREAM at me that i’m a STUPID CUNT BITCH :confused:

I don’t play like that. I don’t call people I love such horrible things, no matter HOW upset I am. I may scream but I NEVER resort to names. This morning we were all lovey dovey before I left the house. What the hell just happened??? :frowning:

2

Too much Jerry Springer?

3

woah. I’m still stuck at you being mad over a late lunch date. Seems like perhaps there’s something missing that goes from “Why were you late” demanding an apology for being late.

J

4

wow, lezlers, thats shitty. i hope you let him have it but good. if i EVER said that to my wife, no matter how mad i was, i would be sleeping on the couch til 2003.

5

What the hell DID just happen there?
Something else has gotta be going on for him to just freak out like that, if he’s never done it before in 5 years. I mean, I would imagine that in the grand scheme of things, a fight about being late is not among the worst you’ve had, and hardly seems severe enough to warrant the “C-word”.
If the behavior is suddenly much more angry or emotional than before, it seems like there’s gotta be another stressor. Is he having health, job, or family problems?
For now, try to shake it off. Go get a beer after work. Go for a walk or a run. See a movie alone. Whatever works as a relaxer and escape for ya.
Best of luck-

6

I can see where you might be upset at shit-fer-brains being 45 minutes late for lunch, since you work, and it may have been hard for you to go later. I also understand that more may have transpired than we Dopers know about.

But even so…

How long have you and shit-fer-brains been dating? Because the answer to your question “What the hell just happened?” might be that you’ve seen the “real” him. That particular choice of phrase just isn’t something that a lot of men will even say, let alone say to someone they love, even in the heat of an argument.

Yuck. Sorry.

7

Sorry, I just re-read the OP and see that you’ve been together 5 years. Musta’ been shellshocked.

8

I want to clarify that I don’t think it was even a smidgen of cool for him to call you such a horrendous name…but it seems like perhaps there has to be something else bubbling under the surface. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and if he’s late I say “You’re late” and he’ll say “yeah, sorry”

and that’s the end of it.

9

well he just called and apologized but sure as hell didn’t get a “that’s okay” from me. I just said “alright, i gotta go, bye”

Jar, I don’t get what the hell you’re asking. I wasn’t screaming mad, I was annoyed and letting it show. I don’t think that was over the top in any way. I’m not for a second going to allow ANYONE to put the blame for this one on me. So don’t even try it.

Sidle, he comes from an abusive background. And no, I don’t believe that just because someone was abused when they were young automatically makes them an abuser. Not saying you were gonna go there, but I’m sure there are a few on the boards who will, just getting it out of the way. Predisposed, yes, guranteed, no. My mother was also abused, she hasn’t laid a hand or spoken a harsh word to me in all my 24 years.

EJ- I’m pretty damn scared that I DID just see the real him. After 5 years. I sure as hell hope this isn’t 5 years down the drain because I sure as hell will NOT put up with this kind of behavior.

Thanks everyone,
Lezlers

10

Jar,

That was why I was mad. He wouldn’t SAY “i’m sorry.” Not on the phone, not when he got here. I don’t see anything wrong with my getting upset at that. You must be far more understanding than I.

11

ok. pencil me in for a second WOAH… I just said that I don’t think it was right what he did. It just seems like there perhaps is more to the story than being late for lunch. You used the ANGRY SMILIE after all :biggrin:

I guess all I’m saying is, my answer to this question is:

Let it go. It’s not the end of the world that your partner is late for lunch.

What happened beyond that is insanity and he should be soundly reprimanded.

j

12

I think you need to tell him this and have a frank talk. You don’t say what his apology consisted of, but your response to it was, well, nonresponsive. And that can’t be helpful in the long run. If this is the first time you’ve seen this sort of behavior, you need to nip it in the bud NOW. HE needs to know that you will NOT tolerate being treated like that.

I told Mr. S before we were married, only half-jokingly, that he would have exactly ONE chance to hit me. And that he’d better make sure it left nice photographable evidence for the judge. (Not that I thought at the time, or have ever thought since then, that either of us was planning to hit the other. I was just making things crystal clear.)

I have never been in an abusive situation, but that’s just my two coppers.

13

No excuse for the “C” word. But there is two sides to every story. Earlier you posted:

"Alright,

I get that you dig your computer game. I dig the SDMB. But I don’t allow it to take over my damn life. You don’t get your shit done because it may take time away from your precious game. You let your bills go out late, you miss appointments and stay up all night when you KNOW you have to get up in the morning in order to play your fucking GAME. We have had countless fights because you let that goddamn GAME get between us! Why?

But tonight, that was classic. You call me to say your leaving work early because you’re sick and maybe it would be better if we didn’t get together this weekend because you didn’t want me to get sick. Then you change your mind and say if I wanna come over still to come over. So my dumbass goes over there. Because I want to see you.

