Well, Pope MrVisible is my favorite so far! I don’t know about Pope Odinoneeye, though … still, to be fair, ol’ One Eye never was known as a happy-go-lucky Norse god, so one has to make allowances 
Hoo, boy…
My First-100-days Papal Platform
(1) Celibacy Schmelibacy. Each Order adopts its own rule, and for diocesan priests let it be a career-track choice. OTOH anyone in the priesthood or orders caught fooling around adulterously, patronizing dens of iniquity, or taking advantage of the position gets shitcanned immediately.
(2) Speaking of which: “To the US Conference of Bishops: You all know whose resignations I want on my desk tomorrow. Don’t make me go there and perp-walk you outta the cathedral.”
(3) Ladies, you may apply for the seminary as soon as they finish adapting the facilities
(4) Preventive Birth control: OK
(5) Hey, ocassional masturbation is not that bad, really; OTOH if you’re in the bathroom 4 hours daily or you haven’t read a single magazine that did not come wrapped in opaque plastic in the last year, you should seek counselling .
(6) You’re in a committed, loving relationship with ONE other committed, loving adult, freely and with full respect for each other’s dignity? You’re OK with us, but we’d rather you officialize it sacramentally in a permanent manner. OTOH running around using and exploiting persons, groups of persons, animals, plants or household appliances for your selfish pleasure w/o regard for consequences is still wrong.
(7) Remarriage is fine, if you really, really tried the first time and it just did not work out. But if you’re Jennifer Lopez, call us back when you decide to take this seriously.
(8) Hire competent writers to create a scripturally-sound series of apocalyptic novels based on REAL Christian Theology
(9) Dear Mr. Gibson and all the other people upset about Vat-2: we’re really happy you’re so committed to tradition. Way to go. More power to you. We’ll even give you an alternative old-style rite. However WE are the real, official RCC and if you don’t like that you can hit the road.
(10) Worldwide Satellite-TV Late Night Talk-show format Audiences, 3 nights a week, on major networks.
(11) Monthly interactive web-chat Papal Audience
(12) Cardinal Ratzinger will be assigned to perform a series of Fear Factor-type stunts for the amusement of the masses on the RCC cable channel, when he is not assigned to be the one who actually reads the above announcements
(13) Grab a seat on a Soyuz to the ISS and have Mass from the Heavens… come to think about it, better send Ratzinger on that one, too
(14) Have the Queer Eye guys do a special from the Vatican Palace. However, make perfectly clear that more than one use of the pseudo-word “zhush” will result in the Swiss Guard poleaxing the offender(s).
(15) Hire highly competent European/Japanese comic artists to produce series of Catholic tracts accusing Jack Chick of being in cahoots with whatever evil conspiracy they can come up with.
…and may I say I really liked the idea of the Las Vegas Vatican Resort and Casino.
GG never got excommunicated, just told to shut the f*** up and stop annoying the authorities . But the Galileo case really came towardt the end of that attitude, by the 1700’s Catholic scholars were participating hard and heavy in scientific research. Once irrefutable proof of the Copernican model was at hand (stellar parallax, IIRC) it was quietly adopted. What JP2 did was finally offer a long-delayed public “oops! our bad; sorry”
And re: Evolution. In official church statements, already in 1909 it was something worth looking into, in 1951 (Pius 12) it was a valid, well-supported scientific theory, and as of 1994 (JP2) it’s “more that just one more theory” and the best available explanation for the physical development of life.
Thanks Delirious!
I shall use the power vested in my vestments to resurrect threads!
Ha!
I’d say: “I am the Pope. I want to be King.”
Peter O’Toole would reply: “I am the King. I want to be Pope”
and Richard Harris would end with “And I am a Man. I want to be King of the Popes! Aw-haw-haw-haw-haw!”
The Man Who Would Be King Of The Popes, coming soon to SCTV.
First: “Y’know, it’s sort of silly to take anything written by some random folk a couple thousand years ago too seriously. Let’s lighten up a bit, shall we?”
Second: “But those bits about “thall shall not murder”, and “love thy neighbor as thyself” and “Be nice” and all that, remember them? “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?” Let’s maybe shift our focus there a little more.”
