You selfish, selfish woman...you waited TEN YEARS to contact him?

The BBQ Pit
1

A little background first…

My best friend is 6 months pregnant. Her husband…let’s call him Jim… is much older than she is and they always said they were not going to have any children. They have been together 5 years. After my second son was born and she came down to visit she really started talking about wanting a baby. Jim asked her to wait a year and if she still felt the same, they would talk about it further. A year passed and she wanted a baby even more and they started trying and she became pregnant. She was on cloud nine, thrilled, absolutely full of joy and so is Jim.

She decided she wanted to be a stay at home mom so after carefully considering their budget she quit her job back in July and focused on eating right, getting the baby’s room ready, taking care of herself, etc. They worked it out where they would have about $200 a month “extra” coming in from Jim’s salary and it could be used for emergencies and expenses with the baby. Things were going to be tight but if they were careful with their money it would work.

I get an email from her last Wednesday telling me that something was really wrong but she can’t go into over email or on the phone and that she hates that we live so far apart because she needs me. She tells me that it isn’t the baby but that things are awful.

I was in a seminar for work and had to take a test on Friday on the material we covered but I call her and tell her I’ll drive up first thing on Saturday. I get up Saturday morning and drive to Nashville and the minute I walk in her house she starts crying.

Turns out that Jim was involved with a woman 10 years ago who was separated from her husband at the time and had a 4 year old son by her husband. She had been separated for 4 months and had been dating Jim for 6 months when she became pregnant. Jim wanted to marry her. He loved this woman and wanted this child. She told him she needed some time to think about it and then showed up at his house a day later telling him she was going back to her husband and that she wanted nothing to do with him. She said she was telling her husband it was his child and that if Jim wanted what was best he would stay out of their lives and forget about the child.

Jim tried to convince her that he wanted to be a dad but this woman was adamant she wanted to be back with her husband and keep her “family” with him.

After a few weeks Jim gave up and stopped contacting her. He was devasted because he truly loved this woman and wanted the child. The woman moved away and Jim had no idea what became of them. He moved on and met my friend…Sarah…5 years later. Now he told Sarah all of this so she has known all along there was a child out there that was Jim’s.

Fast forward to October of this year. They get a letter from an attorney stating that this woman wants back child support FROM BIRTH for this child, who is now TEN YEARS OLD. Jim can’t believe it.

The woman apparently went back to her husband, stayed with him for 4 years, divorced him and married her divorce attorney, stayed with him for 4 1/2 years and then divorced him. So now that she has run out of husbands she wants some money and she has turned to Jim and Sarah to get it.

Jim is advised by his attorney to settle out of court or it could get ugly. He is having to pay $673 a month until the child turns 18 for current child support and then $21,000 in back child support.

Jim has taken on a second job. They are having to sell their home and property where they dreamed about building a new house in a few years and move into an apartment to meet this financial obligation.

To make things even more complicated, the woman calls last week and says that her daughter wants to meet her father. They get together and the kid has been told that her mother has tried for 10 years to contact Jim and that he never would respond to any of her attempts. This is a load of bullshit. They talked very briefly for half an hour and the way they left it was that the little girl asked if she could email Jim and would he email her back. He told her that if that was what she wanted to do that he would respond to her emails. He also told her their relationship was up to her…that if she wanted to visit him and get to know him and his family that she could but he didn’t want to pressure her.

Jim is torn over wanting to be a part of this child’s life or not. I can kind of see his point…the little girl is ten years old…ten years of her life he has missed.

Sarah and I had a long talk with him because Sarah feels horrible for the child. She thinks Jim could be a positive role model for her since her life apparently has been so chaotic.

The person we all are mad about is this mother. She pushed Jim away 10 years ago when he wanted to be a father. She told him never to contact them and she moved. She hasn’t tried to contact him in ten years then pops up asking for money after her string of husbands ran out.

I just am furious at how this situation has turned out for them. Sarah is missing out of some of the joy she had with their baby because of all this turmoil. Their financial security has been shot to hell. They are having to give up on some dreams they had and readjust to meet this financial obligation.

Jim takes responsibility for this child being his and he would have paid child support from the very beginning but was never given that chance.

It’s just a crappy situation all around and I don’t really know what to do to help.

I took Sarah and Jim out for dinner Saturday night to try and get their minds off of it. And I took them a car load full of baby clothes and other baby items that will help.

It just sucks. :frowning:

2

Wow, that really does suck. I don’t know much about child support laws, but it seems odd that he can be forced to pay back child support if the mother voluntarily cut him off. Is his name on the child’s birth certificate?

How does the lawyer think things could get worse if it goes to court?

3

I’m sorry, but I don’t understand why Jim just knuckled under if the woman had such a bad and easily revealed history. At $673 a month he could not possibly have done any worse by fighting it.

Obviously, Jim has been taken advantage of, but he was a fool for allowing this to happen. Maybe he got awful advice from his lawyer, but it’s just advice; you still have to make your own sound decisions. He should have sought a second opinion before he mortgaged his entire life based on an unjustified claim. I would suggest that if there is any way at all for him to fight paying the back support he should do so at once.

4

Wowsers.

This seems horribly unfair. I hope karma turns around and bites this woman in the ass.

5

GodDAMN. Has he contested any of this? Could he sue the mother?

6

The woman claims she tried contacting Jim for the last five years. She has copies of handwriten letters she supposedly mailed to him. Not certified letters. No copies of emails. Nothing like that. Copies of handwritten letters.

The $21,000 back child support is figuring only for the last 5 years that she claims she tried contacting him. Their lawyer told them if they went to court that the judge could order full child support back to the birth of the child so they didn’t want to take that risk. This particular county in TN has been really big on “dead beat dads” and the like so their attorney advised them to take the deal and pay it off as best as they could.

