Your Performance at the SDMB - rated!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Management has devised the following system allowing you to rate your performance at the Straight Dope Message Board. The budget is tight this year due to Covid and standards are high. Few of you will be getting raises, but more will be working from home. Good luck. We use the categories: Performance, Dependability, Attitude, Appearance and Communication.

Performance
Excellent: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Good: Leaps tall buildings. Running start.
Satisfactory: Leaps tall buildings if greatly provoked.
Doper: Uses front door to enter building.

Dependability
Excellent: Faster than a speeding bullet.
Good: Faster than speeding bullet train. Or knows if this is actually faster than bullet.
Satisfactory: Faster than VIA train. (Canada’s Amtrak!)
Doper: Fast at spreeding bull.

Attitude
Excellent: Stronger than a locomotive.
Good: Stronger than bull elephant.
Satisfactory: Strong at spreading bull.
Doper: Smells like spreading bull. Motives loco.

Appearance
Excellent: Walks on water.
Good: Head above water.
Satisfactory: Passes water.
Doper: Uses water wings when passing water.

Communication
Excellent: Talks to God.
Good: Talks to Zotti.
Satisfactory: Talks to self.
Doper: Talks to trolls. Loses arguments with self.

2

(Opinions expressed are not serious and do not reflect the views of Major League Baseball or anyone associated with the SDMB.)

3

Performance- Satisfactory
Dependability- Satisfactory
Attitude- Good
Appearance- Satisfactory
Communication- Satisfactory

4

I’m confused. How are these different?

5

“Here’s to the town of Chicago,
The land of the humble and haughty*
Where the Wrigleys talk only to Royals,
And the Royals talk only to Zotti.”
(NB: This is not literally true.)

[* May substitute the following lines:

  • The wellspring of Illuminati
  • The home of the highborn and hotty
  • The city of snow, always draughty
  • With deep dish, beef dogs and chapati.]
6

Your rating will depend on whether you’re on a first name basis with him.

7

I think it should say this:

Excellent : Talks to Cecil.
Good : Talks to Zotti.

8

You’re probably right.

9

God doesn’t think he’s Ed Zotti.

[I haven’t been around here long enough to mean that sincerely, but it *is* a take on a very old joke ;-)]

10

Performance - Satisfactory, still occasionally thinks they are funny.

Dependability - Excellent, managed to get the coveted Devotee badge. Alternately, may be obsessed, so watch closely, cannot be trusted.

Attitude - Doper, but given a mulligan for the past 6 months due to the state of the world.

Appearance - Doper, keeps responding while wearing insufficient clothing. Freak.

Communication - Satisfactory, too many spelling/auto-correct errors. Fails at nitpicking other posters.

11

Performance: I trip over door sills.

~VOW

12

This still gets you more points than tripping over Beverly Sills. Or stripping with Beverly Sills.

13

“You could do so much better, if only you applied yourself.”

(Actually, thank you for the selfless work you do here.)

14

I haven’t worked here for a hella long time. I’m just a freeloader nowadays.

15

I invented spreeding bull.

16

Spreeding…Speed breeding?

17

Here I always thought that was Sitting Bull’s cousins dogs owners mothers son or something like that.

How old are you anyway?

18

Who … Eddie baby ?

19

Hey, once a Czar…

20

I couldn’t really say, but I do remember when they created the letters “I” and “Q” to measure how smart I am.