That one started out as: “Fabricati Diem, Pvncti Agvnt Celeriter”. It was graven in stone, above the watch house. It means “Make the Day, the Moments Pass Quickly”. It was King Veltrick’s motto.
Time, and vandalism resulted in a truncating of the stone stela the motto was carved on, thus producing the shortened version you cite
Off the top of my head I can’t remember which book, but it’s about the Patrician’s demand that the wizards at Unseen University pay their taxes like everybody else, at a rate of two hundred dollars per capita. “If per capita was a problem, de capita could be arranged.”
And the wizard’s response was something about how another Patrician had tried that once; if the Patrician liked, he could come the the basement and see him.
“-ing!”
"Bad spelling can be lethal. For example, the greedy Seriph of Al-Ybi was once cursed by a badly educated deity and for some days everything he touched turned to Glod, which happened to be the name of a small dwarf from a mountain community hundreds of miles away who found himself magically dragged to the kingdom and relentlessly duplicated. Some two thousand Glods later the spell wore off. These days, the people of Al-Ybi are renowned for being unusually short and bad-tempered. "
There was also something about a woman who could spin straw into Glod.
“The only things known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Weedle. He reasoned like this: you can’t have more than one king, and tradition demands that there is no gap between kings, so when a king dies the succession must therefore pass to the heir instantaneously. Presumably, he said, there must be some elementary particles – kingons, or possibly queons – that do this job, but of course succession sometimes fails if, in mid-flight, they strike an anti-particle, or republicon. His ambitious plans to use his discovery to send messages, involving the careful torturing of a small king in order to modulate the signal, were never fully expanded because, at that point, the bar closed.” (M)
“The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that’s where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won’t do if they don’t know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight.” (E)
“Don’t meddle in the affairs of wizards, especially simian ones. They aren’t very subtle.”
From the first DW novel, The Colour of Magic (from memory, wording may be inexact): Rincewind on Twoflowers: “If chaos were lightning, he would be the man standing on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armor and shouting, ‘All gods are bastards!’”
Same novel:
RINCEWIND: I wasn’t thinking of it! [i.e., of abandoning Twoflowers at the first opportunity after the Patrician has just made him personally responsible for the tourist’s safety]
PATRICIAN (unnamed, could be Vetinari, could be his predecessor Snapcase): Really? Then, if I were you, I’d sue my face for slander.
Humans trying to discuss complex theories - love, justice, happiness etc - with a language designed as a means of telling other apes where the ripe fruit is.
The falling angel meets the rising ape.
Sausage inna bun!
And; I’m cutting me own throat at that price.
“Granny was only happy when she was angry. In fact, it seemed to Nanny, she was only Granny Weatherwax when she was angry.”
“Ankh-Morpork! Brawling city of a hundred thousand souls! And, as the Patrician privately observed, ten times that number of actual people.”
I get good use of that one, with the numbers and places modified as necessary.
From Going Postal:
ARCHCHANCELLOR RIDCULLY: Oh, please sue the University! We’ve got a pond full of people who tried to sue the University!
“When in doubt, choose to live!”
and
“Even if it’s not your fault, it’s your responsibility.”
are the two I live my life by.
“That sounded exactly like a cat trying to go to the lavatory through a sewn-up bum,” still makes me snigger audibly every time I read it.
Nah, couldn’t have been Snapcase. CMOT Dibbler was around in that book, with his career fairly well established, and I’m pretty sure that didn’t happen until Vetinari came along. Also, that’s much more of something that Vetinari would say.
Lobsang: And you will teach me everything?
Lu Tze: I don’t know about ‘everything.’ I mean, I don’t know much forensic mineralogy. But I will teach you all that I know which is useful for you to know, yes.
“I meant,” said Iplsore bitterly, “what is there in this world that makes living worthwhile?” Death thought about it. “CATS,” he said eventually, “CATS ARE NICE.”
Quoted from memory :
"Rincewind turned the corner and came face to face with Death.
It had to be Death. No-one else went around with empty eye sockets, and the scythe over one shoulder was another clue."
Carrot laughed. “You just said small delightful mining tool of a feminine nature!”
Cheery stared at Angua, who returned the stare blankly while mumbling, “Well, dwarfish is difficult if you haven’t eaten gravel all your life…”
It took me several re-reads to get all of the humor in this- somehow I missed the gender joke.
Missed the edit window while typing the edits: I meant to say that was my current favorite.
But my favorite, favorite, is probably, “A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.”
And my favorite longer quote is:
“‘You Say To People “Throw Off Your Chains” And They Make New Chains For Themselves?’
‘Seems to be a major human activity, yes.’
Dorfl rumbled as he thought about this. ‘Yes,’ he said eventually. ‘I Can See Why. Freedom Is Like Having The Top Of Your Head Opened Up.’
‘I’ll have to take your word for that, Constable.’”
That one’s my favourite.