No way.
It took me three years into our marriage before I could tell it to Lucretia.
Hell no. You folks are never gonna hear this one, because I still want to fall into the center of the Earth every time I think about it.
God DAMN.
Bluesman!!!
That’s just cruel!
It was SO bad, that whenever I think about it, I like to imagine that the people that were there (mostly sympathetic, definitely NOT LAUGHING AT ME), have all died, and my humiliation will remain secret forever.
Ain’t that AWFUL? 
Dammit, man, spill it!
Mine was back when I was working as a bank teller for the summer. At one branch where I worked we had a change rolling machine in the back room and I was rolling up some change that someone had brought in. (Yes I’m old enough to have worked at a bank when they still did that.) Anyway, I leaned over to get a better look at what I was doing and didn’t notice that my hair was getting rolled up in the mechanism as well. It was very long at the time, so it got good and stuck in there.
Well, screaming in a bank is not a good idea, and at least I had the presence of mind not to. After a minute or so I managed to attract the attention of one of the other tellers with frantic whispering and we got me untangled without leaving too much hair behind. I had a funny little tuft at the back of my neck for a long time, though.
I have this habit of shaking an orange juice bottle before opening it as most people probably do. This one time after shaking and opening the bottle and taking a drink, I set the cap back on without screwing it tight. Then before my next big swig, absent-mindedly, I grabbed the bottle and shook it – hard. I ended up with orange juice practically from head to toe, dripping off my glasses, in my hair, ugh! My office mate practically choked to death from laughing so hard.
I was working the adult reference desk in a suburban public library. A mother came with her daughter and needed some children’s books. So I walked the two of them over. While I was walking over, I ripped out quite a stinker. The little girl (about 5-6) held her nose and waved her hand in front of her face as she was unfortunately directly in the line of fire.
Her mother looked shocked also, but mainly over the way her daughter asked. I finished my assistance to them by saying, “Umm, look over there.”
I was sitting at my desk when the urge to purge came on fairly strong. I normally avoid the work poop if at all possible, but there was no way this puppy was stayin in the cave for the rest of the day. I go to the bathroom, put all the protective gear in it’s proper place, and sit down to do the deed.
To my utter horror, I look down to see that my unit was pointing straight out and that I had urinated all down the back of my pants.
I snuck out of the office without anyone seeing me, thank god, and drove home (I only lived about 5 minutes from work at the time). I took a shower, changed my pants, and drove back to work. Surprisingly, no one even noticed I was gone.
FM
I originally posted this on the day it happened, just over a year ago. I still cannot look the maintainence guy who cleaned it up in the face.
"I was at work today (my NEW job…I’ve only been there TWO DAYS) and I…ahem used the restroom. (read: number 2. And I had chili last night. Yikes)
I flushed, then all of a sudden (and I mean FAST) the toilet starts filling up. I open the door and try to run out fast so no one sees me, and someone else is coming in (a girl who works in manufacturing). As I meet her face to face in the doorway, the toilet OVERFLOWS, and I mean with force. I had to run out the door so it wouldn’t go on my shoes!
So I want to just die, and she steps out of the bathroom and hollers ACROSS the manufacturing floor (while I’m standing right there, probobly looking like I wanted to die)“Joe! Hurry! There’s a flood in the ladies room!”
I slunk away and hid for a few hours. When I came out the bathroom was cleaned up and the door was standing open (to dry the floor, I guess.) The only thing that keeps me going is that MAYBE they didn’t tell everyone in the place that the new girl took a dump and overflowed the toilet. (Yeah, right- as if they didn’t tell)
Later I had to pass the guy in the hall and act like nothing happened. I just wanted to crawl in a hole.
Zette
Why, oh WHY couldn’t it have just been pee???WHYYYYYYY?
All day I kept thinking of the restaurant scene in “Deuce Bigalo, Male Gigalo” where the manager says “We got a problem in the ladies room- there’s shit everywhere!”
Zette, I still say that was one of the funniest chat moments ever. 
The story I thought I’d never tell anyone:
I had a huge boil on my butt that would not burst. The Big Boss calls me into his office one hot summer’s day, I sit down on the vinyl chair and burst! Blood and pus goes through my beige linen pants and onto the vinyl chair. I am literally stuck there, going over things with him and too embarassed to point out my predicament.
A half hour later, we’re finished. I take a Kleenex from his desk, wipe my face, stand up, sit down, say “It’s hot in here” and wipe off the chair. Then I edge into the nearest bathroom, take off my pants, rinse them, put them back on, go back to my chair and sit for two hours while they dry. To this day, I’ve convinced myself that nobody noticed.
