Your current emotional struggle?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I think the two of us have come to the conclusion that the problem really was a series of misunderstandings. For example, when I told him I would marry him, it was more an off-hand remark that I never in a million years would have expected him to consider than an actual request so, when he started asking “What about…?” and “What if…?” questions, I thought he was pointing out all the ways it was impossible and just not a good idea* when what he was really doing was trying to work out the practicalities of it.

It sounds so stupid now I know but that’s what I thought I knew, that he was definitely opposed to the idea of being with anybody because, you know, commitment and a whole other person minimizes freedom and it’s nice to know that he could pack up and live in a yurt in the wilderness if he wanted without having to worry about anybody else (even though I TOLD HIM I would live in a damn yurt to be with him).

Anyway, to answer your questions: in my mind he had a good three, four years to think things through. I thought I had been pretty clear re: my feelings but, again with the misunderstandings, he says he never realized how very serious it was (despite the fact that I told him more than once over a period of time way prior to this that I didn’t think he was taking my feelings as seriously as he maybe should) until I told him I would be his wife. From the point that he finally did get it? Not long enough, apparently.

And you’re right, there is a chance that daily contact would have been disastrous but I doubt that very much. Even so, I think even if it had failed miserably it would have been worth a shot.

*We’ve problem-solved this way before so it’s not as unreasonable and stupid an assumption as it maybe looks on paper. Imagine if I said “I’m going to drop out of school because I will make more money cooking meth and, hey! More free time!” Rather than telling me I shouldn’t or that it’s a dumb idea, he would ask “What about…?” and “What if…?” type questions to make me look at the big picture so that I would eventually see how crazy it was all on my own. I’m a little impulsive, so that’s kind of how he’s always talked me out of doing things that seemed like a neat idea but would never work for whatever reason.

22

Well that’s good that you have time. I’m sorry you’re frustrated, but I’m sure no matter how long it takes you to have a child, your patience will be rewarded with a unique baby that wouldn’t have been in your life if not for the wait. Good luck to you!

I think I get the type of relationship you had. I’m sort of like that too. When I talk to some of my friends, I ask the; “Well did you consider this…?” or “I can see why it would be nice to quit the job you have, but might you consider trying to finding another job before you quit?” It’s like you’re trying to see every angle of the situation. Lately I’ve been bringing up my girlfriend’s daughter a lot; “Well that would be the best idea for you, but how do you think it might effect your daughter? In a good way, or will she have a hard time adjusting?” Even when we talk about our relationship.

You get the point.

I can see how it would be a misunderstanding. Though you say you think you were clear. The fact that he waited until you had a family make me think maybe he realized he lost a good opportunity. You were the only one that made an effort until that point. You DID tell him you loved him, and you would move for him.

I hope you’re happy with the guy you’re with, (are you?). You said he was a guy from the past, but is there a chance you might developed the type of intimacy you had with Joey. I find that with SOME LD relationships, it’s easier to develop a certain type intimacy that may be more difficult to get to you were face-to-face with someone… And once you have your child, I’ll bet some of your “what if?” questions will be thrown out the window, because you’ll be wondering what if I missed out on having this wonderful new baby.

23

He will turn twenty-two next week. A week from today.

I think it sounds like you are working hard on your issues, you don’t sound lazy at all to me. :slight_smile:

24

Coming to grips with how mundane and painful life can be. Once you decide to stop covering up and overcompensating for your vulnerabilities, the nerve endings become raw and you realize how vulnerable you really are. But it is for the best. I’d rather realize the bad side of life than overcompensate in order to hide from it.

Also I found out a woman I used to really have feelings for in college got married a year ago. That was hard but I honestly think I’m over it now. I am never falling in love again. Being that vulnerable with another person? No thanks.

That and a sense of isolation I’ve had for years. I am trying to overcome that.

Plus I’m trying to get my career on track. I found a part time job and am doing ok financially (meaning I can support myself, have no debt and am building my savings). But I have no security and one illness will destroy everything I’m working on financially.