Do you get off your game? NO!! You sit there and say “but hon, I just got into a group I can’t log off now!” FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! I just drove 45 minutes to come chill with your sick ass because I haven’t seen you all week and you can’t log off? Do you seriously expect me to sit and wait patiently until you feel like hanging out with me? Are you FREAKIN’ kidding me??

JOIN THE THREE DIMENSIONAL PEOPLE!!! We’re not that scary!

When I tell you I’m going home you get all pissy and tell me “do you want me to log off? FINE. I’ll LOG OFF. SIGH” I’m sorry, I didn’t realize hanging out with me was such a CHORE. You know what? I hope you and your palm will be very happy. Because that’s the only action you’re gonna be seeing for a LONG time.

So I left. 3 hours ago. Have ya called? Nope. Betcha hardly noticed I was gone. WHAT IS IT WITH THAT FUCKING GAME??? Why do you tell me to come over and then ignore me? Why when we’re hanging out do you feel the need to check your guild message board every hour?

That game is evil incarnate. It’s the spawn of Satan. But i’m not stupid. I realize that it’s not just the game. It’s you. You say you want to marry me. With you treating me like this before we’re even engaged? Yeah. I see marriage in our future.

Fuck you and your goddamn pathetic game. I hate BOTH of you right now."

– And you were pretty cranky in the “Borders Boy” thread to people who had made quite reasonable posts.

While using the “C” word is simply wrong, it seems there is more going on here between you two then the OP lets on. I hope it works out, but maybe as a couple you have some very serious issues to work out on both sides.

Happily married for 6 years- but that hardly makes me an expert on anything (just ask my wife!).

-me

14

Lezlers, I have have to agree with Scarlett, you need to let him know that is not acceptable. I have a friend who has been dating this guy for about as long as you guys have and he calls her all kinds of shit, and it is totally disrespectful. Now it just rolls off of her back, and thats not cool You dont tell someone you care about that they are … You get the point…

I think another point to consider is that SOME guys dont really know when to apologize, they dont really know they have done something to piss us off. He probably thought he was cool since you called and he gave you an explaination of where he was. And if it is true what elf6c said, you were the one who posted about “its the game or me” or something like that…it is obvious that his attention isnt exactly focused where it should be a good bit of the time…

15

jar, i would be frankly pissed off if my husband was an hour late for lunch, especially if i was at work. then again, if it was me and he’d been that late, i’d have missed my lunch and wouldn’t have been able to go.

16

elf6c,

This is a message board, a rant board no less. It’s where I rant. If you knew me personally you would know that I am one of the most chill people on the planet, because I find ways to vent my frustrations. I don’t at all agree with you dragging in other posts that I have vented in to try to disregard an original rant of mine. What’s that about? Especially since perhaps some people that did not read the boarders thread I felt that I was calm and collected until some posters came at me negatively, condecendingly or insultingly. When I realized I overreacted to Zette, notice I apologized. I have not once in 5 years EVER acted towards him the way he acted towards me today. Because when I am increadibly angry or frustrated, I RANT. Here. I am deeply offended that you would go to the effort of taking one of those rants to use against me here. What does the boarders thread have to do with anything I said here? I don’t understand the connection. If you’re going to use my past posts against me in my own thread, you might as well post all of them so people get the whole story.

17

Lezler said:

I just want to say that no matter what, you haven’t “wasted” any time here. Relationships are validated by there lengh: they should not be looked at as investments. Whatever times you have enjoyed in the last years, whatever things you have learned, whatever emotions you have felt are all yours forever, and you don’t have to give them all back if a relationship ends.

UNless the two of you have mutual children, odn’t use the amount of time oyu have “put in” to the relationship as a factor in deciding your course of action. It’s not even an issue.

Furthermore, every relationship has it’s own timetable, and don’t fall into the trap of thinking that if you end this relationship, it will take five years to “get back” to where you are now. If you end this relationship, the next one could end up in a wedding in six weeks, or stay at dinner-and-a-movie twice a month for twenty years. It all depends on what you and the toehr person want.

18

Obviously, the first sentence there should read "Relationships are not validated by their lengh.

19

The thing is, your earlier rant about him tells us that things aren’t going so well between you. First he ignores you in favor of Everquest. Now he yells at you.

[guessing]
It sounds like perhaps he’s trying to break up with you, but in a passive-aggressive way. He’s going to be a jerk until YOU break up with HIM. That way he wins some sort of brownie points somehow.
[/guessing]

20

Don’t sweat it, first off. It happens. I’m actually close friends with people I’ve started out MUCH worse with- I don’t hold grudges (much).

That said, I gotta tell ya. Everyone has their own level of tolerance for what they can/will put up with from a spouse/so. Yours sounds a lot like mine (not a whole lot of bullshit).

It’s time for you to step back from this person, take a look at where things are going, and make some life decisions. From what I’ve seen you post, it frankly doesn’t look so hot.

Zette