Bluesman, if you don’t tell the tale, I’m gonna change your name to Blueballs! 
aw, what the hell!
during my college years, i was working in a nevada casino as a waiter in a nightclub that served dinner between 3pm and 10pm. since it was not a real resturant, the kitchen was WAY far away. anyway, one night i was cruising down a long hallway with a plate of nachos when i spyed a lone chip way off by itself. i grabbed it and chowed it down. at the end of the LONG hallway was swinging doors that led into the resturant area. i hit the doors and at that same moment, noticed the long string of cheese stretching from the customers plate to the corner of my mouth!
runner up:
sexy fed ex lady drops some boxes off where i work. she tells me that they are sticky from maple syrup that was spilled in the back of her truck. i say “i dont want to touch them and get it on my hands”, so she replies “well, then lick them clean”. i honestly thought she had left the building when i joked to my co-worker, " she just invited me to lick her syrupy box!".
she was right behind me.
I work with an eeditorial group and our staff meetings always end up being amusing and fairly raucous. (also, sometimes the word “glossalalia” is used).
This one week, we were discussing some editorial descision – I really don’t remember what. I think it had to do with the Pearl harbor movie, actually. Some people were pro, some were con. My one coworker said “well, if we DON’T do it, we’re going to look like…” and trailed off.
“Pussies!” I helpfully added, bringing all conversation at the table to an abrupt halt.
Amazingly, I did not actually die of embarassment.
He was more embarrassed than I was, but walking into my boss’s office just as he was scratching his balls was a bit uncomfortable.
That, and the time I (thought I) put an annoying client on hold, bitched about what a moron he was and then realised I’d actually put him on speakerphone :o
Fortunately (for me!) he was a hard-of-hearing moron …
I was working the phones at Pizza Hut and had a hell of a head cold. I had just finished clearing my throat and was taking a drink when the phone rings. “I’ll get that soon as I finish swallowing” I yell… shit had to pick up one of my male co-workers off of the floor…
It was right after Clinton was elected president and I was installing cabinets with a guy named Fred Olsen. We were talking about Bush’s term as president, and I said something about how I thought it was hilarious that he’d vomited on the prime minister of Japan. Fred is about 5’5", light complexion, stocky (huge and muscular), dark curly hair and broad features. With a last name like Olsen, I figure his father is of scandinavian origin and with his build and features, I figure he might have some Mediterranean or polynesian ancestors. He seemed mildly put off by the remark and I make a mental note that he might be a republican.
After work we’re heading back to the shop and Fred says he has to stop by his parent’s house. His father is a silver-haired giant with a pale, ruddy complexion. His mother is a petite, soft-spoken, gracious and charming woman from Okinawa.
After we finish our tea by Yoko’s koi pond, we get in the truck and head for the shop. I say:
“Fred, I’m really sorry about that remark about Bush’s vomiting. I didn’t mean”…
Fred cuts me off with “You thought I was mexican, right?”
A woman at my workplace has an annoying habit – jumps in at the end of a long e-mail exchange, obviously just skimming, with answers that either are tangential to the issue at hand or contradict a decision the rest of us agreed on halfway through the exchange. (She also tends to show up 20 minutes late for meeting, apologizes for being late, and says, “Would you bring me up to speed?”. I’ve been known to say, “No, sorry, but you can call me after the meeting.” But most people are too polite, so they’ll waste our time recapping.)
Anyway, here’s my e-mail embarrassment: She did her thing again to a long e-mail exchange, requesting something that would have caused more work for my department, and that I thought was a stupid request. I hit reply, meaning to fill in three names of folks I knew were also frustrated by her e-mailing style, typed in “I intend to ignore this latecomer, how about you?” and, yep, you guessed it, sent it back to only her.
Of course, I apologized right away. She was a good sport about it, which improved my opinion of her quite a bit.
That was a year ago, and I still feel crummy about my mistake.
This happened last year when I was working at a preschool, in the afternoon. The afternoon staff had to do something called “Music and Movement” which meant dancing to music, or playing musical chairs, or something like that. It was stuffy, so I had the door to the outside open. The classroom was connected to the other pre-k room by a door in the corner- the rooms also shared a porch and steps out to the playground.
So I had a tape on, it was one the kids really liked where it’s kinda like a guided visualization, we’re all pretending that we’re astronauts and we went on a spaceship and we’re exploring space. I’m standing at the front of the class, and the tape just told us to pretend that we’re floating in space outside the ship…I’m standing there with my arms and legs out, pretending to drift through space…I look up, and see my husband standing in the open door! I was SO EMBARASSED! He had stopped by for some reason, and had gone through the other classroom to get outside because that’s where he thought I was. He laughed at me and said I was “so cute” especially because I blushed like crazy. He still teases me about “floating through space” every once in a while.
Oh my bernse tell us the whole story. :eek: