You people had your chance. I AM PRESIDENT NOW, DAMN IT.

The BBQ Pit
1

I gave you a chance to settle this on your own, but apparently you are unable to do so without BICKERING like CHILDREN.

THEREFORE, YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE BUT TO DECLARE MYSELF PRESIDENT IMMEDIATELY.

Cease all lawsuits, whining about the electoral college, and ballot recounting. I hereby serve notice that the Clinton family has 24 hours to vacate the White House, and whether or not they get their security deposit back will be at MY DISCRETION.

All radio advertising for car dealerships must cease immediately also, because frankly I find them really fucking annoying.

2

Oh yeah? Well, I declare you incompetent!

3

Hey moodtobestewed, my old lady just tossed me out. You mind if I crash in the Lincoln Bedroom for a few days while I find a new place? You won’t regret it, I swear. I’ll bring a case of Bud.

4

Mr. President, as your second official act, will you just go ahead and 'fess up to all your acts of fornication, drug use, draft dodging, campaign irregularities and bribery right off the bat? 'Cause it’ll just save us time digging it all up later on.