You touch our piano again, I chop off your balls!

The BBQ Pit
1

The background: I run a non-profit educational musical theatre workshop called Upstage! The programs director and myself don’t even get PAID yet. We’re running on a shoestring budget, but we put on DAMN good shows, the parents love us, and we’re making a name for ourselves. We teach children ages 4-18 to act, dance and sing. We rent space from a local church, including a classroom which we share with another renter (which happens to be a church itself). In our classroom, we store our sets, stuff we need to teach, and our piano. Our piano is a 1923 Vose and Sons “grand” upright. It’s old, it’s wonderful, and we love it. We just got it this year.

The rant:

Dear fuckwads:

This piano is not yours. From the week we got it until this week, you have managed to do HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS OF DAMAGE to it. First, you broke three keytops. You never told anyone about it, just left the keys lying around on top of the piano. You keep using my stool and drag it around the room, adjusting it at its top height, then settling your rather large ass on it in such a way that it now wobbles and is unsteady. You didn’t even care that you had freakin’ GUM on your shoes and rubbed that all over the base of the stool. THANKS. You also eat shit at the piano, and I find wrappers and crumbs all over the keyboard. I’m allergic to peanuts, so your reeses pieces wrappers do not inspire confidence. I should not have to clean off my keyboard every time I have to play it. Not to mention THAT THIS PIANO IS NOT YOURS TO FUCK WITH ANYWAY.

This week took the cake though. We had purposefully turned the piano to face the wall so you wouldn’t be able to fuck with it. We’d put our stool up there, along with some props and my “soon to be fixed” pedal bars. This piano is old, and on old, antique casters. It cannot be turned without a dolly. Still, YOU TURNED IT. Not only that, but you snapped off one of the casters and LEFT IT LYING AT THE OTHER END OF THE GODFORSAKEN ROOM. When my stagehand tried to lift the piano and have me slip the dolly underneath, we realized it was going to TIP. YOU LEFT ME WITH A BROKEN PIANO. ON FUCKING OPENING NIGHT, JACKASSES! GAAAAARGH! We managed to find the broken piece and try to rest the piano on it and hope it remains steady enough for the fucking show.

Now I have just spoken to my piano technician. To replace the caster, we will have to replace all four. This will be a $400 job, fucknuggets. We can’t do it ourselves. It requires special casters, a special cradle dolly to tip the piano back… And, JOY! He has to order the casters to make the repair. Which means I have to spend the week, WHILE WE HAVE PERFORMANCES, with a broken piano.

You have also managed to let your fucking little hellions (the kids who use this room) to handle and misplace BOTH OF MY BROKEN PEDAL BARS. I CANNOT REPLACE THOSE. They, you know, don’t MAKE THEM FOR PIANOS FROM 1923 ANYMORE. Thanks, jerkfaces. I plan to charge you for those too.

My piano is also going out of tune because you fuck with it on a regular basis. THIS IS NOT A TOY. KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF MY PIANO, or I will find you all and stomp gleefully on your testicles.

GAAAAAH!

Love,

Me.

Note: We have complained to the church we rent from every time we’ve had incidents like that. THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING. So now, we are preparing an invoice. This has GOT TO STOP. We are currently looking for another space. There is NO WAY IN HELL we are staying there. We’ve had stuff STOLEN (including a 4ft stepladder, our radio system for the stage manager and lighting guy, and a toolbox!) and NOTHING has been done about it. I HAVE HAD IT!

2

Looks like some folks aren’t learning the things folks should at church. Get that new space, then take it to small claims. Good luck.

3

When I grew up, old upright pianos from the time period you mention were still pretty common in people’s homes. Both great-grandmothers had one. My parents bought one for a few bucks when my brother took piano lessons. The Catholic school I attended had several. I distinctly remember all of those pianos having a lock in the lid that covers the keys. The school routinely kept all theirs locked and my grandmothers would lock theirs if the grandkids started wanting to mess with the piano. Doesn’t yours have such a lock? It goes without saying, of course, that the people at that church should keep their mitts off your piano, locked or not.

