You Know You Want to: Post the funniest Craigslist ads you've seen lately

[lindsaybluth]

@elmwood

Is it normal for lesbians to mention their significant other all the time?

It is very common, but I wouldn’t call it normal. I knew a couple my freshmen year that got together in the first few weeks of the semester and applied for a mid-semester transfer so they could be roommates.

jjimm, it’s really the first line that gets ya: “I bought some goats down at the oxford feed and grain and wouldnt you know them goats had been fixed.”

wolfstu, I didn’t put those two together. That is AWESOME.

[jjimm]

@lindsaybluth

jjimm, it’s really the first line that gets ya: “I bought some goats down at the oxford feed and grain and wouldnt you know them goats had been fixed.”

I love that you get a free Pol Sci degree with every third goat!

[Gestalt]

@jjimm

That reads like a scam - the “poetic” line breaks. So I googled one phrase and got this - same ad, all over the place. Wonder what the scam is?

I agree that it is sketchy. But I think he could also just be super desperate (I wonder why!) and posting on every dating site ever. From what I can tell, he keeps his location the same.

[lindsaybluth]

@aruvqan

Although I hate to admit it, the whole rehabbing while still going out drinking is a huge flag to me. Not having any personal locking private space really really bothers me. I can not see this turning out well for anybody, to be honest.

They quite clearly are using/drinking/whatever, and they need cash. It’s easy to get a roommate and squeeze them, obviously.

@Zsofia

And he’s got the acreage to bury you on!

Oh man, this knocked me off my chair.

[Maeglin]

@jjimm

I love that you get a free Pol Sci degree with every third goat!

I thought I was the only one who got my degree bundled with livestock.

[aruvqan]

@lindsaybluth

They quite clearly are using/drinking/whatever, and they need cash. It’s easy to get a roommate and squeeze them, obviously.
.

I wonder what would happen if someone decided to go for the living room space, and put in a medieval cupboard bed [pretty much what it sounds like, a giant piece of furniture that encloses a bed with shutting doors, mainly was designed to keep the occupants of the bed warm] with a couple rows of drawers underneath, all lockable. One could even fit it out with a small 9 inch diagonal flatscreen tv/dvd player in it and a nice reading light - sort of like an elaborate navy rack =)

If they can’t access anything small and sellable, would they want you to move out? Would you find tiny scratches around all your little locks? :dubious:

[Savannah]

…that’s what my text file says.

I copied and saved it, and sure enough, the next day it was gone.

Companion Needed! (Victoria, BC)

Date: 2010-10-15, 3:05PM PDT
Reply to: job-rusfa-2008313907@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am a Lion Enterprises specializes in pet management and nearly all areas of love, affection, discipline training, daily face-to-face interactions, and routine feeding through our family of volunteers. I am a Lion Enterprises is proud to provide assisted living and nurturing to all of our employees. The popularity of our work place environment has seen several of our employees spend their entire careers with us, though, regrettably, on occasion, careers have been cut short by accidental death due to vehicular interference, abduction, and straight-up “wandering away.” So, we’re looking for an enthusiastic individual with the right skill-set and a can-do attitude to join our team.

JOB TITLE: Feline Companion
This is a full-time, on-call, on-site requirement at our office in Victoria, BC.

SUMMARY
Responsible for the development, support, and maintenance of various family relationships.

PRIMARY RESPONSIBILITIES

1. The use of a litter box with minimal supervision.
2. The killing of small animals as required.
3. Providing a warm, friendly presence when the family is sleeping and/or watching television.
4. Other duties as assigned.

