You, yes, you... are POPE. What now?

You don’t have to be a cardinal to be Pope. You don’t even have to be a priest. If the College of Cardinals wants YOU, Joe Nobody, then you are Pope Joe Nobody. They ordain you, advance you, and make you Pope.

So let’s say this happens. Here come a whole bunch of Italian dudes in robes and funny hats. And they tell you that you, yes, you, Joe Nobody, are the direct spiritual descendant of St. Peter, and the guardian and protector of the Holy Mother Church.

So you’re anointed with oil, you’ve now got your own funny robes, you’re sitting on your papal throne, and everyone is looking at YOU. Strangely. Until you realize they want you to say something.

What. Do. You. Say?
ummm… Your Holiness…

I would issue a papal decree that communion shall now be carried out with pizza and beer.

I would immediately revoke all previous statements and written doctrine that suppress human sexuality and I would strongly encourage all catholics to express their sexuality and humanity.

This would especially including homosexuality policy, priest celibacy, and sex before marriage.

I’m going to DisneyLand!

I would also decree that Brussel Sprouts are Satanic in origin and must no longer be served as part of Christmas dinner.

alterego stole mine! I would also say that “I don’t necessarily know what I’m talking about!” (Papal infallibility) Also:female priests. Acknowledge the validity of Evolution

Excuse me, I’ve got to go see some nuns about … er … changing their name. (They won’t be known as “none”'s for long!)

“Er…excuse me…where’s the bathroom. I really gotta pee.”

I’d immediately call Vatican III. Here’s my manifesto: women priests, gay priests, homosexual marriage, yes to contraception, yes to divorce, reduced beaurocracy, severe punishment to paedo clergy, transubstantiation is purely symbolic, let’s talk about pro-choice, and belief in God optional.

Think I’d make it to the primaries? :wink:

Well, I’d do all that, of course, but I would just say that it’s consubstantiation. I’m trying to think of a cute slogan regarding that very matter. “Communion - it just symbolizes what’s for dinner”. I dunno.

Or the old one about the low-fat communion host:

“I can’t believe it’s not Jesus!”

I would open a large hall in the Vatican that would serve to honor other religions and ideologies of the world to promote peace and understanding, and a unified belief in life and free will.
Ideally, I would also create a chain restaurant specializing in Jesus-shaped chicken fingers to capitalize on the transubstantiation gig.


Now you’ve got me thinking - eating Jesus would be fine on the Atkins Diet, but a communion wafer wouldn’t. Catholics should slimmer then.

Anyway. When I’m Pope:

A basket full of free condoms to be placed in the entrance to all churches/cathedrals.

Trim down the work force especially at head office. Savings can go on the poor.

All Nuns to dress properly. None of these just below the knee pinafores.

Reinstatment of the more interesting Saints. Anyone aspiring to sainthood needs to have done something interesting. Seeing a vision of Mary or being nice to the sick won’t hack it under my regime.

And I shall have a squad of Camp Cardinals to send out to solve mysteries and troubleshoot and stuff.

And I’m not kissing tarmac.

Sorry, but ole JP2 beat you to that one quite a while ago.

As for me, I’d go out and get laid. I guarantee you that you could pick up a woman in ANY bar on earth by saying (and having proof to back it up) “Hey, baby…I’m Pope. Wanna fuck?”

I kinda figured. But generally, isn’t the CC hostile to science?

Oh, rats, why didn’t I think of this sooner? I would say Mass in Pig Latin.

Also, wasn’t it only under JPII that Galileo’s excommunication was rescinded?

Kal, you had my vote with your First Papal Decree, but lost it with your second one.

As for me, if I see a bunch of Italians with funny hats coming toward me, I’m not sticking around long enough to see what they want.

MY first act as Pope Paul the (Nth) would be to start mass at a reasonable hour, like noon.

“My neighbor’s dog has a four-inch clit! Fucking shit!”

Sorry, just listened to Adam Sandler last night, and have had this stuck in my head all day today.

Man, I leave my thread in the hands of you heathens and THIS is the best you can do?

Somebody get me some new heathens.

Pope HSHP’s action plan:

  1. Catholic schoolgirl outfits now look more like they do in those movies I have to hide from Mom.

  2. Hymns that ROCK.

  3. SpeedMass (patent pending).

  4. Penance now will be: “You can say a hundred Hail Marys and seven hundred Our Fathers… or you can go for the PHYSICAL CHALLENGE!”

  5. Immediate excommunication of Creed (even if they’re not Catholic).

Or, on the flipside, I would start actually ENFORCING rules. The problem with the damn Church is that it’s too forgiving, what with the Penance and everything. Now we WATCH you after you get out of the confessional. We catch you doing it again… well, we still have our Vatican-approved “Buster’s Big Ol’ Book Of Inquisition Techniques” on the shelf. Time to dust that bad boy off.

New Motto: “The Catholic Church: Kicking Ass And Taking Names Again- The Way It Oughta Be.”