(Mods, not sure if this belongs best in IMHO or MPSIMS…)
I’ve heard more than a few young (for the sake of this thread, under age 25) people say post-break-up, that if they had met their partner x amount of years later, they ‘probably would have married’ him/her. Reasons given for the break-ups include the fact that they were ‘too young’, not ready to settle down, wanted more freedom, didn’t want to get too serious, etc. And perhaps this is a female thing, but a couple of friends who initiated break-ups with their boyfriends (causing the males much grief in the process) have hinted or outright admitted that they could still see themselves getting back together some time, when they are presumably more ready to settle down or whatever.
Is this kind of attitude… good? Weird? An inevitable hurdle in a relationship between young people? I’m not sure what I think about it. It seems somewhat bizarre to say, essentially, ‘We have a perfectly good relationship, but because we’re 20 instead of 25 I’m going to break up with you.’ If you could see yourself marrying a person sometime in the future, wouldn’t it make more sense to keep them around than to push them away? I mean, you will be ready to ‘settle down’ some day, and you want to still be in a relationship with this person when you are, right?
On the other hand… I can understand, if not on an intellectual level then an emotional level, the impetus behind something like this. You don’t want to be twenty years down the track regretting the fact that you never did [insert awesome adventure] because you tied yourself down with a serious relationship too early in life. Ideally, you want to have the awesome adventure *and *the awesome relationship. I guess it makes sense in a lot of people’s minds that the best way to do this is to dump the partner and hope that you’ll either be able to come back to them, or have the chance to meet someone even better.
Then I wonder why people seem to draw a line between fun/crazy years and ‘relationship’ based years. Is it realistic to think that you can have fun and craziness and whatever, while being in a relationship? Obviously, if by ‘fun’ you mean ‘hooking up with as many random people as possible’, that might be difficult. But things like overseas trips, nights spent partying, etc… couldn’t you do that alongside the boyfriend/girlfriend, or would that be inherently less appealing? Obviously that is a subjective question, but I’m after subjective opinions…
Lastly, there is the issue of being physically be distant from your partner, such as for work, travel or schooling. I remember a thread a while back where a poster was considering moving for grad school somewhere quite far away from her boyfriend (sorry, can’t remember much else!). There seemed to be an interesting divide between opinions of ‘do it, if the relationship is worth it, it will survive’ and ‘don’t do it, the reason our grandparents have successful 60-year marriages is because they *didn’t *jeapordise their relationships by doing things like this.’ I think the latter is a good point.
Another thing to remember is that in previous generations, being with the person who would be your future life partner during your late teens and early twenties was completely normal. Today’s young people, in contrast, seem to have this drive to ‘experience’ as much as we can out of life, which often involves a rejection of the idea that the person you meet at age 18 will, or should, be the person you end up with.
I guess you’re only happy if you feel lucky, and where someone a generation or two ago might have felt lucky meeting someone that they loved by age 20, someone today might feel restricted, or held back, by the same thing. I think it’s uncontroversial to say that a 20-year old woman today has far more opportunities than her grandmother would have at age 20, and a man is not a necessity for many, or any, of those. With more choice comes the feeling that you could be making the ‘wrong’ choice.
I’m interested to hear opinions from all generations - dopers in relationships that are ‘settled’ or ‘serious’ or whatever you want to call it, how old were you when you first got together with your partner? If you were young when you met, do you ever feel that you missed out on opportunities you might have had, had you spent more time single and unattached?
If you’ve ever broken up with someone because of feeling too young for a serious relationship or some such, do you think this was the right move? Do you look back and go, ‘yeah thank god we didn’t stay together, that would have ended in disaster/I would never have gained the life experience that I now have/I can’t believe I once wanted to marry that freak’ or do you fondly think about how your life might have been different, but not worse? Or maybe you regret for letting ‘the one’ slip away?
FWIW, I’m 20, my boyfriend is almost 22, and we’ve been together about 2 1/2 years. I’m not about to break up with him or anything, but this is just something I’ve been thinking about.