ADDITIONAL RESPONSIBILITIES

1. Avoid the dinner table during meal times.
2. Be able to let oneself out in the middle of the night.

KNOWLEDGE AND SKILL REQUIREMENTS

1. Basic behavioral traits associated with being a cat. These are normally acquired through genetic disposition.
2. Ability to maintain composure in the presence of dogs.
3. While it is understood you may not know the difference between a mouse and a bird, we’d appreciate it if you kept the bird slaughter to a minimum.
4. Ability to not get stuck in a tree.
5. Work well with adults and children of varying skill sets.
6. Skill with the following is encouraged:

• Meow v. 2.3 (minimal requirement)
• Knowing when dinner is and to not start asking for it three hours before it is served
• Cleaning one’s “privates” in private
• Linux
• Keeping corpses outdoors
• Ability to discern the scratching post from the couch
• Recreational use of Catnip is okay

Thank you for your interest in I am a Lion Enterprises!

* Location: Victoria, BC
* Compensation: Room and board
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 2008313907

[astro]

@Gestalt

Definitely a winner (if all the rest wasn’t enough to convince you)

“i am primarily attracted to exquisitely sensitive women. i adore femininity and all that comes with being a girlie-girl. i am an extremely sensitive male who is an “emotional builder/giver”, and i perform my best in a relationship with a woman who is seeking the love of her life to fill a “void” or internal need. I find it exciting and challenging to unravel the mysteries of a feminine mind.”

Fuck me, do my books, be my groundskeeper, and I’ll give you room, board and a small allowance if you’re girly enough.

[Nobody]

If you want a good laugh, you need to find personal ads where somebody (usually male sees somebody he thinks is cute (usually female, and usually working behind the counter of a fast food joint) and has to write or post about there being a connection. So with that in mind, I just now looked in the “personals > missed connections” section, and sure enough, the first one that pops up

You work here… I have seen you a couple of times, You worked the register the first time I saw you… Today you asked where you were needed and they told you fries, you didnt seem very happy with that. Any ways, I wanted to tell you that I think you are beautiful, and I hope that you have someone in your life to tell you this everyday, If not I would like the chance to be able to tell you that everyday! I have a son, and am a single father, when you came walking from the back of the kitchen area towards the front, my son said, “daddy, i remember her, do you?” I had to smile and tell him that you never forget a beautiful face!

But here is a much funnier post

It happened innocently enough. Here at work the phone rang. At first we thought no one was there… then after a moment it was obvious that destiny was at hand. I could hear your soft voice in the garbled background of what I’m sure was a pocket dial from your phone pressing so tightly next to your body. I quickly put my phone on speaker to soak every last bit of what I’m calling…“The day my one true love contacted me from her love chariot of mobile mystical madness.”

I’m in love!

Please repeat every step to somehow create the cellular love connection again. Your voice was so beautiful, so enduring, and unfortunately so very short. Hello, did you call me? No, you called me. Click!

–
Posted from my iPhone using CraigsPro

[kjbrasda]

easily this one I saved a couple months ago.

Free Cow. comes with costume

[lindsaybluth]

Bahahahaha I love the cow one. “Comes with bat costume and answers to Babs”.

[Zsofia]

Found the one I was looking for.

“This place has windows so you can see outside and shit. WHATSUP NEIGHBORS!”

[pantheon]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

Enjoy

[lindsaybluth]

Well DUH I know about the best of Craigslist, but most of those people are intentionally funny. I’m looking for those who lack self-awareness!

That said, Zsofia, that ad was preeeeeetty great.

[Lobot]

In particular, this is the best ad ever.

[lindsaybluth]

P.S. - And I’ve gotten with hot chicks as recently as just now.

Oh my god, I’m crying it’s so bad.

ETA:

As in not gay. I just really love MJ and being open minded about new JO scenarios. We will basically play “Beat It” over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting.

[MeanOldLady]

@Lobot

In particular, this is the best ad ever.

“Requirements:
…
-maintains good eye contact”

HA!

[elmwood]

What’s with all the roommate ads seeking a Friend of Bill W.?

[filling_pages]

@elmwood

What’s with all the roommate ads seeking a Friend of Bill W.?

It’s code for being in AA.

[Zsofia]

They’re former alcoholics looking for fellow people to not-fall-off-the-wagon with.