What's the least repulsive crime I could commit that would guarantee me life imprisonment?

I live in the UK but since it’s a hypothetical answers from all juristitions are fine.

Say I’m sick of the rat race, I just want to live the rest of my life in a room provided by the state with food and clothing provided by the state, and I don’t care about the discomfits and loss of liberty of prison. I’m a basically decent guy so I don’t really want to do anything harmful but I also want to burn my bridges and virtually guarantee a life sentence. I don’ty have any underworld friends, know anyone in the crime business or have access to a lot of money. I also don’t want to be sent to a psychiatric or supermax prison. What would the best, least harmful crime I could commit be?

In the UK, you could probably have a crack at treason felony

Not sure how easy that would be mind, as you’d have to:

I believe that in the US, kidnapping is a life sentence crime. You don’t have to hurt the victim, but it still counts.

Think Ruthless People rather than* Ransom*.

I’m sure a terrorism related crime could get you done for treason felony.

My bold.

It might be tough to thread that needle. I was thinking espionage in the US. Aldrich Ames and Robert Hanssen both earned permanent federal guest status by selling secrets to the Soviets/Russians. Hanssen is in a supermax. Ames is in a place called “United States Penitentiary, Allenwood”, which looks like a plain old high security prison rather than a supermax, but still not a fun place. So, depending on how the chips fall, getting the espionage conviction might land you in essentially permanent solitary confinement. Also, there is the real chance of getting the death penalty for espionage in the US, so you take a big gamble there. And, well, I guess it is pretty repulsive to out secret agents so our enemies can kill them.

There are probably some financial crimes that can get you very long sentences, but I’m not sure any go all the way to life.

Wasn’t this the basis for the O. Henry story “The Cop and the Anthem?” Of course the story was written in 1904 and the homeless man was trying to get arrested before winter. So his crime of sleeping on a park bench might not be severe enough in 2016.

Steal a bottle of soda three times.

Trying to convert Muslims to Christianity in Iran.

If your goal is life in prison, I’m not sure that would work. There was a pretty high-profile case a while back; the proselytizer got only three years’ imprisonment.

Rob a bank (equals federal prison, so better living standards generally speaking), but sure to use a gun and discharge the weapon into a wall near someone (aggravating circumstances), if possible grab a hostage for a short period of time. That would pretty well get you enough years where you’d not see daylight again, and if it didn’t you could always commit a crime while in prison to lengthen your sentence.

In the US, attempted presidential assassination gets you life in prison (see Squeaky Fromme, who was paroled after 34 years). You don’t have to hurt your target, just show up with a loaded gun and get tackled by security.

FWIW, I wouldn’t think it’s necessary to pursue a life sentence. If you’re only sentenced to X years, then when you get out you just repeat the crime and get another X years of free room & board.

Hypothetically, one should at least give REBT one moment of time before trading the rat race in for prison:

REBT is based on a few simple principles having profound implications:

So, you just need to steal the Queen’s crown? I think I saw that in Minions.

No hard info just guessing but non-physically violent white collar crime of some kind of a con would probably be your surest way to secure a federal country club prison. If it involves direct threats of violence you will you may not get a crack at those institutions. You would have to choose your crime venue pretty carefully as the quality of prisons varies by region and (I think) it would have to be prosecutable as a federal not a state crime. So whatever crime fits those parameters.

That’s my suggestion as well. Commit a mild crime and get locked away in a Martha Stewart-type prison for a few years, get out and go visit friends or family, enjoy yourself, and when you’re ready do the crime again.

Better yet, do it in Norway. When they had that massacre a few years back I remember seeing some exposes on how nice the prisons that Anders Breivik was going to were going to be. :frowning:

Bernard Madoff got sentenced to 150 years. According to Wiki, he’s in a minimum security federal facility. His crimes were pretty repulsive, albeit non-violent at least. And carrying out a massive, decades-long Ponzi scheme is a lot of work just to get free room and board. But, as far as life sentences go, he’s not doing too bad I guess.

How about helping people who want to die, like Jack Kevorkian did? You could actually do good (IMO) and serve time as a result.

See, they give proper sentences in the US. To get a life sentence in the UK which is actually ‘for life’, you basically have to be a serial killer.

But grand theft from a government agency always goes down badly - not just robbing a bank, but actually taking money from the Crown – that’s why the Great Bank Robbers in the 60s got 30 years a piece – they robbed the Royal Mail (of course, they were released early).

I think, I am not sure, but I remember also reading how low their rates of recidivism are compared to the US. I would hesitate to say they are right or we are wrong without more data, however.

Yeah, I’m thinking botched bank robbery with a loaded gun is your ticket here.

The way to make this work is to get out your gun, make all the customers get down on the floor for that extra kidnapping/hostage taking sentence boost. Demand your customary sack of money. But then demand that they open the safety deposit boxes for you. Pretend not to understand why they can’t do that, and stand around doing a lot of demanding. When you hear the sirens, set your gun carefully down on the floor and put your hands over your head and apologize to everyone you’ve inconvenienced.

The flaw in this plan is that you really will terrify a lot of people. And the cops will be in no mood to reason with you, you never know when some trigger happy rookie will just start blasting you while you stand there with your hands up.