Your Relationships with Adult Siblings (or, not everyone is like our parents, right?)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

To sum up the answers here, somewhat, there seem to be a few factors at work regarding future relationships with siblings as the pressures of adult life take your free time away from you …

a) Were you close growing up? Did your parents foster good relations between you and your siblings?

b) Are you willing to stay in the same general area as your siblings, or is it more important to have the perfect job?

c) Does your brother/sister date people you generally approve of? This one is much bigger than some people realize. A spouse that isn’t respected by the family will definitely put a damper on festivities.

I’m sure there’s more. Those seem like the big ones to me, though.

My brother (35 to my 33), whom I completely adore, married a woman I am trying to learn to tolerate and moved to the other end of the country. I miss him very much. We still email and visit (though it’s hard) and occasionally talk on the phone.

I get to see him tomorrow! Whee! :: happy dance ::

22

I am 31, my brother is 35. We never got along as children (an understatement), and he took the being mean to/fighting with his little sister attitude and actions to an artform of scary proportions. He was always very angry and took every opportunity to torment and torture me. In his teens, his behavior was a great source of stress and pain to my entire family–especially my mother, who then was my whole world.

I have little to no good memories of us together except perhaps on the periphery of other happy events. He lives in Illinois, I now live in Virginia, and I haven’t see him in probably 12 or 13 years. It’s not a grudge or on-going feud, there’s no real kinship there.

PLDennison (my hubby for anyone here who doesn’t already know that), has never met him and has expressed a desire to pummel him if he ever should. I called him when I got engaged, and I invited him to the wedding (he did not come). Last year we exchanged a few emails but that’s about all.

Not every family can be the Brady Bunch…

23

i’m an only so i don’t have sibling relationships.

my parents on the other hand… oy.

my father and his brothers have not been in the same place at the same time since 1946. now that one of them is dead it will ever happen. my father would visit one or the other but uncle gabe and uncle red have not been together since 1946. no big arguement, they were just raised to be very competitive and not to stick together.

my mother has a brother and sister. they are so totally different that my cuz and i joke that they were raised by different wolves. my mum and aunt see each other every week only because they go to the same church. my aunt will call my uncle every now and again. again no big arguement, the sister that held them all together died very young. then the sister in law that held them together also died. they are there for each other if something happens though.

24

I have 2 much older siblings. I am 18, they are 31 and almost 30. When I was in pre-school, we used to see each other almost everyday because their mom babysat me. When they left for further studies, sometimes years passed before I saw them. Yet they always sent letters or gifts, so I think we remained close. Now that it is my turn to go away, I have the luck that my brother lives in the same state I will go, and it is likely I spent time at his house when vacations come. Oh yea, now that we have internet, we also sent each other emails and chat.

My parent has 2 siblings. They are all very close, and my dad see his brother every other week, and his sister every other month. Sometimes they see each other with more frequency, but since all the family lives in the general area, phone calls are common. His extended family is pretty close too. I hope I can continue with it.

My mom has one sister. Yes, they are close, but they see each other only a few times each year because my aunt lives far from home. Phone calls and letters are also common, and they were so close in fact, that before I was born mom run with the educational cost of my 3 maternal cousins. The extended part of the family is not so close, other than my 3 cousins and their daughters.

25

I’m the youngest of three kids. My brothers are 31 and 27, I’m 26. The brother that’s 27 lives across the street and 1/2 a block up from me and my other brother lives about a mile away. Our kids are more like brothers and sisters than cousins and we think that’s kinda cool. I’m not super close to my brothers. We get together for birthdays and holidays and stuff or if one of us has a BBQ or something but that’s about it. My brothers are really close to each other though and they hang out together all the time. They’re also a lot closer to my parents than I am but I’m kinda the black sheep of my family so it doesn’t really bother me too much. We’re there for each other when it really counts and that’s what’s important to me.

26

I live with my older sister now.(She’s 51, I’m 38). My older brother died last December three days after he turned 48. The three of us were very close (as well as my older brother’s wife)

My sister, sister-in-law and myself do dinner once a week with my mom and dad.

When I lived away, I was visited very regularly by my older brother and sister. They made frequent trips when I lived in Ohio and annual trips when I lived in Florida.

None of us are close with my younger brother. He has issues and is a very angry man. He really has excluded us from his life, so it is just family functions when we see him. It’s sad to me that it’s this way since now he is my only brother. I continue to hope that he will come to terms with his demons and accept the support we are ready to give him. Maybe, someday.

27

I’m 35 and my brother is 32. We live one town away from each other. We love each other, but as we grow older we grow farther apart. Especially since we don’t have that much in common, interest-wise. I work on computers, he idolizes computers. I don’t want to talk nothing but computers, but that’s all he wants to talk about. (My guess is if he had to work on them all day he might not be as enthusiastic either.) We get together at my mom’s house, about once every month or two, and I kept his daughter so they could celebrate their anniversary this past weekend. How close you remain depends on how much effort you are both willing to put into the relationship.

28

I have one sister, 3 years younger than me. She lives 2 miles away. We used to play softball together and do a lot of stuff, but she now has 3 kids and that takes up a lot of time. I’m probably going over tonight to see her, as a matter of fact, to help her with the twins (2 months old and cranky at dinner time).

We had the usual growing up fights (“She’s wearing my clothes!”, “Tell Michelle to stop bossing me around”) but in the end we turned out close.

