Dear Asshat neighbor, or REDUS (as you signed your name),
So you thought you were very wily and cunning, tricking the UPS guy into giving you our package while we were with our son in the hospital. Oh so tricky and smart!
Joke’s on you though- I hope you enjoy the 500+ diaper wipes that I’d bought on sale. Bet that was really worth it.
Inkleberry
Oooh! Oooh! Order a large box of live, angry scorpions next! See if he steals that one, too!
BTW, your package was not necessarily stolen. We had a FedEx envelope go missing. It was supposed to be a 2-day delivery, and we called them on Day 4. They claimed that they had a signature, that someone had accepted it three days ago. But they said they’d “check into it” and it appeared on our doorstep two days later, unopened. I think it was just a computer foul-up; the wrong package was listed and delivered and ours end up, hell, I dunno, down behind a box somewhere. I mean, why would you accept an envelope that’s not yours? If it was an accident, and you realized after the FedEx person left that it wasn’t yours, wouldn’t you immediately call FedEx to tell them? And if not, if why wouldn’t you open it?
Are you sure he stole it? Is it possible that he simply accepted the package for you while you weren’t home?
Zev Steinhardt
We live in an apartment complex full of, um, charming people. This person told the UPS guy he was the manager. The manager wasn’t here at all that day.
I expect it’s the same asshat that pees in the elevator.
Hey, if it is, those diaper wipes would really come in handy for him!
That line just wrote itself! 
Would you mind sharing with us from what company you purchased the wipes and how much they were?
Whoops, almost forgot. Fuck REDUS!
I think justice would only be properly served if you could somehow use 500+ pieces of REDUS’ mail as substitute diaper wipes to replace what was stolen from you. You’d of course return it to his mailbox after using it…
If that’s unfeasible, perhaps just throw dirty diapers at him every time you see him?
That’s good, but still leaves you with poopy hands, as paper doesn’t wipe so well. Not to mention, a baby with paper cuts in bad areas! :eek:
Justice would you be showing up on his doorstep and handing him the baby and a diaper the next 500 times she needs a diaper change. Especially in the middle of the night.
After having a package disappear from outside our door and hearing similar stories from neighbors, I started having anything that won’t fit in our mailbox slot delivered to my job.
This is a good point. Perhaps you could simply stick 500 used baby wipes in his mailbox? Either one at a time or all at once – it’s up to you!
So an asswipe stole asswipes…
[QUOTE=LilyoftheValley]
Justice would you be showing up on his doorstep and handing him the baby and a diaper the next 500 times she needs a diaper change. Especially in the middle of the night.
[QUOTE]
That’s a great idea, but just leave every dirty diaper in front of their door.
In the snow?
That would require knowing exactly which charming neighbor swiped the wipes. Let’s see- the Pakistani family with the retarded son that they won’t send to school? Indian gansta boy? Pot heads on the first floor? Freaky flakey crystal-loving single mom with 15 yr old son who does not bathe? Fat lady with the cane and gold tooth? Whoever pees in our elevator?
The choices are many.
Ah, Hayward, I can almost smell it from here. (Oakland)
Your building sounds like my neighborhood.
I want you to know, inkleberry, that I’ve already emailed this paragraph to my wife and sister, and may send it to more people. I can’t remember the last time I read a paragraph to captured everything wrong with urban apartment living so perfectly. It really paints a picture. A funny, funny picture.
Still laughing…
How’s the Inklebaby doing?
He is full of gas, courtesey of his antibiotics, but he is much much better. Less diapers, more smiles, and for the first time ever, we were able to get out of the house by 9:30 this morning.
I am now bowing down and worshipping amoxicillan.
Speaking of a line that just wrote itself!
This is the funniest thread I’ve read in a while. From the thread title, it sounded like the package contained something really disgusting and diabolical. But 500 baby wipes? Brilliant!
Does UPS have any liability for handing your package over to the guy?
You can’t call UPS and find out who signed for them? Or maybe track the package on their website?