You spineless little anal maggot (work rant)

The BBQ Pit
1

I’ve only been at my new job for a month, and already I have a client whose head I want to mount on the wall over my desk.

Every year, company X (a major Japanese electronics maker) holds an international conference for retailers, and they want us to come up with a slogan for this year’s big do. No problem, right? Well, it wouldn’t be if it weren’t for the shit-for-brains middle manager we have to go through.

During our first briefing with him, he tells us he wants slogans that express “the imagination and excitement of technology.” Ok. We give him 10 perfectly good choices. He now shows his true colors.

This gutless wonder is terrified of making a decision and going to the CEO with it, so he starts whinging about how he actually wants something completely different. The problem is, he doesn’t know what he wants, just that it has to be different. So a few days later we give him a list of something different.

Within an hour, this sheetstain emails us back saying “no, it’s still not what I want, and I think maybe it should be something that combines fanatsy and excitement with increasing sales revenues, but in less than six words. And I want it to mention broadband and ubiquitous value networks[sup]*[/sup].” In just one paragraph he manages to use ‘paradigm’, ‘empower’ and ‘synergy’ while contradicting himself twice. The best part, though, is when he finishes his moronic dribblings with “and I promised the CEO I’d present a final selection tomorrow morning, so I need your new slogans by eight o’clock tonight.” You fucking useless waste of space. You are incapable of making a decision, you are incapable of forming a coherent thought, you are incapable of wiping your own ass without a direct order from above, and now you want us to transform your bullshit into gold in just two hours? Suck my hot, sweaty nutsuck, you syphillitic coprophage.

But we do it. We came up with some pretty damn good stuff, if I do say so myself.

Next morning, the call comes. It turns out that before presenting our ideas to his boss, this rusted cockring thought it would be a great idea to ‘improve’ our work with some of his own ideas! Surprise, surprise, the CEO thought it sucked. Now, not only do we have to do this again, but the boss thinks we’re a bunch of half-assed screw-ups because his #2 jizzmonkey spoojed[sup]**[/sup] all over our work!

In summation: Sir, years of wearing your neckties too tight has obviously cut off the blood to your brain, leaving only a pulsating gangrenous lump sitting inside your skull. Your talents would be better put to use scraping fecal matter from a janitor’s brush (you’re far too incompetent to be trusted with actual toilet scrubbing). Your parents, ashamed to admit the truth about what they produced, are telling people their child is actually a microcephalic sheep-shagger who plays piano in a whorehouse.

You, sir, are no gentleman.

[sup]* you got me as to what that’s supposed to mean. He doesn’t know either, but he said it about twelve times.[/sup]
[sup]** no offense intended to our beloved doper, spooje.[/sup]

2

You are Dilbert, and I claim my fuzzy plush Catbert monitor-toy. :smiley:

I feel your pain. I can’t cite anything so specific as you’ve done above…in my workplace it’s more a general malaise, a hazy effluent of sublime retardation billowing from corner offices.

So long as they spell my name correctly on my paychecks, I don’t complain too loudly.

3

And just to put a cherry on top of it all, he now tells us what the CEO wants the slogan to be like, and it’s completely different from everything he’s been telling us for the past two weeks. For Og’s sake, man, don’t you have one single, solitary shred of initiative rattling around in that useless husk you drag to work every day? Your boss is making the final choice on the slogan, he’s giving a keynote speech on the subject, he’s signing the check to pay for all this, and he’s only 20 feet away from your desk. You think maybe you could ask him WHAT THE FUCK HE WANTS?!?

Ugh. I’m spent…

4

I have a similiar story.

I once worked at a small company whose main business was translating software into different languages, such as French, German, Italian, etc. The owner of the company was a single woman, and she was nuts. There’s no two ways to look at it, she was nuts.

