I was walking home from work today, and was startled out of my reverie by the following–
(chirp) and so she went to work today but I don’t know (chirp)
I looked around but saw nobody. Where could this noise be coming from? Did someone throw a Nextel phone into the bushes somewhere? Was I finally succumbing to schizophrenia? Was the angel Gabriel speaking to me from on high and using that goddamned Nextel chirp to announce himself for some reason?
(chirp) where she went after and I called like five minutes ago (chirp)
Louder it gets! The mystery, or perhaps only my madness, deepens! Frantically I scanned the surrounding courtyard, but I was the sole inhabitant! From whence comes this devilry?!
Then, from around the corner, literally 30 feet away I see a young woman holding the accursed instrument at least a foot away from her ear, perhaps so as not to cause permanent hearing damage at the 120 dB chirping noise it made every fucking 10 seconds.
Baffled, I stood, frozen to the spot. “That just doesn’t make sense,” thought I to myself, “after all, why purchase a device for personal communication and then set it to a volume such that everyone can hear?” But what I said was, “TURN YOUR GODDAMNED PHONE DOWN!”
She gave me the finger.
The point of this post is that I will pay $200 for someone to invent a device that impinges upon whatever frequency these monstrosities. I will use this device for good, like an urban superhero, locating individuals with their phones cranked to 11, and transmitting messages for the general populace such as–
“THE OWNER OF THE VERY LOUD PHONE HAS MANY VENEREAL DISEASES”
“I REQUIRE YOUR SOUL! JOIN US AND ENTER A NEW ERA OF DEAFNESS!”
Bonus points if The Device also can somehow interfere with custom ringtones.