A couple of days ago, I’m on the 240 loop commuting to work. it’s raining, as it has been for several weeks in Memphis, and I’m passed by a white Ford F-250 Super Duty truck loaded down with what appears to be contracting equipment (ladders, a generator, random but important looking metal containers). As the truck approached from behind, I couldn’t help but notice in my rearview mirror that the driver of the truck, a large, middle aged looking man, is talking on a cellphone. This would not be considered unusual or even alarming at this point in my jaded communiting career, except for the fact that he has a ledger-sized sheet of paper on his steering wheel totally blocking his vision! Motherfucker passed me and I was doing 70 MPH while talking on the cellphone and reading something!
I shrugged the experience off as one of the many, many stupid and dangerous things I see in the course of my day to day life. See, I’m trying to chill out the road rage stuff so as to keep the stress hormones in check and extend the old life a little bit. Drive and let drive, eh? Identify the crazies at long range and take steps to avoid them.
This morning, I’m doing 70 on the loop again, and lo and behold, here comes Mr. Faith Based Driver barreling along in his Bradley Fighting Vehicle-sized white juggernaut of construction destruction, on the freakin’ cell phone again with his reading material resolutely installed in his line of vision. This time, the motherfucker cut me off!
Now, you could just report what that oblivious driver is doing, but would that inspire the kind of swift, terrible justice that this miscreant deserves?
Someone in another thread said that they called 911 on a speeder, and reported the driver as weaving all over the road. What happened in that particular case was the cops very quickly pulled the guy over and had him out touching his nose.
What I really wanted to do was crawl up on the hood of his car like the fucking liquid Terminator, pop out his eyeballs and skull fuck him with his cellphone. If I weren’t so spiritually transcended, that’s exactly what I would do.
Once on my morning walk to work I noticed someone driving and putting on a necktie at the same time. Not slipping a pre-knotted tie over his head: he was using both hands to tie the knot while his car sailed serenely down the road. Then I noticed another guy two or three cars back doing the exact same thing. Since then, very little about what stupid drivers do behind the wheel has surprised me.
When we were teenagers, my sister used to put on her makeup while driving with her knees. Usually while yelling at me to put on my seatbelt because to not to was “dangerous”.
There is such thing as “knee driving,” wherein you force the portion of your upper leg near your left knee up against the bottom edge of the steering wheel to guide the car, while attempting to use both hands to accomplish another task…
works remarkably well, but recommended mostly for straightaways and slight curves, NOT lane changes or full-on turns!
But of course it’s inadvisable, not to mention illegal, and any number of things could go seriously, seriously wrong. And it doesn’t work too well when you’re already driving with your left foot because your entire right leg is draped over to the passenger side to get the cast on your broken right foot out of the way so your left foot has room to manuever the pedals… (#&%(# cast!!! @#(&&%(*&% broken foot!!!
I occasionally see people on the Interstate rolling along with books propped open on their steering wheels. I don’t see them often, mainly because I stay the fuck off the Interstate whenever possible; I’d rather take a back road and get stuck behind Farmer Buford on his tractor going 15 miles an hour and maybe be a little late than endure an 80 mph Chevy enema from some shitwit who simply couldn’t put the latest Danielle Steele down long enough to drive the damn car. Besides, if the roads are bad and I slide into a ditch, Farmer Buford will stop and pull me out. And I can see the squirrels, and they’re merry.