Plus I am worried about the future. The world is facing so many problems around the bend (natural resource shortages, overextended welfare states, environmental issues). And although it won’t be as bad as the 1914-1945 period civilization went through (when a good deal of humanity had to deal with 2 world wars, an influenza pandemic and a great depression in the span of 30 years) it will still be a hard time.

All in all though I’m sure everything will be fine in the long run. It almost always is.

25

I go in to get my eggs harvested on Friday.

On Monday or Wednesday, they’ll be returned to me.

And, gods willing, one of them will stick, and I will be pregnant.

I am terrified. What if it goes wrong? What if it goes RIGHT?

Also, we are currently hosting a guest from Australia, through 8/1.

Furthermore, there are some problems between me and Husband that I don’t care to go into, but that I fervently hope do not dissolve our marriage. Especially since we may be about to be parents.:smack:

Yup. Life is weird.

26

My main anxiety is about my father - he’s still reasonably active and mentally acute (if a bit inflexible), and my brother and I have arranged for him to live in the same building as my brother, his wife and my two adorable nieces - but at some point there is going to be decline and death. I dread that. In 2008 my mother died, and I know that having to be there for my father was something that helped me very much. Getting closer to my brother also helped.

What exercises me emotionally a bit these last few months is to dip my toes into dating again (having primed the pump with some baseless confidence.) It’s not so much the ups and downs (ultimately, downs) that make me anxious (I am pretty fatalistic about that) but self-doubts about objectivizing women. Since the week before last I have been concerned to prove to myself (primarily) and to a female friend whom I like very much that I take rejection like a man not an asshole - it’s curious how much that matters to my self-image.

27

This is something we have talked about and, yeah, that sense of loss probably contributed a lot to his willingness/ability/whatever to be honest with me, which pissed me off at first (like, really, you’re going to wait until NOW to tell me this?!). It doesn’t matter anyway, not anymore.

Thank you, yes, I really am.

28

So two months or so ago, I went out on a major interpersonal limb and let a friend of mine know that I had feelings for her. She tells me that while she likes me, she doesn’t know what she wants. So I shrug and back off a little (after looking up the word ‘maybe’ in my Womanspeak-to-Manspeak dictionary), to give myself time to calm down and get things back in balance.

A week or so later, we’re making seed bombs at my house with some mutual friends. This is the first time we hung out for any significant length of time since that afternoon. She’s about to go home, and I hug her goodbye. She gives me a kiss. My ‘what the fuck’ alarm goes off very loudly; something ain’t right with this picture, but I disregard my hunch and let myself think she might have feelings for me back. :smack:

So I reciprocate flirtation, but futilely. She doesn’t answer texts, doesn’t call back, and so on. I’m not thinking too clearly at this point, and wind up rationalizing her actions. Then I find out she’s started dating a mutual acquaintance. I’m understandably a little pissed, and decide that my self-respect is far more important than any off-chance that we might ever be a couple, so I back away as far as I can.

It works, and I calm down quickly. Self-respect salvaged. We manage to have perfectly civil interactions whenever our paths crossed. I get over this quickly and move on. Self-respect manages to rise above pre-meeting-her levels. I realize how she had been manipulating me, and decide to not get too close to her ever again. Did I mention I like having self-respect?

It all goes fine, until she calls me up one morning, right as I’m waking up, and asks if she could come over and sleep on the couch for a few hours. I say ‘sure’. Side note: I live with her best friend, and couldn’t think of any reason in my pre-caffeinated grogginess to tell her ‘no’.

A few minutes later, I’m making coffee in the kitchen and she comes in and asks me for a hug. I oblige, and she starts crying on my shoulder. More ‘what the fuck’ bells ringing. Being the confused, but possibly good-hearted individual I am, I ask her what’s wrong. She tells me her boyfriend slept with his ex the night before. I console her with a few words, but resolve that I’m not an available shoulder to cry on. Cold, I know, but she has tons of friends she can go to.

So lately she’s been trying to get back together with her ex. I want to shake some sense into her, but I realize it’s not my place. I have a history of being attracted to girls with issues, and thinking I can fix them, but I can’t let myself do this to myself ever again. I know better.

