I agree - I mean I wasn’t there - so perhaps there were other clues that led the OP to think he was regarding you as a “pipsqueak nobody”.
My father tends to say things like this - including “young lady” - and while it embarrasses the hell out of me - and he is almost certainly in the “ancient” category - I have no doubt that when he uses the term “young lady” he almost always is using it with women who are not young in an attempt to flatter them. He would be horrified to learn that someone was offended by what he said.
Granted this isn’t the same thing, but it have waitresses calling me “sweetie” and crap I can’t remember some of the ones I got called in the south. In all cases I assumed they were trying to compliment me or connect at some level and wouldn’t ever imagine they were doing it for any reason that was mean.
Some people are unaware - just cause he is an executive doesn’t mean he has any special cultural knowledge. I get this is business and has insulted you. I think one of the suggestions about making a joke and asking him to call you (whatever you want to be called). Is what I would do. Of course you can go about it anyway you want and go the direct route.
It seems like the OP really believes he is doing this for some evil purpose. I didn’t really see anything else that was written that would allow someone to come to this conclusion - so perhaps she left out other things that made her think this. If it isn’t important for the OP to be liked - as mentioned in a response - then I guess any of the suggestions would work.
I’m curious as to why you would say this when nothing I’ve written demonizes the guy. I’ve simply explained why being addressed as “young lady” bothers me. Does this automatically imply to you that I think he’s acting maliciously?
He might be calling me “young lady” because he’s charmed by my nubile features or he might be calling me that because I remind of his daughter. Regardless of his intention (as I said in the OP), I find it disrespectful because of its connotations.
Usually when he addresses me this way, he’s about to tell me to do something. This is why I read more into it than just him being old fashioned. Like, if he saw me as someone other than a “young lady”, he wouldn’t feel as comfortable giving me orders.
I appreciate everyone’s advice in this thread, by the way.
I think the reason I thought that was that it appears to bother you so much and the reasons you gave as possibilities (other than age difference - which I wasn’t sure if you meant - because of the age difference you should suck it up and be subservient or because he is old and doesn’t know better).
Perhaps “evil” was a strong word. I simply meant you seemed to be assuming there wasn’t a good intent - like trying to flatter you. You say it doesn’t make a difference (“regardless of his intentions”), but in my mind it does. If his intention is to be nice to you - he isn’t intending to disrespect you. That doesn’t mean it is right or that you shouldn’t feel disrespected.
Like I said - I wasn’t there - and don’t have the knowledge you do (he doesn’t say it to others, he says it before he asks you to do something, …)
Good luck - I hope someone’s answer gives you an idea you can use to help fix this. No one should have to work in an environment where they feel uncomfortable. The longer you wait - I’m guessing the more difficult it will be to do - so I hope you can do it sooner than later.
You have received a lot of good advice, analyses, and opinions. IMHO you will have to decide how much it bothers you and if you need to just pick your battles in this case. If that is the worst thing he does… But, the longer you put off making a decision the more you will stew. Once you decide to either do something or ignore it, it will likely stop bothering you.
Also you will have to try to figure out from the various options you consider what all the repercussions are as to your job and your relationship with him in the future. That is why I suggested being natural, laughing, and making a joke while still getting your point across. And that probably depends upon how well/easily you relate now, except for the phrase to which you object.
People often do not see all the repercussions of their actions so it is good that you asked for opinions here. That’s my take on it anyhow. Good luck and please keep us posted. Pun intended.
I think a polite, cheerful, “Oh, please call me [name]” is probably the most appropriate approach.
We have a guy like that in our office. He came out of retirement to take this gig. Upon doing so, the hiring manager acquired for him a typewriter because he prefers that technology. He still has to do all his work on the PC though, so he uses the typewriter to type Postie Notes. I am not kidding or making that up.
So when he says patronizing, condescending shit to me, I turn it into a joke and call him Randy-saurus Rex. Because he’s a goddamn ancient dinosaur.
He’s not going to suddenly start treating women with respect and going to HR is just a waste of time. I might also consider, in the OP’s case, calling the dude “little boy” once or twice just to point out that belittling an adult professional is highly unprofessional.
He probably just thinks he is being charming by commenting on how youthful you appear. And since you haven’t rebuffed his comment he is thinking that it is OK to continue to do so. You should politely rebuff him by smiling and saying something like “I’m flattered but I’m just not that young any more Mr. Bigshot. Please call me so and so, my parents and friend do”.
I think the OP really needs to get a better handle on the executive’s intent, as well as how he treats others. It could be condescending and prickish, but maybe not. A friend’s father called just about everyone “young man” or “young lady” whether or not he knew their names, and no matter how old they were. He certainly didn’t mean anything offensive by it… in fact, just the opposite. He was trying to be friendly and courteous and charming in a weird sort of way. If they were indeed young (compared to him, at least), it kind of worked. If one was not young, I guess he thought it ironic.
I guess all I’m saying is I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion the guy is an ass or being insulting. Perhaps, but maybe not.
I’m curious, you with the face, if you’ve come to any decisions (or even leanings) about an approach thus far. I’ll admit from the peanut gallery that I’m fairly interested to see how he reacts when he is corrected, however he is corrected. I expect his only actual recourse is to address you the way you want (and deserve) to be addressed, but I wonder if he’ll seemed startled and apologetic, or haughty.
