This is something I’ve been wondering about quite a bit lately. Check out the items below and you’ll see the pattern:
*My friend TM: female, youngest of seven, looking after her mom (dad is dead).
*friend LK: female, younger of two (older brother), looking after mom; dad is dead.
*friend PP: female, younger of two (older brother),
looking after both parents.
*me(viva): female, younger of two (older brother), looking after both parents.
*my cousin CF: female, youngest of 3 (two older brothers), mom is dead, looking after her dad.
*friend ML: younger of two (older sister), looking after mom, dad out of the picture.
All of us: in our 30s-40s.
QUESTIONS: Is this a phenomenon that occurs everywhere?
There must be male offspring somewhere that look after at least one parent…mustn’t there? (If there are no girls, would the youngest boy automatically take over the care?) How come many of the older siblings–the ones I know, anyhow–tend to live far away and/or don’t help out that much? Did we, the youngest girls, assume our roles because we thought we had to, or because we wanted to, on some level? (Both, in my case.)
Is it a societal expectation?
I think it’s just a matter of circumstance. My 97-year old grandmother passed away recently and she was cared for by her elder daughter. Her younger daughter, my mother, had passed away 8 years before her mother died.
My paternal grandfather, who only had sons, was cared for her by first and second sons, as her third son, my father, had moved out of state.
Circumstances figure in but I think that society in general and men in particular still expect that this is “women’s work.” I can’t comment on the “youngest” factor; I have only one similar situation to go on – my own. I’m the middle child and took my mother in. The oldest, my brother, lived too far away. Actually,if he hadn’t, he may well have taken Momma in – my sister-in-law is very generous and giving and I think they would have offered. But it was between me and my sister (the youngest). Momma didn’t have a say in the matter – she had alzheimer’s. Sister is married and I’m not. But she has a house and I’m in an apartment. She also works part-time and I work full-time. This was 7 years ago, so I don’t recall the exact conversation, but she didn’t offer, and I did. I think there were a lot of emotions going on – guilt and sorrow mainly - like, God, nobody wants her; I love her and I have to do this. Later, struggling with Momma and almost going over the edge myself, I built up a lot of resentment that my sister hadn’t offered to take her. Momma died in '94. Sis and I continued to have a good relationship, so I just tried to forgive and forget. But in a conversation with her not long ago, I told her about my resentment. She said, “why didn’t you say something at the time?” I didn’t have an answer, but later thought, why didn’t SHE offer at the time.
In cases where there is only a male available for parental care, the task usually falls to the daughter-in-law. This is what I’ve seen so far. The guys rarely seem to do a good job with this unless they are unmarried and then they don’t seem to have enough patience to deal with it well.
I’ve seen it suggested that it is a good idea to talk to all the aunties and uncles and find out what was done previously in the family. Who did what and how. Then gather up all (if you are lucky there will be at least two) and make it a group project. Find out what everyone can do right from the start and go on from there.
Some of my older friends have remarked that they learned all their lessons with the husband’s mother and knew what to do when it came time to take care of their own mothers and end up feeling a bit guilty about the mistakes they made with the husband’s mother.
I remember reading that Queen Victoria simply assumed that her youngest daughter, Princess Beatrice, would remain unmarried and stay at home to take care of her. She was very upset when Princess Beatrice decided to marry Henry of Battenberg, but became resigned to it when the couple agreed to live with her.
Things are changing though. In my family, and my boyfriend’s family, the parents still expect the youngest child to live nearby or with them and to take care of them when they get old. However, both of the youngest children in our families are boys.
It’s not totally unfair. The oldest is usually expected to send the most money home, and that sounds easier, to me, than being the primary caregiver.
When my mother’s parents needed care, my mother (she was the oldest daughter) and several of her sisters divided up the responsibilities, although the bulk of it went to my mother. But she wasn’t only the oldest daughter, she was a nurse and had a lot more experience talking with doctors, arranging for care, etc.
When my father’s parents needed care, it was my uncle (third out of four children) who took care of them. In fact, my grandmother didn’t even want his wife around.
When my father became ill, he called my sister (the oldest in the family) first, and she got there before I did.
I think the pattern is, whoever the parents used as the babysitter when the children were young, and whoever is closest.