“Oh, sweet gherkins - once noble cucumbers, stewed in your own juices into a tasty shadow of your former selves… I beseech you, free yourselves!”
[ul]
[li]Veronica cannot open the pickles.[/li][li]Archie cannot open the pickles for Veronica; drops jar, it rolls away.[/li][li]Reggie steals jar of pickles; runs headfirst into Midge whilst fleeing.[/li][li]Moose Mason sees Reggie “WITH MUH GURL!!!” Fire in his eyes, he destroys Reggie. Pickles fall out window.[/li][li]Pickles land in Betty’s lap, she opens the jar easily.[/li][li]While Betty, Veronica & Archie argue over who owns the pickles, & Mr. Lodge weeps with futile rage over the damage Moose is doing to his house by slamming Reggie through the walls, Jughead eats the pickles.[/li][/ul]
Daredevil would give up after opening a jar of mayonnaise, relish, jam, honey, olives, tomato sauce, sauerkraut, etc…
Carrot would give the pickle jar a long speech on how it is immoral to be so tightly closed by the end of which the pickle jar will be so bored it’ll open itself.
Mr. Know-It-All would try several methods, all backfiring on him, until Rocky points out he had a jar of jelly instead. Mr. Know-It-All will then say, “Well, no wonder I couldn’t open it – it was jammed.”
This, BTW, is not just speculation; it is documented fact. 
Star Trek:
Kirk: Dammit Scotty! We need more power for the jar-opener!
Scotty: But Captain! The engines are on overload! We canno’ give you more power!
Kirk: Bones? Any suggestions?
McCoy: No, Jim. I’m a doctor, not a jar-opener!
Spock: Your urgent need to open the jar of pickles seems illogical to me. They are, after all, not vlasic classic dills. But, nevertheless, allow me to perform the Vulcan “inanimate object” - meld.
(Spock gingerly touches the edges of the pickle jar)
Spock: Must…open…jar…must…open…jar…must…open…jar…
(Lid pops off)
Uhura: Incoming subspace transmission…the jar has succesfully opened.
Kirk: Tell us something we don’t know Uhura.
Uhura: But it’s my only line in this episode!
Rimmer would fail and then decide that if he had only opened the jar then he would have been an admiral.
The Cat would fail and walk away with style saying “I didn’t want the pickles anyway”
Holly would attempt to create a futuristic machine to open the jar and instead create a wormhole to another reality where all pickle jars are always open.
Lister would get the skutters to do it.
Nodwick could only open the jar if his group told him to loot the pickles.
Booster Gold would make a deal with the pickle company to endorse the product then valiently save the jar of pickles from a terrorist attack to prove that he really is a hero.
Firestorm would turn the lid into oxygen.
Zatanna would say “elkcip raj nepo”
Ash (of Pokémon fame): Bulbasaur, vine whip!
John Stewart of the animated Justice League would surround the jar with his ring’s energy, then slam it onto a table. That is if Hawkgirl hadn’t used her mace on it already.
Hal Jordan would be initially stymed by the yellow jar top, but he would eventually coat it in mayonaise so he could turn it.
Spectre would hunt down those who imprisioned the pickles in the jar and jar them in turn.
Alan Scott would get Jade to do it after tightening the jar and making her put on a string bikini. Wait, that’s me.
Now we know the real purpose of Grendel’s fork! Should placing the lid between the tines fail to open the jar, the fork would be jammed into the jar, skewering the pickles prior to turning on the fork’s electricity and lighting them.
1940s era Wonder Woman - uses her “superior feminine instincts” to convince the jar of pickles that being closed is the wrong way to thinking, and thus the jar of pickles to open itself.
1950s era Wonder Woman - gets Steve Trevor to open it for her.
1960s “Modern hippie Wonder Woman” - consults her guru I-Ching, who dispenses ridiculously stereotyped “wise old Chinese Sage” adages in place of helpful advice.
1970s “New, Original Wonder Woman” - simply opens the jar with one swift twist, because She is Woman, Hear Her Roar, She is Strong, She is INVINCIBLE!"
1980s George Perez revamp Wonder Woman - sees the unopened jar of pickles as a metaphor for the frustrations of all mankind struggling against inhumanity and sheds tears of rage while crying out to the Gods for answers to the unanswerable questions about life.
