Snorting: It’s a fact of life. You do it. I do it. I’m not sure if Cecil does it, what with being perfect and all; but I’ve no doubt about Ed Zotti. Look at his picture: That’s a snorter (well, two actually). We don’t like that we do it, but there you are.
As devastating as a snort can be all on its own, however, this fearsome faux pas is often exacerbated by foreign substances being held quite unintentionally in the mouth at a point in time which to the detriment of said snorter (and not a few computer keyboards/monitors) corresponds precisely with said snort, thus distributing said substance into the immediate enviroment via the quite painful route of the snorter’s nostrils.
Snorting things through your nose hurts, people; whether it be ice cold milk or orange juice, Nestle’s Quik or Ovaltine. Or in my case…
I was preparing for my evening’s employ, engaging in those small rituals without which social interaction would be an ordeal best skipped by all. As the television blared the day’s syndicated episode of the Simpsons (the episode with Homer’s Roast), I had just finished brushing my teeth when Kang and/or Kodos zapped Krusty with some sort of alien ray.
“This can’t be good for my pacemaker.” moaned an electrified Krusty just as I took a swig of mouthwash. SNORT! (hey, it’s a funny line) AAUUUGGGHHHH!!! I screamed, suddenly afflicted with a severe case of listerinus sinusitis (var. Cool Mint). Zamboni, that hurt like a feathermucker! Minty fresh breath CAN be overdone, my friends.
So what have you snorted out of your nose and lived to tell about?
The worst I’ve ever done was spew coffee-with-cream through my nose. Now, I’ve spewed coffee-WITHOUT-cream numerous times with no horribly ill effects, but coffee-WITH-cream burns like a sonovabiscuit. It hit me so hard I could not re-inhale for several seconds, and I started gagging and making really noxious noises… in the middle of a crowded restaurant, of course. By the time I finally recovered, my eyes were tearing, my nose was running, and my heart was pounding. I have never drunk coffee-with-cream since.
Rice, spaghetti, and noodles, though not all at once.
If we’re counting things that went out the wrong opening during vomiting, then I’ve snorted plenty of foods out my nose. Whole cocktail shrimp on at least one occasion.
OK, I’ve seen some liquid here, and some solids… but am I the only one with a semi-solid?
Setup: Me and Friend 1 were eating at friend 2’s house. Friend 2’s mother made some au gratin potatoes that smelled like feet. This we found highly amusing, being 12 or so.
The substance: Strawberry Jell-o for dessert.
The punchline: Friend 2’s mom walks out of the room. Friend 1 simply says, “feet!”
Bang! Jello in my nose. I had to blow it to get it out.
I was on holiday in the US visiting relations and I after dinner I was relating the tale of a dream I had where I was having a wedding gown fitting, and the woman wanted to know how many bridesmaids dresses would I need? I was left blank for a moment as I couldn’t think of one female friend or family that I could ask to be my bridesmaid … I actually woke up, sat up in bed and yelped “Jaysus I’m getting married and I’ve no-one to be my bridesmaid”, my brain started to function properly and I realised I had a best friend who had a small daughter, so I had a bridesmaid and a flowergirl all wrapped up. Satisfied I lay back down and fell asleep. In due course I woke up and my first thought was “thanks be to god I sorted that out!” … an hour or so later it dawned on me I wasn’t getting married at all. I then said “good job I realised, can you imagine the phone call I’d have made - oi get over here quick and bring your daughter, I’m getting married and you two are my attendants. I’d have had to phone her back and tell her to bring a groom with her too!” We all had a chuckle at this and it was suggested we could’ve driven around in a convertable looking for a suitable guy, or as my cousin Rick suggested “you could always stand on the Freeway with a sign that says WILL MARRY FOR FOOD” I’d just put a spoonful of ice cream in my mouth and it more or less immediately exited via my nostrils…
Once, at Uni, one of my friends was eating one of those giant chocolate chip cookies, and he sneezed or something, and a chunk of cookie about a cubic centimetre came out… he was wiping melted chocolate out of his nose for the rest of the afternoon.
