A senior executive came by cubicle earlier this morning in search of someone today. Before asking for help, he greeted me as “young lady”–an affectation that is grating if only because it’s unnecessary given that my name is hardly a secret to him.
He often calls me this and I’ve never made a stink about it, but the annoyance factor is growing. Regardless of his intentions, it feels like a power play: a way of asserting dominance over someone else preemptively. To me, “young lady” is not what you say when you want to communicate professional respect. It’s what you say to teenagers when you want to remind them of your superior status before you start lecturing them or ordering them around.
Am I alone in this opinion? It would be one thing if I were an intern or fresh graduate or something–even though it still would be inappropriate. But I’m 36 with gray hair sprouting from my temples and I’m pretty senior in the organization. He’s an older guy (but not ancient), so I’m sure he thinks he’s being inoffensive because of our age difference. But I would expect an executive to know better regardless of his/her age or cultural habits.
I think what’s really irking me about this is that it implies (to my ear) that he sees me as just a pipsqueak nobody, despite my credentials, accomplishments, and reputation as a technical expert. Yes, this is my own insecurity talking, but I can’t imagine acting in a paternalistic fashion towards someone who I perceive as skilled and knowledgable even if they were significantly younger than me.
Do senior ranked people in your workplace routinely go around calling people “young lady”? Would you find such a thing offensive/bothersome or would you shrug it off as “just one of those things”?
I’d be offended. It seems very patronizing. If I were you I would call him on it sometime when no one is around; I’d just say “I would appreciate it if you used my name as ‘young lady’ is something my mother used to say when she was mad at me.” I bet he thinks he’s complementing you since some men seem to think all women have a burning desire to look younger than they are.
He really doesn’t *quite *remember your name. (Hey, he has lots and lots of people he encounters on a daily basis. He can’t be expected to remember everyone’s name all the time.)
He’s trying to be *slightly *ironically humorous and missing the mark by a wide margin. (He knows it could be taken as patronizing, and he can see you aren’t exactly young, but he’s playing off the artificiality of the whole boss/worker dynamic. He’s only human, after all. Have you ever seen “The Office”?)
The next time he addresses you as “young lady”, just respond with, “Yes, old man?”
It would bother me for all the reasons you mentioned.
If he was just another coworker, I’d tell you to start calling him “young man” with a raised eyebrow. Since you are not professional equals, though, I don’t know what you can do other than wait for his old-fashioned ass to retire.
Still, you are not wrong for being pissed off. And fuck anyone who tries to tell you you’re being overly sensitive.
Do you think he maybe having a senior moment, and is simply buying some time until he can remember it?
If you’re convinced he knows your name, might ask him in a light-hearted way as possible, if he knows your name or does he sometimes forget it? Kindly ask him if he’ll refer to you by your name, and that you know he doesn’t mean anything by it, but that you actually don’t like the term “young lady.”
Not an office environment of course, buy I used to address my ex-gf with that fairly regularly when addressing her, and she loved it. She was seven years older than me.
I don’t think I’ve heard that around the office. Being called that once or twice I could overlook, but if it was often, I’d get annoyed, though I don’t know what I’d do. Does he call other people “young lady” or “young man” or other things like that?
That could backfire, either by insulting him more than you’d want to do to a senior executive, or making him think that “young lady” and “old man” are their good-natured nicknames for each other.
I’ve never heard him call anyone else in the office that, but that may not mean much. He regularly seeks information from a female colleague who is similar to me in age, and I can’t recall him ever call him her young lady.
He knows my name. In fact, right before he stopped by this morning, I overheard him say my name to a coworker. So he’s not reaching for “young lady” because he’s oh-so-busy-that-you-can’t-expect-him-to-keep-up-with-everyone’s-name.
“Mr. So-and-so, I am flattered that you pay homage to my family’s illustrous past, but we were stripped of our peerage during the English Civil War. Please feel free to address me by my common name.”
I pick up the same implication. It’s the verbal equivalent of a pat on the head. I use “young lady” sometimes when talking with my 7 year old son’s female playmates, but I wouldn’t use that phrase on even a girl in middle school.