1990s John Byrne revamp Wonder Woman - Just does whatever Superman does, because she’s nothing more than his female counterpart in a bathing suit.
1940s Batman would solve a series of socialite murders by deducing that the killer achieved his murder spree by placing poisoned pickle jars in their pantries.
1950s Batman would be lured in a fiendish deathtrap inside an improbably tall three story pickle jar created by a fiendish new villain, the Pickler.
1960s Batman would, off-camera, be involved in wild swinging sexcapades with free love groupies in which pickle jars would play roughly the same role as President Clinton’s humidor did in the Lewinsky scandal three decades later.
1970s Batman would be confronted with a “relevant” story in which the pickle jar would be a metaphor for the ecology, noise pollution, overpopulation and racism.
1980s Batman would engage in a climatic battle with the pickle jar before rigging the cap with thermite explosives and then laying waste to the corrupt scietal forces that allowed the pickle jar to rise to power in the first place.
1990s Batman would secretly design protocols that would force open the lid of the pickle jar if it ever went rogue.
2000s Batman would tackle the problem of whatever the name of this decade is supposed to be and THEN deal with the pickle jar. Priorities, people.
Gene Simmons would open the jar by wrapping his tongue around the lid and twisting it off. Then he would spear a pickle with the end of his tongue and roll it back up into his mouth.
Ozzy Osbourne would struggle mightily, fumble around the kitchen looking for the electric jar opener that Kelly had bought, but not be able to find it because it’s in Jack’s bedroom, after being turned into a bong. Then of course, he would call out: SHARON!!!
Ted Nugent would shoot it with one of his 6,358,516 compound bows and eat the resulting speared pickle off the arrow shaft.
Mick Jagger & Steven Tyler would both use their huge mouths to hold the pickle jar top while they opened them. Keith Richards is already “pickled.”
Tommy Lee would do the exact same thing as Gene Simmons except not with his tongue. :eek:
(Rikudo Koshi in a kitchen, dressed as a chef, painstakingly decorating a cake.)
Voiceover: I, Rikudo Koshi, give my permission to turn Excel Saga into a cooking show.
…don’t have the energy to do a full parody right now, but the gist of my idea is that Excel and Hyatt join a cooking show as part of Ilpalazzo’s latest attempt to take over F city. While Excel destroys the set trying to chase down Menchi, the emergency food supply, Hyatt dies repeately puzzling over how to get the secret ingredient, pickles, out of its jar.
Meanwhile, in a seemingly unrelated plotline, Nabeshin is chased by mysterious men in suits and fights them off by random objects pulled out of his afro, including the (same) jar of pickles, which defeats the enemies by distracting them while they try to open it, without success.
Meanwhile, again, Pedro, the down on his luck immigrant worker with a sexy wife and cute kid, flees in abject terror from the Great Will of Universe, who only wants him for his body. He fails when he trips on the (same) jar of pickles, letting out a plaintive “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~~~!” for all the world to see.
Back at the (now completely trashed) studio, Excel and Hyatt are finally kicked out for their actions. Down the hall, the Department of Security members are trying to sneak into the studio per Kabapu’s orders, but are spoiled comically by the departing Excel, Hyatt, and (same) jar of pickles.
The (same) jar of pickles then has a dramatic confrontation with Ilpalazzo, but he simply drops it down the Pit of Doom.
Today’s experiment…FAILED.
You wanted to know why you’re awesome, dotchan? That’s why.
From the Whedonverse:
Giles would have to consult his books.
Faith. Want Take Have.
Angel would brood about .
Xander would think about sex while opening it.
Willow would use a spell , but it wouldn’t work and turn the pickles into rabbits and freak out Anya.
Mayor Richard Wilkins would careflly wipe the jar with handi-wipes first. Germs . Yeech.
Cordelia would get a painful vision about it.
Dawn would scream at the jar. “GET OUT , GET OUT GET OUT!!”
My first SMDB groupie. Should I be flattered or worried?
(But I still can’t figure out which awesome thing you’re worshipping me for in the other thread. Is it my knowledge of random video game trivia that happened to be useful? And my mom said that it was a waste of my life. 
)