All the same, I feel like a jerk for wanting to toss aside a friendship just because she doesn’t feel the same way for me as I do/did for her. I feel like I’m overreacting.

I feel like a sucker for thinking that I can have any sort of close friendship with her, and denying that yes, I was being manipulated.

But worst of all, I feel like I’m being really unfair to women for thinking they’re all emotionally-unstable, needy manipulators, just because of my history with the ones I’ve been attracted to. Right about now, I really can’t help but think that women who have their shit together are anything but a myth.

Anyone needs me, I’ll be out drinking. :rolleyes:

29

Lots and lots, but without thinking real hard, I can’t come up with them. I just came out of Bankruptcy, and a lot of things internal and external seem to have completed themselves. I know I’m stressed, because my back only hurts like this when I’m stressed pretty hard. But at this moment, other than a distinct irritation with my job, I’m kind of feeling like I’m in mid-jump over a chasm. All is quiet and calm within and without, but it won’t be that way for long.

30

I’ve found that a large portion of the world revolves around fear. I’m trying my damnedest to NOT go from emotional struggle to emotional struggle. I’m not 100% successful.

31

I feel like I forego exciting opportunities to be responsible. When I finalized my back-to-school plans I started socking away funds to do a lot of travel before classes started. I built up a really good fund that would have allowed me to spend 3 or 4 months in Asia. I also quit my job early.

Once I realized how much work I have to do to make myself competitive against my non career switching classmates, I cancelled all my plans (but I’m a Vietnam travel expert). I’m spending the summer at recruiting conferences you have to apply to get into-more essays. I’m already doing the dreaded alumni networking. I brought my math skills up and finished a program that gives me a good overview of the first year subjects. I taught myself Excel. I’m currently resitting for my standardized exam because while I have a 90+ percentile overall score, my score is distributed at 99% verbal and 75% math and I have to get it up to at least 80 (it’s going better since I’ve taken Calculus and Stats after sitting the test). Oh, and I’ve already lost 17 lbs (another 15 to go…yay…) so I can get back into my nice business clothes.

I know these are all the right things to do (I know so, because my school-assigned career counselor loves me), but it’s a drag, it really is. I wish I could just take risks, but I’m incapable of taking ones that are bad ideas or I’ve calculated are only temporary distractions that will put me in a worse place. I wish I weren’t so competitive and achievement oriented and obsessive. Life is passing me by and I’m terrified I’m letting it in order to collect a dust heap.

32

I regret three things and think of them just about everyday. Two of them are girls. And the other was my piss-poor performance in wrestling my senior year of college. Other things like choosing English as a major in college bug me a little, but that I can deal with. These three though, in fact, any one of them could have been a dream come true. Instead they’re all just nightmares (and sometimes quite literally are).

I just wonder where was I during this time? Cause whoever was running the show then was most certainly not the real me. But still, it feels like a huge hole is in my heart with these three dreams that will never come true.

Anyone have any advice on dealing with regret?

33

[QUOTE=Sven of the Jungle]
But worst of all, I feel like I’m being really unfair to women for thinking they’re all emotionally-unstable, needy manipulators, just because of my history with the ones I’ve been attracted to. Right about now, I really can’t help but think that women who have their shit together are anything but a myth.
[/QUOTE]

We’re out there, Sven. Keep holding on. And good for you keeping up your boundaries.

34

I could babble for a few paragraphs, but the long and short of it is that there’s a guy I don’t know how I feel about. Mostly because I don’t know much about him, and I haven’t been able to spend much time getting to know him yet - so my hormones and my brain are taking opposite stances on how to feel…

35

I’m going through the same thing right now. I wish a person could drop out of responsible life for a while, do what you want, then get back into it. But with the job market so tight I don’t know if that is feasible.

Supposedly that is in part why the hippie lifestyle became so pervasive back in the 60s. Back then it might only take a day or two to find a job. So you could be a hippie for a few years and if you didn’t like it, go find a factory job within a week. Now if you drop out of the labor force you may never get back in.

