You’ve never heard of “flicking your bean” as an expression for female self-pleasure?
There’s even a beer out there called "“Bean Flicker”; it’s made with coffee flavors, but the name is of course a reference to the slang term.
In the style of Cormac McCarthy (hat tip AV Club):
"Cormac McCarthy’s ex-wife Jennifer squatted in the cracked terracotta terrain of New Mexico and dug her heels into the carpet and holstered the Smith & Wesson in the capacious hollow of her vagina. The gun flashed silver before it disappeared inside her as she had disappeared inside the bedroom she shared with her boyfriend on Aventura Road. Jennifer thought of space aliens and squared the gun in her vagina.
…
The police report paid no mind to what the argument was about besides “space aliens” and that she had left home because of it. When Jennifer had returned to Aventura Road the auric moonlight had cast long shadows on the crags and lava scree of the surrounding floodplain and then on her figure as she put the gun deep inside her concavity. The floodplain out there broad and quiet. The heft of the Smith & Wesson cold and steely in her vagina.
…
The police report would say Jennifer was arrested on a felony charge of aggravated assault and handcuffed and taken away. Cormac McCarthy would say nothing. There werent nothing to say against the crushing black void of the universe or of your ex-wife’s vagina. There werent nothing to say about a thing like that except that the world continued its cold and relentless circling and that maybe he had known already that women do strange things with their vaginas and that if you asked him he was glad to be rid of it.
Who is crazy, you or me? she had asked.
The gun in her vagina did the talking on that."
Maybe after an anecdote like that, you omit the .sig line…
Is this what they mean by a “vaginal discharge”? 
I’ve led a sheltered life, what can I say?
(:))
I’ve always liked “little man in a boat.” :o
“Ammosexual” should be an internet meme, not an actual sexual practice.
After her last boyfriend failed to satisfy her, she decided she needed a lover of a higher caliber.
Her next relationship was a real blast, but unfortunately a one-shot affair. 
I know what you mean, but I think this needs to be phrased a little less ambiguously.
My favorite story from this medical history classic was the one where a guy picked up a girl in a bar, but he couldn’t get it up because he was so drunk, so she stuck a swizzle stick into his urethra, and not only did that not work, they came to the ER because they couldn’t remove it.
Instead of a prick.
I think there is still room for improvement in the limerick department. Here’s my best shot (heh):
There once was a girl named Alice
Who tried out a gun as a phallus
And when she got hot
She heard a loud shot
Now Alice is sadly canal-less
A friend of mine once sold insurance. One of his clients filed a claim thusly (or there abouts…)
The woman broke her arm. When filling out the claim form she explained she was having problems with her hemorrhoids. So as a way of self examination, she stood on top of her dresser with her butt facing the mirror. She then bent over and spread her cheeks and looked between her legs to check out the situation. She lost her balance, fell and broke her arm.
All true of course and I applaud her honesty but I think if it would have been me I’d have just said I slipped in the tub.
This. It seems very odd. I wonder if she was doing it for money or because she had no choice.
BTW, don’t suggest latex. A number of us are allergic to it. :eek:
New and improved version, submitted for your approval:
A gal from El Paso named Alice
tried using a Glock as a phallus.
But when things got hot
there was a loud shot,
and her clitoris landed in Dallas.