Your lack of basic arithmetic skills is not my fucking problem.

The BBQ Pit
1

me: Thanks for calling Gobbledygook Systems, this is sturmhauke, what can I do for you?

innumerate asshead: Yeah, I’ve been overcharged for your service. See, I ordered a year plan, but I had the wrong hardware so I cancelled. Then later I ordered a 3-month plan. But I’m looking at my credit card statement and I noticed that you overcharged me.

me: Ok, what are the charges exactly?

asshead: See, it says under Transactions that you charged me $82 on 12-7, then you charged me $31 on 12-21. Under Credits it says you refunded me $72 and $10 on 12-10. So it doesn’t add up, you still owe me (I don’t even remember what stupid number he came up with, so let’s call it -$42.)

me (after briefly running the numbers in my head): Uh, I don’t see where the problem is. You paid for a year service plus activation on the 7th, then you called us to cancel and we refunded you both on the 10th, except in two pieces instead of one, that’s just the way the system works. Then on the 21st you ordered 3 months service. It all adds up.

asshead: No, let me explain again. Blah blah Transactions blah blah Credits blah blah doesn’t add up blah blah so you guys owe me -$42.

me (getting somewhat annoyed): Ok, see look at it this way: You paid us $82, that’s on the Transaction list. We paid you back $82, except in 2 pieces so it shows as $72 and $10 on the Credit list, right? Then you paid us $31. So it’s all the way it should be.

asshead (still calm and undeterred, not unlike a cow chewing cud): No, you don’t understand. Blah blah blah -$42.

me (seriously irritated, attempting to modulate voice): Look at your statement again. You paid us, we paid you back in full. You paid us again because you wanted to have the service again. I don’t understand where you are getting this -$42 from. It’s all right there on your own statement.

bovine asshead: moo -$42.

me (pressing mute): Jesus fucking christ, did you flunk 3rd grade or what? Learn how to add you stupid fuckhead! (Unmute) I’m sorry, that just doesn’t add up. You have the numbers right there, I still don’t see what the problem is.

cow: Mmmooooo.

me (suppressing anyeurism, cursing some more on mute, collecting self): You paid us, you said you didn’t want it so we paid everything back. You wanted it again, you paid us again. It’s all right in front of you.

Cow King: Moo. Moo moo moo. Moo moo moo moo, moo moo moo moo.

me (collapsing in a weary heap): Ok, let me see what I can do for you, can you hold please while I look into this?

BSE victim: Ok, thank you.

So I got the boss and explained about how this guy couldn’t add and he wouldn’t go away, and bossman finished the call. I forgot to ask what the end result was, but I was just happy to be rid of the fucker.

I need a new job. One far, far away from phones, for that is where random assholes can spew their crap at me.

2

Wonderful OP. Though I somehow feel a bit empty still. I think you owe me 42 more moooo’s!

3

heh.

heh heh.

heheheheheheh.

Thanks :slight_smile:

4

Yeah, the moos are funny. I’m going to have to remember that one.

5

Great rant. Reminds me of the days when I used to deal with assholes on the phone. Now I get to deal with them in person.

6

Looking in the mirror?

7

Yes, that was cheap, but it was a perfect straight line. :smiley:

8

A decent rant, fine and true. I laughed 'til the cows came home.

Sort of reminds me of an incident that happened when I was a bank teller. A woman presented 3 checks for $73, $80, and $91. To the best of my calculations, that adds up to $244. They were all out-of-state checks. Two of them were made out to payees that were not her, and they were not signed over to her. Her deposit slip added them up to be $288, of which she wanted to deposit $40 and get back $300. She had only $10 in her account to cover the payout.

I had just barely begun to explain the many, many things that were so incredibly wrong with her transaction, when she exclaimed “It’s because I’m black, isn’t it? I should have known better than to go to a racist teller!” Yeah, lady. Because if you were white, I’d have let the atrocious math slide.

9

You should have just told the customer to stop playing Diablo 2 while he’s on the phone with you.

10

So, what did the bossman do? Did you ever find out?

11

I’m learning that while I may be on occasion be a friendly guy, dealing with too many people makes me insane. If I had your job I would probably be contemplating ways to drive them insane, such as TPing their houses. Yeah, that’ll drive 'em batty! In New Hampshire! Yeeeaaaarrrhhh!!!

12

Great rant.

Similar thing happened to me once (but my supervisors wouldn’t take the call ! bastards) but I won’t relate the story because it won’t be nearly as entertaining as yours.

Moo.

13

Bossman somehow managed to explain the math to Mr. Swiss Cheese Brain in terms that wouldn’t fall out of the air bubbles. I guess it’s all in the delivery, as his strategy wasn’t substantially different from mine.