She decided once that she wanted to get company t-shirts printed up, and wanted ideas for slogans to put on them. She related a story about how she once had a t-shirt with the word “OLE!” splashed across it in large letters, and she thought that was pretty neat. Most of the employees quickly vetoed that idea, first because we thought it was stupid, and secondly because “OLE” was the acronym of the name of one of our closest business competitors - it would have been like Coke coming out with a t-shirt that said Pepsi.

We came up with several alternate ideas for t-shirts, many of which were very good. Somehow, though, the t-shirt project got put aside, and we all forgot about it for a month or two. Forgot about it, that is, until the owner called a meeting and presented us all with company T-shirts. And yes, they all had “OLE!” in HUGE letters across the front.

5

hehe

At times like this I repeat to myself:

I may die in a viral outbreak, but at least I’m doing basic research. No CEO, no boss of a boss. Just me, the grad student and the PI.

6

This guy can play the piano?

I wish I could play the piano.

Otherwise, a perfect rant, great use of the compulsories to really twist the meaning of jargonese into the meaningless technobabble it is, excellent use of the term “Jizzmonkey”, This

is a phrase I’ll be using for weeks, and perfect dismount. I give it a ten.
I’d still love to be able to play the piano.

b.

7

May I say how cool I find it that the Dopers critique each others’ rants for style? :cool:

Sublight, that sounds awful! Gaaah.

8

Holy bastard - when did my ex-boss move to Japan?

The ex-boss of whom I speak was the founder and CEO of the company. He was the King of not knowing what he wanted. He would change his mind very five minutes and blame us because we’d done exactly what he’d told us to do, instead of what he secretly wanted us to do but couldn’t articulate, or had changed his mind over. And he’d take our work and “improve” it. And he was not above writing “DISMAL” in red pen over work that he didn’t quite like.

9

Fortunately, my boss is more understanding of the situation. He told me, “don’t let it bother you, just see what slogan ideas you can come up with at home tonight. Considering it’s Company X, you’ll probably get the most appropriate inspiration sitting on the toilet.”

I hate the client, but I looooove where I work. :smiley:

10

Oh, I am so familiar with this kind of mindset. My sincere sympathies.

I’m an artist. I’ve gotten people who have an “idea” of what they want me to paint or draw. I paint or draw what they said they want. They then tell me, “Oh, I didn’t want that!” THEN WHY DID YOU ASK ME TO DO THAT?!?!?!"

I now call these kind of people the “I don’t know what I want, but that’s not it” crowd. They have no clue, but they LOVE hearing their own voice, giving orders, “suggestions”, being “in charge”. But they have no clue. And when you don’t please them, it’s all your fault. Oh, sure.

11

I love my job. Just me and my dad, in a machine shop. No idiot middle managers, no braindead co-workers. I don’t even have to deal with asshole customers! And none of this “This isn’t what I really wanted” bullshit, because what my boss wants is right there on the diagram, measured out to a thousandth of an inch.

Now if only I could get paid.

12

Update: A couple of days after posting the OP, we turned in yet another set of ides. Once again, wormboy didn’t like anything, and we were fired. Before hanging up on us, he said “we’re going to go with a New York ad firm who are real professionals and will know how to do this kind of job correctly.”

Yesterday, he called us back: “We’re sorry about the misunderstanding we had earlier and would like to see some more of your ideas.”

Advertising is an incestuous business, so we were able to get in touch with someone who knew someone and find out just what happened. It seems that after two weeks of presenting 10-15 new ideas every day, the new firm finally got fed up with wormboy’s incompetence and told him to roll up his project briefing into a nice little temaki, add a dash of wasabi, and cram it where the sun don’t shine.

Revenge may be sweet, but vindication is even sweeter.

13

AHAHAHAAHH!! Sometimes there IS justice in this world…eeeheheh…

14

After the new firm said “blow me”, probably the shitstain was told by his boss “That 1st firm had some pretty good ideas, let’s get back in touch with them.” Wouldn’t it have been wonderful to see the fuck’s face at that moment?