Third: The Vatican will now have an official Gay-Straight Alliance. Nyeh-nyeh, you can’t do anything about it.
Then I’d stop and wonder, why, exactly, they decided that a 17-year-old agnostic who was raised Jewish and if anything would label herself as a Buddhist would be the best new Pope.
I would PopeSlap everyone.
That’s what the bigass ring is for, right?
Okay, let’s see…
1.) I’d promote Fr Guido Sarducci to Bishop, at least.
2.) I’d tell everyone that contraception is okay.
3.) I’d tell everyone that masturbation is okay, just don’t do it during study hall or mass.
4.) On behalf of the RC church, I’d apologize to the Moslims for the crusades.
5.) On behalf of the RC church, I’d apologize to the Jews for anti-semitism.
6.) I’d order that they provide a selection of dips to go with those tasteless wafers.
7.) I’d replace the dago red with some nice Mogen David concord grape.
8.) Married priests? Why not? Female priests? Why not? Predatory priests? How about a new meaning for the phrase “prison chaplain”?
9.) I’d replace that depressing Jesus hanging from a cross with "Buddy Christ "
10.) Perform Masses in Yiddish.
I’ll come up with more, but that should be enough for the first week.
Well, there’s always Morris West’s “The Shoes of the Fisherman” about a priest who spends years in a Siberian labor camp and then is released, ultimately becoming pope.
He decides to sell the Vatican’s assets to raise money to feed the hungry.
The book was also made into a big-budget film that flopped, in spite of having a wonderful cast - Anthony Quinn, Sir Laurence Olivier, Sir John Gielgud, Oskar Werner, Leo McKern, Vittorio De Sica, even David Janssen. Check the Rotton Tomatos review here
SOTF is one of my favorite movies. Uplifting, because little guy makes good. Maybe the next pope will take a page or two from that book. it would at least be a start. I agree with most of the more moderate posts I’ve read. Hidebound traditionalists would have to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century. The Holy Spirit can’t do it alone. :o
Me as the The Dude In The Funny Hat - what a concept. My first act would be to say:
“Shut it down. All of it. Sell everything and give me the money. And all the priests and nuns now have to go out and get real jobs.”
I would then take the money and build at least one school in every major city in the United States that would actually educate kids instead of babysitting them and brainwashing them with liberal nonsense.
Anything left over is mine.
I’d go take a shit in the woods.
I guess SOMEBODY had to say it.
Just doing my civic duty…
“Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse…even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal…both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn’t come to Earth to give us the willies…He came to help us out. He was a booster! And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we’ve come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the “Catholicism WOW!” campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you…The Buddy Christ!”
The Vatican’s new home on the web: the SPMB.
What about Dove; The Alterboy Wonder? (please forgive me)
First thing I’d do is either make sins not so bad or okay; like gay marriage, birth control, etc. Or really crack down on all sinning.
When I’m Pope I’ll give the world the greatest gift a Pope ever could…
I’ll immediately abolish the Catholic Church.
After that, I’ll strongly suggest that all other religions disband, too.
You know, it’s interesting. Mind you, we’re having a good time with this and all, so everything’s sorta funny. Still, it seems the posts all seem to fall in one of two categories:
- What we’d do to make the world a (allegedly) better place, or
- What we’d do a la Evil Overlord.
I wonder what that says about us?
I am one of the evil overlord faction:
-
Bring back some mysticism: You know, have the priests speak in latin again (or some other obscure language nobody understands) and fill the churches with that smoke stuff (sorry, I am lacking the word here).
-
If they don´t exist already, I want a group of vatican-killer hit men.
-
The pope-robes need to be made of kevlar.
-
As a failsafe to the bullet proof robe, I would like to have some doppelgangers, just in case…
-
Also, I need a network of fanatically loyal spies / advisors, distributed in as many governments as possible. The CC could then function as information broker (“So, George, how badly do you want to find those WMDs in Iraq?”)
-
My church would be gay friendly, as it is foolish to cut yourself off of potential worshippers.
-
Something evil. I cannot think of anything more at the moment, but I am sure there´s more that could be done here.
So, do I get the job? 