First, let’s lose this pointy hat. Gimme a fedora. Except during baseball season, when I’m…a Cardinals fan! Starting now, gay priests may marry…each other. Let’s recruit some dwarf nuns. I’m tired of that stupid joke. Brace yourself; I’m gonna wear pants. Put this 40-pound robe in a museum. We’re gonna modify the penance thing. Instead of 10 Hail Marys and two Our Fathers anna Act of Contrition, gimme one Our Father and cook dinner for a poor family. St. Cecil Adams? Well, he’s gotta die first.
I would choose the name Pope John Paul George Ringo. I would then attempt to reintroduce ancient pagan sex rituals to the liturgy.
stands up
makes sign of cross
“Nanu nanu.”
Looking back on my post, I should make something more clear. When I said, “St. Cecil Adams? Well, he’s gotta die first.” I meant that we’ll see about that much later. I hope that Cecil takes his own sweet time before he can fit death into his busy schedule. He’s not eligible to be sainted in his present condition.
Whew! A pope’s gotta be careful what he says.
I’ve been a Pope of Eris for years now, doesn’t seem to have effected my lifestyle too much.
My first act as Pope would be to prank call the Dalai Lama
I would pretty much go with jjim’s program except that I would also declare all forms of censorship to be deeply offensive to God.
And there would be alternate nun uniforms that would involve … more exposed flesh, more leather, tasteful collars and exposed nipple rings. Because you never know when yuou’re gonna need a leather nun.
Borrowing from this idea, I will implement home and away, Sunday road, and “throwback” vestments. Gotta rake in the tithes somehow. And every Holy Day will feature an Apostle Bobble-Head (collect all 12!) giveaway, to attract the younger parishoners.
I’d scratch my ass before they kiss my ring. A little stinkfinger never hurt anybody.
Bigger hats for everybody.
I’d reinstitute the Spanish Inquisition with cardinals that are even more fanatically devoted to me. And then I will introduce the Comfy Footstool to their range of torture devices.
Build a new Vatican/casino resort in Las Vegas. Congregation members will “tithe” via the house hold percentage. Slot machines will have a cross-shaped pull handle and buttons marked Communion, Baptism, Confession, and Change. A priest will come over to your machine to perform these rituals so you won’t be inconvenienced. Beverage servers will continue to wear skimpy costumes but with nuns habits.
Declare a new mantra: “Do what feels good, but in moderation.” Then I’ll have Bill Clinton redfine moderation just like he did sex.
Um, since WHEN? It’s never been hostile to science that I’ve been aware, Galileo not withstanding.
No, it’s sex where the church is all ass-backward.
I’d do the women priests (well, obviously there would be women priests if I get to be Pope!), gay marriage, married priests, birth control, sex is an expression of love and pleasure, etc.
I’d also adopt liberation theology and put Oscar Romero on the fast track to canonization.
Oh, and I’d declare the Star Wars theme a hymn to be played at Mass. Every Mass. And Yoda would be a saint. And instead of calling priests “Father”, we’d call them “Jedi”
Yeah!
Infallably repudiate Papal infallability.
I would increase tithing by putting a hidden videocamera in the confessional.
“Mr. Smith, you want your wife to know about your ‘business trip’ to Cancun?”
More horsepower in the Popemobile, and tailfins.
You beat me to all that I was thinking on replying here!
You do all that as the new “la papessa” and I will be forced to become Catholic again!
All hail Saint Kat!!!
There’s gonna be some… changes made. As the first atheist RC Pope (it should be noted, though, that I’ve been a Discordian Pope for about six years now; Pope Ourri XLII), I’d immediately scotch most of the dogma we’re talking about here. “We are not, nor should we be, governed by the supertitions and prejudices of men who lived thousands of years ago, much less hundreds.” No more condemnations of sex, sexuality, gender, abortion, science, etc. Women and gays can and will be priests, and they will wear cooler outfits. Much time would be devoted to the notion that violence and other heinous acts in the name of god are NOT cool, a great deal of church history to the contrary. Likewise, the RCC is (I think) the largest landowner in the world, and it takes in tons of money. This money’s not going to the Vatican porn collection anymore ;), and it’s not going to missionary work; it’s going to help the needy as directly as possible. Medical and literacy programs mostly, and ones that work, not the Mother Theresa ‘death in poverty with dignity’ stuff. In nations where the church makes money and is not taxed, it will now insist upon paying taxes, because the church is clearly involved in the political process, and taxes are the dues you pay to participate in that process.
But that’s all policy. As for my introduction to the public? There’d be the usual “I give you Pope Marley I (or Pope Ourri XLII, I haven’t decided)” first. Then, a choir makes a typical, heaven-sounding noise- which turns into a rendition of The Simpsons theme song. After that ends - well, I figure you only get a chance to do this once, so I’d stride to the balcony and say to the masses…
"How do you I
See you’ve met my
Faithful handyman…
He’s just a little brought down because
When you knocked
He thought you were the… Candyman
I’m just a sweet transvestite…
From Transexual, Vatican City…"
Complete with the appropriate throwing open of the vestments, etc. Then I’d make an inspirational speech with the above talking points. At the end, as I turn to leave, a ‘plant’ friend of mine would yell “Where you think you’re going, Pope?”
I’d answer, “I’m going to get laid. Where you going?” 
I’d reintroduce the Crusades and take back the holy lands of America from the infidel Republicans.
I’d proclaim mooning to be a perfectly acceptable way of worshiping God.
I’d install stadium seating and movie screens in all churches.
I’d fire all cardinals and nominate Vegas showgirls to fill the positions.
I’d probably spend a lot of time just saying pope. Pope pope pope pope pope. And giggling.
And then I’d run around getting away with shit; if anyone objected, I’d just bless them.
I’d sell a font and feed Africa for a year.
I’d wear a different robe every day of the year. And I’d bring back the papal tiara because hel-lo!
[sub]Actually, when I was a kid I had an ambition to become pope; I was crushed when I realized that I was a Protestant.[/sub]
Legalize it! All of it!
I’d have a monkey and an organ and every couple of minutes or so when I was saying mass I’d stop and crank it for a couple a seconds and make the monkey dance then I’d stop and be real stern with the congregation and remind them that this is serious business then I’d crank up the old organ again and laugh and say “gotcha”. Then I’d say that I just said that to see who wasn’t taking it seriously. After a minute or so of looking around at the worshipers like I was gonna send someone to hell I’d laugh and say “just kidding!” Then I’d scold the monkey for dancing in church.
I’d repeat as the whim struck me.
My goal as Pope would be to keep ‘em guessin’.
“You put your palms down, you thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis, HUH! You thrust your pelvis…”