This one is about two months overdue. But for legal reasons, I was told I shouldn’t talk about the accident.
On May 30th of this year, as I was waiting at a red light, a person who was not even looking in the direction their vehicle was facing plowed into my car at, I’m guessing, 40 miles per hour. Didn’t even slow down. Didn’t swerve until they were already 3 feet away from the trunk of my car.
Thanks to the wonders of modern automobile manufacturing, my air bag did not deploy, as it was a rear-end collision. So, I have a nice scar on my forehead that will never go away. My car, which I spent 17,000 dollars on over the past six years or so, only just recently acquired the title to, was completely totaled.
So, I’m expecting some asshole drunk driver to stumble out of their vehicle. Or perhaps someone who has a grudge against the 04 Chevy Malibu. I understand their pain, having owned a Chevy Malibu and being stunned that it began falling apart literally the week I bought it, the sun visor snapping the fuck off in my hand. I’m not some insane steroid-taking bodybuilder athlete. The only part of my body that I’m building is the fat content on my lazy gut. But the freaking thing snapped off in my hands while I’m adjusting it, normally. And it was more money than it was worth to repair it, so I drove the next several years without a sun visor. But I digress. Chevy Malibus are a piece of shit on wheels. But it was MY P.O.S. on wheels, dammit.
So I want to know why the hell I have to take a trip to the hospital with the only vein visible on my forehead being severed, and bleeding down my face, and seeing 17,000 dollars worth of vehicle get totaled. And I see my car has hit the car in front of me too, and that vehicle needs extensive repairs now. And I see the prick’s vehicle, and his is definitely totaled as well. Very nice vehicle, all smashed to fuck.
Asshole is uninjured of course, because his airbag deployed.
Anyway, as I’m preparing to leave for the hospital, I see that this guy is definitely not intoxicated in any way. So the cause of the accident was, obviously, Not Paying Fucking Attention. Appears to be dressed in very nice clothes. Still furiously texting on his goddamn phone. What conclusion should I draw? Most people who are driving down a very long, very straight road at night, and are coming up on a red light, are looking in the forward direction, but something obviously held this guy’s attention and I wonder what the hell it could possibly be.
Now, I wasn’t there in the car with him. I very nearly was, considering his vehicle was an SUV and went halfway the fuck through my vehicle. But I’m going to take a wild guess. You were texting while you were driving, weren’t you, fuckface?
So thank you very much for sending that text to whomever. I’m sure it was really goddamned important.
“Meet u l8tr. Hook me up wit dat reefer. LOL Smiley face WTFBBQ Holy shit I’m gonna hit dis car”
I’m so glad that your conversation with whoever was so important that you couldn’t be bothered to frigging call them so you can direct your eyes to the road. I know that your text was much more important than your life and the lives of several other people. I know, for a fact, that if you didn’t send that text right fucking then, there would have been another 9/11. Fifty thousand dollars worth of automobile replacements, hospital visits, legal fees, and you could have killed someone, that’s all a small price to pay for you to have the privilege of telling someone the most important thing they ever heard, which is some combination of LOL, wat up homes, yo text me back, smiley face, what you doing right now.
This shit is really goddamned important. Or am I being too critical? What is it that you could possibly be texting that is of any consequence?
Nobody died. That would have been a phone call. You didn’t just get a promotion. That would have been a phone call. You didn’t just win the lottery. You didn’t discover cancer using the research lab you have in the backseat of your car, so what the hell could possibly be so important it couldn’t warrant waiting until you got home? Until your vehicle was actually stopped at that same red light, 15 seconds later? Until you reached your fucking index finger all the way over to the fucking call button so you could call that person and WATCH WHERE THE FUCK YOU WERE GOING??
I hope you continue texting and driving, and just as you are finished typing “Yo wat up g” your vehicle hits a telephone pole and you go straight through the windshield, and they never find all the pieces of your shattered skull. If I could get away with it, I would find a metal fragment that used to be part of my car, and I would carve my name on your fucking forehead, so deep, that no amount of surgeries will ever repair the damage. Then, I’m going to take your phone, type the words “fuck you”, and shove it up your ass.