Your "Prison Plan?"

In My Humble Opinion
1

. . . inspired by Orange is the New Black (which may or may not have another season :mad:)

I got to thinking what my strategy would be to survive in prison for a few years.* I’m a big-boned gal, but a real pushover and tender heart. I decided I’d have to grow some vicious balls and beat the crap out of the first inmate who dissed me.

After (hopefully) gaining a rep for violence I’d be left alone. I’d use my time to get in the best shape of my life and spend the rest of the time reading, reading, reading; if allowed, I’d teach GED stuff.

*I’m not sure what crime I’d commit to get a sentence of two or three years. Maybe printing and using counterfeit bills . . .?

2

Enjoy…? :confused:

3

Having a rep for being violent does not get you left alone in prison.

The usual thing that happens is you get marked as a troublemaker. Violent prisoners are separated out from the other prisoners. So you’ll end up living with the other violent prisoners and you can probably see how that doesn’t improve your situation.

Depending on the prison, you might end up getting challenged a lot to see if you can back up your reputation. If you can’t back it up, you’ll become a target for everyone else. And if you can back it up, you’ll be seen as a threat and somebody will probably decide to pre-emptively eliminate you as a threat by ambushing you.

4

Not only does violence get you segregated with other violent prisoners, doesn’t it also extend your original sentence? You’re going to add felony assault to your rap sheet on day one?:smack:

5

I figure to succumb to a nervous breakdown. By displaying absolute incapability of functioning normally, I’ll probably get hospitalized, and be safer than in the general prison population.

(This was also my plan if drafted for the war in Vietnam. I’d simply collapse in mental prostration on day one of basic training. They’d end up mopping me up and sending me away somewhere.)

Sad to say, I would not be “faking it.” I really would collapse.

6

I’d study foreign languages, read, and write books.

7

I’d see if they accept “teaching other prisoners” as one of those tasks you can do; the Spanish prison system has classes on things such as languages (both acquisition and improvement, for example improving your spelling), computer skills or office skills that I could teach or tutor in. If not, can I please get the kitchen, rather than cleaning duties? Oh, and I’m a professional-level ironer, I can iron if that’s available.

8

I’d do the same thing I did while I was in jail. Read, play cards, talk to other people, and otherwise be civil.

9

Make sure I can communicate with* Captain*. Try to get along with Boss Paul and* Dragline*.

10

As **Little Nemo **said, trying to get by on being the toughest prisoner is a losing proposition in a lot of ways.

I would play it more like Mr. Accident, but would probably keep to myself as much as I could without being rude.

11

You’ll never be able to fake a violent enough persona to get by. Because you’ll end up meeting some guy who’s ten times more violent and isn’t faking it.

Same thing with trying to act like you’re crazy. You’re not going to be able to fake it as well as the people around you who genuinely are crazy.

The safest thing to do in prison is lay low and be invisible. If you’re lucky nobody will ever notice you. What you want to do is not look for any trouble and get in with a crowd of other prisoners who aren’t looking for trouble either.

The only time you should fight is if somebody comes up and starts a fight with you. Then you’re better off defending yourself. But don’t ever be the one who starts the fight - that makes other people worry that you might start a fight with them next time. And if they’re worried you might start a fight with them, then they’ll probably try to pre-emptively attack you. Having a reputation as a fighter just means you get in more fights.

12

If I had enough time beforehand and knew I was going, I would start doing steroids, working out, and taking martial-arts classes. And then just try to survive day-to-day. I wouldn’t start any fights, but I would defend myself and try to gain a reputation as a bad guy to mess with.

13

I’d study law and try developing a jailhouse lawyer rep. Maybe catch a sparrow in the exercise yard. I’m not into crafts, but maybe design/produce unique shivs. Make Pruno.

14

I’d make sure there was no failure to communicate.

15

I’m pretty artsy…if it wasn’t strictly forbidden, I figure I’d do prison tattoos and sketches to trade goodwill with others.

I’d be a little concerned about getting too chummy with people; I’m kind of a pushover.

16

I would keep to myself and treat inmates (and guards) with respect, but if cornered I’d fight like a badger. Cool Hand Luke would be me.

17

I’d be an actual jailhouse lawyer (assuming whatever got me in prison did not also get my license suspended.) But I’m not representing anyone in a custody proceeding. I know what happens then that goes badly.

18

I’d go around asking “You gonna eat that cornbread?”

19

Make a cheesecake to share with my cell mates and inquire if there was a prison library and if so did they need staff.

20

I think the people insisting they’d be loners would be in a bad position in prison. It is critical you have people you can trust and support you. If not, you are vulnerable to those who do have strength in numbers.