4

You’re telling me. The church we rent from is really nice - everyone’s so sweet (except ONE pastor, who is an absolute bitch who missed out on the whole “be nice to others” bit at Sunday School)… but totally inefficient.

I’ve had it! :mad:

5

Insist that they put a lock on the door. (If you’re sharing the room, give a key to one church person.) What does the church use the room for? Is it just a classroom on Sundays, or just for study group? If so, then there should always be an adult present and if the piano is getting vandalized, then that adult needs to be advised what his responsibilities are.

Not sure if you’d want to do this, but a locksmith might be able to attach a hasp somehow, so you can padlock the piano itself.

Find another space and then break the lease.

Contact the local newspaper and ask if they’d be interested in a ironic story of thievery at a church.

6

Vandalism, not thievery. I have no idea how that word got in there.

7

Our piano does have a lock mechanism, but no key. My tuner plans to come by with old keys and try some to see if we can get it to work. One of our “dads” is also going to piano tech shops today to find a replacement lock if we can.

I’m just so ticked off… GNNNNN! We don’t HAVE the money for the repairs. This is ridiculous!

The group who uses the room on Sundays uses it for “sunday School”. There are adults. In fact, adults had to be the ones turning the piano which faced the wall. They broke a caster and NEVER told anyone. I’m sooooo ticked off, I could strangle people, I swear…

8

Oh, there’s theivery too. Our ladder, our toolbox and our radio system for backstage have developed legs.

9

My college had the piano equivalent of car covers, with locks on them. That might be cheaper than getting the lock replaced.

And absolutely find somebody to bill for all of this. This is completely unacceptable.

If the church resists, put out a collection plate at your next performance, with a BIG SIGN saying that you need donations to pay for repairs after the piano was vandalized.

10

NOTE: The following response contains sarcasm, and in no way reflects my actual opinion.
I’d be careful with comments like that, or Updike will pop in here and decide you’re violating board rules.

11

So?

Then post a sign on the piano, on a great big piece of white pasteboard, that reads, in big black letters:

There.
All better.

12

I can sympathize Elen. I run a building where I oversee 3 upright pianos in practice rooms, as well as a $90,000 9’ Steinway grand.

On the Steinway the technician installed a locking mechanism which is just a heavy steal bar shaped like { with a padlock on the bottom.

If you can’t find a key for the piano’s own locking mechanism, I’d recommend looking into this idea. It shouldn’t be too difficult or expensive I’d imagine.

13

Ugh. I feel the pain.

Right now, I’m just thinking testicle stompings. It would make me feel WAY better.

14

I like this idea!

I’m so sorry these asshats are ruining your stuff. Have you tried putting an announcement in the church bulletin kindly and politely pointing out that these things are not church property, and not to be used by the general public?

15

So… If the culprit(s) should turn out to be female, do you have a backup plan? :smiley:

16

Holy shit. I would be breathing fire.
Is there any way you could borrow a video camera from someone, conceal it in a cardboard box on a shelf or something and have it record the goings-on in that room for however much longer the piano’s going to be there? If somebody fucks with it again, the evidence you’d have would make a pretty good case to charge them with vandalism.

17

Maybe the Baaaaaybeee Jaaaayzuz isn’t talking loud enough!

18

The make casters you can side mount. I had to put one on the old upright I bought my Wife as the original caster was shot. The caster has an L bracket. I jacked the piano up, got in blocked up and the installation was simple. The caster has made it through two moves and 13 years now. I don’t remember the price anymore, but a lot less than $400.

Jim

19

They make casters you can side mount. I had to put one on the old upright I bought my Wife as an original caster was shot. The caster has an L bracket. I jacked the piano up, got in blocked up and the installation was simple. The caster has made it through two moves and 13 years now. I don’t remember the price anymore, but a lot less than $400.

Jim

20

According to the OP, she’s already considering casteration.