Your chirpy phone must die for the good of mankind!

The BBQ Pit
1

I was walking home from work today, and was startled out of my reverie by the following–

(chirp) and so she went to work today but I don’t know (chirp)

I looked around but saw nobody. Where could this noise be coming from? Did someone throw a Nextel phone into the bushes somewhere? Was I finally succumbing to schizophrenia? Was the angel Gabriel speaking to me from on high and using that goddamned Nextel chirp to announce himself for some reason?

(chirp) where she went after and I called like five minutes ago (chirp)

Louder it gets! The mystery, or perhaps only my madness, deepens! Frantically I scanned the surrounding courtyard, but I was the sole inhabitant! From whence comes this devilry?!

Then, from around the corner, literally 30 feet away I see a young woman holding the accursed instrument at least a foot away from her ear, perhaps so as not to cause permanent hearing damage at the 120 dB chirping noise it made every fucking 10 seconds.

Baffled, I stood, frozen to the spot. “That just doesn’t make sense,” thought I to myself, “after all, why purchase a device for personal communication and then set it to a volume such that everyone can hear?” But what I said was, “TURN YOUR GODDAMNED PHONE DOWN!”

She gave me the finger.

The point of this post is that I will pay $200 for someone to invent a device that impinges upon whatever frequency these monstrosities. I will use this device for good, like an urban superhero, locating individuals with their phones cranked to 11, and transmitting messages for the general populace such as–

“THE OWNER OF THE VERY LOUD PHONE HAS MANY VENEREAL DISEASES”

or

“I REQUIRE YOUR SOUL! JOIN US AND ENTER A NEW ERA OF DEAFNESS!”

Bonus points if The Device also can somehow interfere with custom ringtones.

2

The device has already been invented. Alas, it lacks the capability to send those damned chirpers straight to whatever circle of Hell they are most deserving.

3

Those suckers are supposed to be used on construction sites, right? To cut through the noise of machinery?

Well, trust me, they do cut through the noise of machinery, such as a bus or el car. Sheesh.

Only thing worse are the people who decide to change their ringtone in public, and cycle through everything from ‘Fur Elise’ to ‘Rumpshaker’ until they find THE most annoying one possible. CHIRP!

4

I’m sorry that it bothered you, but I’m of the opinion that you ought to get over it. If you told me to turn down my phone, while I was outside, I’d probably tell you to fuck off too. I think that people just enjoy getting upset over stupid shit.

5

Hmm. Perhaps I am a little tightly wound. Perhaps it is normal to purchase a device that is engineered to be held adjacent to the ear, then set it to the volume of a small jet engine and hold it at arm’s length like a talisman, warding off pedestrians who are trying to get home.

6

This is doubtful.

I’m of the opinion that people like this are antisocial self-absorbed dingbats who deserve to be embarassed when they misbehave in public.

7

I really don’t understand those phones. It’s a phone. Why is it necessary to shout and to hold the phone two feet from mouth and ear so that every person can hear both sides of your probably tedious conversation? Is there a reason? And why are those people always in the supermarket, where I can’t avoid them?

8

I figure since they want me to hear both sides of the conversation, they must want me to join in, too. Haven’t been gutsy enough to try it yet, though.

9

A-freakin-men to that. I am always just dumbstruck an the inanity of the conversations that these people are holding as well. They’re not really even conversations, they’re just random monosylibic synapse firings conducted at the volume of a Metallica concert. Nextel is the tool of the devil.

10

My personal favorite is when those fucking things are being used in my parking lot at 3 in the morning when I’m trying to sleep. Nextel truly is the tool of Satan.

11

Nextel (which is what I assume you heard) is meant to be used both as a phone and as a walkie-talkie. When used as a walkie-talkie, it’s not designed to be held next to your ear, the one I have from work has the walkie-talkie mouthpiece on the opposite side of the phone as the regular cellphone mouthpiece.

12

Fine, just be quiet while you do it.

13

CHIRP!!