I, too, argued with them that maybe they should try fighting it somehow.

No…his name was not on the birth certificate. They did demand a paternity test which proved the child is indeed his.

7

You said this woman and her husband were separated at the time the child was conceived. I thought I’d read that all children born to a woman while she is married are considered to be her husband’s responsibility, whether they’re biologically his or not. Does that not apply here?

8

I am not familiar with TN child support laws but Jim and Sarah did get a copy of the woman’s divorce papers from her first husband and the son was named as a dependent but the daughter was not. We have no idea when exactly the woman told the first husband the child wasn’t his but he has not paid child support for her.

We only know she told Jim about all this a week ago. The child might have known for years she had a different dad out there somewhere.

9

Man, do I feel bad for Jim. He may pissed as hell at the mother, but he doesn’t want to screw up his daughter’s life any more than the mother already has. Also, I know what it’s like to be used as leverage by one parent against the other.

This may not be much consolation now, but these sorts of things have a way of working themselves out. Best of luck to all of them (except the mother, she’s a cunt).

10

Jesus. That is one of the downright shittiest things I’ve ever heard. I’m really sorry to hear about that.

I wish there weren’t such assholes in the world.

11

I’m just thinking out loud here.

If she can show up and demand several years worth of child support, what’s stopping him from demanding to spend time with his daughter that he has been unable to do? Say, the daughter lives with him exclusively for the next 5 years? Maybe not that practical but could perhaps be used as leverage or at least scare the money-hungry cow.

12

Pretty shitty, but he better get a good lawyer and get straight on the law. As far as I know, the responsibility lies with the husband, not the lover. Even if they’re divorced, the child is considered a product of that marriage. And the handwritten letters don’t mean shit. His lawyer should know that. This woman is grasping for straws. Also, she sucks the big throbbing one. When the little girl is grown up, hopefully she’ll get the true story. I think Jim will regret not being a part of her life. He should make the effort, but not to the tune of back child support.

13

Oh, one more thing. Is “Jim” absolutely 100% certain that the girl is his daughter? If the woman was telling her husband that it was his child, is it not possible that it is actually the truth?

14

"Oh, Canada! Blah blah blah blah blah blah!
(I know the tune, somebody help me out with the words, here)

The only winners will be the lawyers. :frowning:

She told me she loved me like a brother. She was from Arkansas, hence the Joy!

15

Yes…we are sure it is Jim’s daughter…they had a paternity test done.

I suggested the same thing that many of you have…that Jim demand to his visitation with this child and see how quickly the mother backs off.

But, and I can’t really blame him for this right now, Jim isn’t sure he wants to step up and be a father figure to a child that is 10 years old and already has a negative opinion of him. This kid has been told that her mother tried for 10 years to contact Jim and that he wanted nothing to do with them.

This is all really fresh to Jim and Sarah and they both are still reeling from it.

The initial meeting between Jim and the girl where he told her she could email him if she liked happened the day before Halloween. He has heard nothing from her since then.

I tried to gently point out that this child is the half sister of their upcoming baby and Jim was very upset by that. I explained that their baby might not have any other siblings and this might be a positive thing in their lives if they can work this out.

I think in time he will want to see the child and try to establish some type of relationship with her but for now, he can’t see anything but how much this has turned their lives upside down.

I feel for the guy…when we were driving back across their property to the house Saturday night after dinner he said, “Hey…maybe you and Sauron could buy the place and build here. We can’t have our dreams but maybe you guys could buy it.”

The only thing I know to do right now is keep in touch and try to encourage them. I bought up some more baby supplies and plan to mail those next week. And I’ve invited Sarah to spend some time during the holidays with us since Jim will be working pretty much every waking hour.

I am just floored by all this. I have to think that there is something they can do legally but I believe they have just given up and accepted it for fear that it could get worse.

16

Sounds like Jim and Sarah should get a second opinion from a better family law attorney. The law on this issue is NOT cut-and-dried, because it varies a lot by state and by individual factual circumstances. They need to find out why the husband wasn’t paying support, if the husband considered the daughter “his own,” etc.

And demand a paternity test.

And make it clear that if they have to pay, they will demand joint custody (or liberal visitation).

And try to negotiate for a lower amount of back child support. It’s ridiculous to assume that the woman would automatically win 100% of her claim in a court of law, with such shoddy evidence as hers. I personally doubt she would actually get much of the back support she claims is due if this went in front of a judge. Jim might be on the hook from now on forward, but the back support is a different ballgame entirely.

17

They should NOT go down without a fight. Your friends should not lose their dreams because of the greed of a bad mother.

What does Sauron think of all this?

18

Jim should hire the best attorney he can afford and sue for custody and ask the child’s mom ordered to pay him child support.

19

Jim knew this was his child all along right? Why didn’t he fight for his rights back then? Sorry but part of this is his fault, he should have been involved unless he wanted to totally terminate his rights. Just because she wanted to go back to her hubby didn’t mean he didn’t have rights as her father. Did he really think this was never going to be an issue in his life? The money issue sounds suspicious though and I would urge more legal counsel.

I apologise if I’m sounding harsh but as the child of an absent father it’s a difficult topic.

20

Jim should suck it up, pay the money, and get to know his daughter.

If this gets dragged out in court, the lawyer and court costs could easily bankrupt Jim and his wife faster than any settlement, and he might lose on top of that. This is a by-product of the last decade of raising consciousness about deadbeat dads–a good and noble effort in itself, but not without collateral damage. The presumption will be against Jim in court, and his finanical liability could be a hell of a lot bigger than it is now.

The one right Jim has is access, and he should exercise that. A relationship with his daughter is the only good that can come of this.