I’d love to spend some time in southeast asia or latin america, or go camping across the US, or something. But if I quit my part time contract job where I am last hired/first fired who knows how long I’ll be out of the market. I’ve been unemployed and it is horrible on me mentally.

So you are drawn between trying to be somewhat responsible and secure while you realize you may be getting to old to do any of the stuff you want, vs being a free agent who is insecure. It sucks.

36

My OCD is getting the better of me lately. I just don’t seem to have the strength to do my behavioral and thought exercises. And without being able to talk myself down from a panic attack, they’ve been coming on… and I keep snapping at Mr. Serenata. It’s not his fault I’m OCD… but he does things that aren’t “just-so” and OCD brain takes over. It’s a struggle for both of us.

That and we’re trying to have kids. No luck. I know my plumbing down there doesn’t work the best and it’s not his fault… so I feel so damn guilty about it. We want kids… and I can’t seem to do it. We plan on adopting in the future, but we also want to have one of our own and I can’t seem to do it. Ugh.

37

I’ve been dating a man for a year and a half and I honest-to-God wanted to marry him someday and be old together.

This morning I logged into our computer and he hadn’t logged out (He’d tried but some error kept the PC from shutting down). On the screen was a gmail inbox I’d never heard of. He has had an alter-ego email address with which he gets naked pictures of girls and tells them how gorgeous they are and how hot they make him. He then sends them pictures of some guy he found off the internet and tells them that it’s him. It’s like this whole other life, but online.

He’s been using this email address for roughly three years. And has been using it as recently as yesterday. This is a man who told me that the reason our sex life was in a bit of a slump was because of his new blood pressure medication.

I confronted him and he admitted that he did it and says he has a “problem”. Hell yeah, he has a problem. I want to run him over with my car. So it would appear that he has TWO problems. He deleted the email address (I checked) and SAYS he deleted the social networking site accounts that he was using to find the women with too. But you know, how do I trust anything he says? Ever? EVER. I am beyond shattered. I have a terribly history of being a cheat and a liar in relationships and I was SO careful with this one. I spent a year and a half being SO good and not only avoiding scandal, but avoiding anything that could potentially look or become scandalous. I spent a year and a half being so scared that it didn’t matter how good I was because my past would eventually result in a karmic carpet bombing and now it’s here.

I would’ve trusted him with my life and now I feel like every “I’m so sorry” and “I love you” is a lie. So this is my current emotional struggle; I’m sitting here at work trying to figure out how the fuck to fix something that feels so irrepairably broken.

38

I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck.

39

I’ve dealt with anxiety all my life. It was definitely tough for me at his age, and still is. When you’re supposed to be a full-fledged adult male, and dealing with something that makes you feel like you’re ‘weak’. I don’t want to be presumptuous, because I’m not sure how crippling it is for him, but that’s how I felt/feel. I hope the medication helps. The thing that helps me the most is knowing I’m not alone, and your son isn’t either. I truly sympathize. Does he have a job? Go to school? Has he ever dated? I’ve had problems with those things at his age. I’m 29 and feel like I’m still getting over High School.

I am working on not being lazy, but I can’t ignore that being lazy is part of my problem. I can blame anxiety, depression and my learning problems on everything, but there has to be some personal responsibility taken. I really am lazy. But I am working on it. Thanks for noticing. :slight_smile:

Man, I stopped reading some of the posts on this thread. I feel for everyone who’s going through a lot of shit. I feel helpless. I feel guilty that I can’t even read some of the posts I start because I start getting depressed. I think there are a lot of people here stonger than me. I’m lucky I’ve had it so well for so long. I know a lot of you are nice people, and I’m mad that there’s no karmic justice.

40

SurrenderDorothy-I felt exactly like that after my Dad died last November. I can remember going over to a friend’s house to talk and thinking, “My Dad got cancer and died…do you really think I care about the political situation in your band right now?!?” It does get better though-just takes time. Peace and Love to ya.

As far as emotional struggle right now, I’ve been in a very ambiguous relationship off and on for the last five years…going to give complete honesty about my feelings the old college try this weekend! Probably not a big deal for some Dopers, but huge and terrifying for me!