:stuck_out_tongue:

14

fuck off

15

“Yeah, I’m on the…”
…
“Yeah, I’m on…”
…
“on the train!”
…
“the train”
…
“Yeah, I can’t hear you either”
…
“I said I can’t hear you either”
…
“Never mind”
…
“Yeah”
…
“Touch base tomorrow”
…
“Yeah”
…
“<laughs>Big-time”
…
“Do you…”
…
“Hello?”
…
“HELLO?”
…
“HE…HELLO?”

16

I’ve always assumed that the walkie-talkie feature was to be used just to transmit a quick bit of information, like “Where are you?” It wasn’t meant to be used for full on conversations. The problem lies in the fact that the walkie-talkie feature is way cheaper, and doesn’t use any minutes.

17

Oh, I agree 100%… but I always get calls from work where they want to impart some vital information to me by Direct Connect. I usually just call them using the phone option and tell them, “Now repeat everything you told me since I couldn’t understand a word you said”.

18

Actually the frequency that Nextel uses is adjacent to the frequency that many emergency services use for their walkie talkies. In some cases there have been reports of cross talk between the two. So I always hope that somewhere, someone is talking about something they shouldn’t be and that the cops accidentaly pick it up.

19

Hi, Rick? Hey, what’s up?

Hello?

Rick, it’s Bob.

BOB.

Hello?

Yeah, I’m on the train.

The train.

THE TRAIN.

Hello?

What are you doing tonight?

Oh. I got on the wrong train.

I GOT ON THE WRONG TRAIN.

Can you pick me up?

Hello?

CAN YOU PICK ME UP?

Hello? HELLO? HELLO?

FUCK!

Hi, Sue? Hey, what’s up?

Hello?

Sue, it’s Bob.

BOB.

Hello?

Yeah, I’m on the train.

The train.

THE TRAIN.

Hello?

What are you doing tonight?

Oh. I got on the wrong train.

I GOT ON THE WRONG TRAIN.

Can you pick me up?

Hello?

CAN YOU PICK ME UP?

Hello? HELLO? HELLO?

FUCK!

Hi, Steve? Hey, what’s up?

Hello?

Steve, it’s Bob.

BOB.

Hello?

Yeah, I’m on the train.

The train.

THE TRAIN.

Hello?

What are you doing tonight?

Oh. I got on the wrong train.

I GOT ON THE WRONG TRAIN.

Can you pick me up?

Hello?

CAN YOU PICK ME UP?

Hello? HELLO? HELLO?

FUCK!

Hi, Ashleighee?? Hey, what’s up?

Hello?

Ashleighee, it’s Bob.

BOB.

Hello?

Yeah, I’m on the train.

The train.

THE TRAIN.

Hello?

What are you doing tonight?

Oh. I got on the wrong train.

I GOT ON THE WRONG TRAIN.

Can you pick me up?

Hello?

CAN YOU PICK ME UP?

Hello? HELLO? HELLO?

FUCK!

Hi, Andy? Hey, what’s up?

Hello?

Andy, it’s Bob.

BOB.

Hello?

Yeah, I’m on the train.

The train.

THE TRAIN.

Hello?

What are you doing tonight?

Oh. I got on the wrong train.

I GOT ON THE WRONG TRAIN.

Can you pick me up?

Hello?

CAN YOU PICK ME UP?

Hello? HELLO? HELLO?

FUCK!

Hi, Kaitlyyn? Hey, what’s up?

Hello?

Kaitlyyn, it’s Bob.

BOB.

Hello?

Yeah, I’m on the train.

The train.

THE TRAIN.

Hello?

What are you doing tonight?

Oh. I got on the wrong train.

I GOT ON THE WRONG TRAIN.

Can you pick me up?

Hello?

CAN YOU PICK ME UP?

Hello? HELLO? HELLO?

FUCK!
For a fucking hour.

20

“Hi there…‘Bob’, was it? Tell ya what Bob. Put the fucking phone away, and I’ll give you a ride home.”