This sounds like a good thing to try. He might listen and start using your name. Or he might say he likes calling you young lady, in which case you could say something about how you like being called by your actual name. But you could still say that in a joking but still serious about it way.
I agree that ‘right back atcha’ probably isn’t the wisest course of action.
[QUOTE=Icarus]
He’s trying to be slightly ironically humorous and missing the mark by a wide margin. (He knows it could be taken as patronizing, and he can see you aren’t exactly young, but he’s playing off the artificiality of the whole boss/worker dynamic. He’s only human, after all. Have you ever seen “The Office”?)
[/QUOTE]
I was thinking sort of the same thing. Maybe he’s trying to be endearing or funny and failing and not being aware of it as opposed to being some kind of imperious ass (of course I don’t know the guy or his nature).
“Just call me Ms. face.” Delivered loud, but with no expression in your face or voice. If he says anything whatever other than to agree to do so, repeat it in exactly the same tone and volume, and with the same lack of expression.
Keep repeating it. Do not respond to anything else. Pay no attention to any apologies, do not change your volume or pitch, do not acknowledge any justifications - just repeat until he gets the picture. And don’t worry about what you will do if he doesn’t get the picture - keep repeating until he does.
Well,that is a problem. Yes,I agree with your take on it. No,I have no suggestion,tho you might ask your female co-workers if he calls any of them “young Lady”…
I think this is the best suggestion (or “Please call me …”) Say it pleasantly and matter-of-factly, without any accusatory tone.
I agree that “Young Lady” generally used by adults to minors when they’re being admonished, so it’s odd that he’s using it. See oxforddictionaries.com .
But he might just be making a mistake, or accidentally being sexist, or any number of other things, where a word to the wise would be all that would be required, so give him the benefit of the doubt, and the clue as above, and hope for the best.
My (wild) guess is he thinks you’re cute, and doesn’t realize he’s doing this. Men can do pretty silly things when they think someone is cute.
I’ve been called young lady at work. Only by patronising old fucks. (All male). It has pissed me off immeasurably, but on each occasion it’s been by someone in passing I won’t deal with again e.g building contractor, visiting executive, etc, so I’ve not been able to give much of a response other than an involuntarily bemused look.
These are all recent occasions; I’ll admit to previously tolerating this a lot more from colleagues when it wasn’t in passing but I was quite terribly shy in my early twenties and didn’t challenge much by way of sexism (which is what this term is).
I would vote for encouraging him to call you by your name, gently assuming the best to begin with, that he’s a delightful doofus trying to be funny, so reminding him as someone posted above ‘we’ve worked together long enough you can call me Name’ but if he still does it then sterner approach needed, senior or no.
I think it’s contextual. If a grandpa-figure calls you young lady then it’s as much about his age than yours.
If it’s a 40-something dude asserting paternalistic dominance, then your best bet is to not rock the boat and take it from the (allegorical) man. I would love to tell you to correct him in a heroic move of self-righteousness, but it won’t get you anywhere. Guys like that are not going to suddenly grow a conscious and see you as their equal.
I am a new poster and your Forum looks interesting.
I would find being called ‘Young Lady’ patronizing but would probably like to know his motives as to whether or not to give him a pass. He may be referring to the difference in ages.
However, whatever his reasons, he IS senior to you, so I would probably laugh and say, "Great compliment but I tried to be a a lady once and it lasted twenty minutes. So I think you’d better call me ‘your name’.
If he does it again, just immediately interject your name. If he continues, say that he must be having a ‘senior moment’ that blocks the memory of your name. All said with a sweet smile! You might pull that off without irritating him. Humor is often the best defence.
But you would have to play the last part by ear as to whether or not to ignore it or make more of an issue of it. You do have to pick your fights.
Wait till you get older when males AND females call you ‘Honey’ and ‘Sweetie’. I take it as a compliment that I am a sweet old lady. Little do they know. lol
I would quietly, almost under my breath, correct him with, “Woman. Young woman! When you call me ‘young lady’, I feel like I’m being scolded by a school teacher!” Big smile!
Actually, more likely, I would assume he’s a little older, perhaps has different manners and maybe is just trying to pay homage to the power and beauty of youth. Of which I am not just a shining example, but a breath of freaking sunshine in this office.