No, and true. However, accord to the list that featherlou posted, I was “interrogating, accusing, blaming, berating, yelling and raging.”
I’m not excusing what he did, or saying that what he did wasn’t abuse (it obviously was), I’m saying that it is too early to label him an abuser.
“Abuser” implies a pattern, which I don’t see. If this a trend that this case is just the start of, then yes, he is an abuser. If this was only a one-time thing brought on by who-knows-what, then he is not an abuser, IMO.
My above post was written before I saw this, but let me state again that what he did was abuse. I never said it wasn’t. I’m really sorry that you were the subject of psycological abuse like that; I can’t comprehend why someone would feel it neccesary to treat another person like that.
My comment about physical abuse stems from the fact that many people consider physical abuse to be worse than mental abuse. I’ve heard people say many times that they would leave a relationship the first time they were hit, but I’ve never heard anyone say that they would leave the first time they got yelled at.
I hope it was too. However, 5 years is a long time. Long enough for abusing tendancies to have shown themselves before now. I think it is telling that he hasn’t done so before now. It’s possible that he could become abusive, but I don’t think it’s likely.
I have no problem calling it abuse either, and I agree completely.
Just for arguments sake, if he were to beat the living shit out of me, but just one time, is he still not an abuser?
Ham,
The reason I mentioned my RL personality is because elf seemed to think there was some correlation between my being in his/her opinion “cranky” in the Boarder’s thread and the incidence that day with my b/f. As the incident happened in R/L and not in cyber space, I felt my R/L personality was of some relevance. At least in elf’s mind it was.
Since you assume i’m going to do it anyway: Ass :rolleyes:
Possibly. And while that would be his reason for being late, it still doesn’t give reason for his failure to apologize and outburst. He always could’ve called me with some lame ass excuse, I don’t really care about that. My beef is with lack of manners (faliure to apologize ect.)
At the risk of being declared unsalvagably P.C., I think that the three words “stupid cunt bitch” suggest a pathological misogyny.
I obsess over semiotics and consider that human beings entire perception of the world is framed by the verbal constructs that are available to them.
Of course, I am fully aware of the folly of drawing conclusions about a person sight unseen, on the basis of one incident, particularly if it stands out as an anomaly in a five-year relationship. That he’s agreed to take counselling is good news, and I don’t believe that anyone is truly beyond redemption, if they’re willing to try.
lezlers, I totally agree with featherlou– if this relationship is important to you, counselling (alone & together) can save you a lot of grief.
Interesting points, Demise. (lezlers, if we’re taking your thread too far from your OP, please tell us to cut it out.) I should thank you for bringing up the points that you have, because I think it bears mentioning that verbal/mental/psychological abuse is very sneaky, and a lot of people don’t even realize what it is when it happens to them. Like you said, not everyone says they would leave the first time they get yelled at, and it is a difficult line to draw, where normal heat-of-the-moment arguing stops and where abuse starts. It’s pretty straightforward when someone punches you in the eye; it’s not nearly as straightforward when someone yells at you, calls you names, gets angry for no reason, has jealousy/controlling problems, doesn’t allow you basic freedoms, etc. But emotional abuse is as serious as physical abuse, and is
Psychological or emotional abuse is no laughing matter; from this thread alone, most people who responded didn’t seem to take his name-calling extremely seriously, as they (almost certainly) would have if lezlers had posted that he had punched her in the eye at lunch. For me, what he did is just as bad, and just as serious, as any research into emotional abuse will support.
I didn’t feel as if my response had an attack vibe to it, sorry if it did. Sauron and I had gotten into it on another thread, I couldn’t tell if he was sincere or if some bitterness had seeped onto this thread since we’re currently in battle on another (which I hope has finally been resolved, has it Sauron? )
Demise, my question was an exaggerated one yes, but nonetheless relevent IMHO
Your question was rhetorical, so no interrogation. I don’t see accusation or blame in “What the fuck are you doing?”. Berating and raging would involve a protracted rant, not just one sentence. So the only thing you did was yell.
As someone else pointed out, this could be the beginning of a pattern of abuse. No, it wasn’t physical, but the C-word, when it’s used to describe a person, is a hostile term.
The tone of the first five years of a relationship will not necessarily be sustained throughout a lifetime. My sister could make timelines showing the “good years” of her relationships, the downward slides, and the end days. 5 years is about how long it took our parents’ marriage to falter. They established their pattern, and they’ve been going downhill without brakes ever since.