Good luck getting it resolved, however you go about it.
Very bad idea, IMO. It escalates things and is as unprofessional as what he is doing with her. Also, cute word games that have been suggested are poor ideas. Go to his office, close the door, be polite and professional and explain that while you appreciate the fact that he’s just trying to be friendly, you’re uncomfortable with it. I would do this on a Friday afternoon so he has the weekend to get over being miffed and to see that you’re not just being bitchy. If it continues after that, then it may have to become an HR problem.
I haven’t made any decisions so far, but I’m thinking I might gently tell him that I’m not young enough to be called young lady without feeling weird about it.
Or alternatively, since he usually pulls this stunt within shouting distance to other co-workers, I also might use a trusted colleague to indirectly correct him in a laughing-it-off kind of way. Sort of like this:
Executive: Good morning, young lady. I need you to pass a message on to John for me.
Me (yelling over to my cubicle neighbor): It looks like Bill here is under the impression that I’m actually young, isn’t that funny? He always calls me ‘young lady’. Hahaha! I haven’t been addressed as ‘young lady’ since elementary school.
hopefully some chuckles ensue over the cubicle wall
Me: Sure, Bill, I’ll tell John about that meeting as soon as he comes in. You betcha.
I worry about your alternative. If you come off as being too joke-y about it, he may think the whole thing is funny and continue (or do it even more). I think you can be friendly while still communicating clearly that you don’t want to be called that, along the lines of your first example.
Is this really a battle worth fighting? The way I see it, if you are going to get so very worked up about situations like this you are going to wear yourself out. Frankly, as far as I can tell, he is much higher and more powerful than you as well as many years older.
Working in a large corporate environment obviously entails being part of a hierarchy in which you are a subordinate; it seems you are uncomfortable with this fact. It seems to me that you are overly concerned about being treated as an equal when you are not an equal, or even close.
That’s how I see it, but I certainly could be missing something.
Seems to me like there’s a pretty significant distinction between an expectation of being treated as an equal, and an expectation of being treated with basic respect. Even though this exec may not intend any disrespect, that’s how his actions are coming across. I don’t think the OP (or anyone, in any work situation) should abandon hope of being treated respectfully. She’s not asking much of this person at all.
In his biography Dennis Thatcher said he used to call everyone ‘My dear boy / lady’ - especially when he couldn’t remember their names. But then he was 60+.
I agree everyone should be treated with respect, in fact I hate hierarchical structures and think the default in life should be that everyone gets treated as equals.
My point is not along idealogical lines, its more one of taking a purely practical look at the situation. The way I’m reading it, there are two possibilities for what is happening: one is that it is just the way he addresses people because he is old and no harm is meant. If that’s the case, then I think it could be argued that there is a deficiency of tolerance on the part of the OP for the cultural differences of some older workers; and I think older people are generally given a pass when they say things like young man, young lady. The second is that he is intentionally trying to assert his authority, and it is a subtle way of letting the OP know she is a couple notches below him.
So in practical terms, what is the really about? What is to be gained? In the first case, she is just forcing an old man to try and change his ways; but then what about the next thing that he does that is slightly out of step with the times? If it is the second case, he may just call her by her name like she wants, but I think he will easily find other ways to accomplish the same thing - and if that’s his management style it will not very likely be something the OP can change.
A senior executive asserting their power in subtle ways is par for the course from what I know about corporate life(which really is not a whole lot), it seems like that’s kind of what one signs on for. What would be below par is where he is actively demeaning, saying outright she is stupid etc., but his behavior is a far cry from that.
It’s not really relevant, but the guy’s senior status doesn’t impress me that much. He doesn’t have any real power and his reputation is so terrible that being on his bad side is probably a good thing.
Secondly, he apparently has a track record of causing EEO complaints. I don’t know what for, but it ain’t like he’s an expert in cultural sensitivity and common sense.
Third, I’m not really concerned if he dislikes me. The worst that can happen is that he stops tasking me with stupid little favors. Whatever influence he has is pretty limited, and his list of enemies is so long I don’t care if I’m on it.
I just don’t like how it looks to others, if that makes sense. Shuffling and smiling at him gives others tacit permission to see me as a shuffling smiler and that is not my persona. This kind of stuff is awkward for me because I don’t like doing anything that brings out the defensiveness in others, or necessitates a conversation about feeeeelings. I’m not confrontational either.
In that case, it doesn’t seem like you would be risking much by insisting he address you how you would like to be addressed in private; It seems like it would be worth a shot given the circumstances.
What I would do. Next time he comes up to you and addresses you as young lady, you can with a smile (the smile is key) respond, “Or [Name].”
or
“Young lady sounds so formal. Just call me [Name].”
Of course it doesn’t actually sound formal - it sounds stupid, but it lets him know you’d rather be called by your name without calling him a jackass. I’d probably do the first one because it’s ever so slightly snide, and I go for snide, but you might want to try the second one.
Oh, and as for my opinion on the matter, it would be annoying. Strangers call me “young lady” or “miss.” If you know me, why aren’t you calling me by my name again?