I’m not even going to get into the imbroglio that is my husband’s family: it’s beyond weird.

29

I’m the youngest of 10, seven sister and three brothers. I’m 34 and my eldest sibling will be 54 next month, she was like another mother to me when she was living at home until the mid '70s. My only contact with her since ‘83 was at our parents’ 50th Anniversary Party in '97.

Next is a brother, he’ll be 53 on Christmas. He left for college about the same time I was born. The family would make occasional trips to visit him and his (now ex-) wife. Even though we’re both in northern Virginia now, he’s too busy with his business. I’ll talk him when I need computer equipment or advice, but the last time I actually saw him was when he helped me with my taxes.

Four more sisters. The first hosted a family reunion in '93. The second, Angie and I visited last Christmas. The third became a doctor and moved to Texas, I spent a few days with her every summer while she was pre-med. I hardly saw the fourth anymore once she left home, but we were very close as children.

My other brother, the pain in the ass, turned 44 in March. Typical mean older brother, we were never close except in distance. I haven’t seen him since the family reunion in '93 and don’t want to.

Another sister. Among all my siblings, we were the closest. If anyone could cheer me up, she could. She’s down in Texas with Dr. Olsen and until recently was the nanny of her two sons.

The last of my siblings will be 39 in November, we pretty much grew up together. As with the rest of my siblings, I never saw much of her after she left for college.

Our parents retired in '94 and moved to Arkansas. The come visit every so often, and I see them when I visit family for Christmas. It was much easier for everyone to get together for the Holidays when we were all in Illinois, but now we’re so spread out we decided to have separate gatherings split between north and south. We’re due for another reunion, maybe next summer when Angie and I go out to Illinois again.

30

That should read “seven sisters and two brothers.”

31

I’m the youngest of three girls. I’m 28, and my sisters are 33 and 36.

The 36-year-old I hardly know. She left the house when I was 9 (to be an exchange student for a year), then went straight to college, and from college, straight to marriage. She lives 3,000 miles away from me. Personality-wise, we don’t have much in common. She is very regimented (to outright uptight) and is a fundamentalist Christian who home-schools her children. She’s relaxed somewhat, but still cannot hear a contrary opinion about anything remotely relating to her belief systems. Her daughter adores me, however, as she is basically me all over again (hates dresses, loves to catch animals, loves horses, etc). I see them about once a year.

The other sister, 33, I see fairly often–maybe once a month–as she lives near my parents. She, however, is very different from me as well. Whereas I’m more casual, she’s the fake-bleach-blond, fake-nails, fake-tan, fake-boobs, lots-of-makeup type. And I’m the one who’s lived in California for 14 years! She is very flirty, and though I hesitate to say it, very flighty. She recently snuck off to Vegas to marry some guy none of us knew. They left her 6-year-old son at home for that. (He had just been the ringbearer in my wedding not a month before–how does that look to him? He’s in his aunt’s wedding, but isn’t even allowed to go to his mom’s?) This middle sister and my oldest sister hate each other, and always have. Recently the 33yro tried to reconcile with the 36yro (who had told her she was going to hell two years ago when she filed for divorce), and the 36yro was polite with her, telling her these nice, if of questionable sincerity, platitudes. 33yro sees it as a new beginning–I see it as wanting something she is never going to get.

So, as you might imagine, the three of us aren’t exactly close. I hang out on occasion with the 33yro, but I can’t really say she’s a friend.

I wish I could have a sibling I was close to, but that ain’t the way it works in this family.

32

I am 27, and I have 2 brothers, neither of which are blood related, and 4 sisters.

My parents adopted my older brother when he was 17. He wanted to be in my dad’s Boy Scout troop. The nuns said for him to be in the troop, my parents would have to be his foster parents. They ended up being foster parents for his 7 brothers and sisters, also.
This brother is now 45.
My oldest sister is 44. She lives in Arkansas, and I’ve only met her once. My father was married to her mother before he went into the Navy. She (sister) is very nice, looks just like my dad, and we try to keep in touch. (Both of us are poor, so we call when we can.)
The next sister will be 40 on Saturday. I don’t get along with this sister very well. You only thought you knew what a fundie was until you meet her. She drives me nuts.
The next sister is going to be 38 at the end of the month. She is the coolest sister on the planet. She lives in Daytona, but we email/call/visit as often as possible.
The younger sister is now 24. She’s alright, she gets on my nerves, but she’s getting married in February and I think I’ll miss her when she moves.
The younger brother is 26. He’s not really my brother, but I’ve adopted him, basically. He is the sweetest guy on the face of the planet, and I love him. We get along better than anyone else in the family, and my family loves him. (It’s a shame that he’s not really my brother, because he has such a sad family background.)

All of my brothers and sisters get along well, we just don’t get to keep in touch with each other all that much. My mom has two brothers, one that comes to birthday parties, cookouts, etc. The other one considers himself to be “too good” to be in our family. (I worked at my last job for 2 months before I found out he was an administrator there. He never said a word to me.)
My dad has one brother that he hasn’t seen since he (dad) left for the Navy back in the 50’s. When I got a computer, I looked up my last name in an internet phone book, and found about 40 people. I gave the list to my dad, who saw his brother’s name on there. He finally got the courage to call him, and when he did, my uncle started screaming and yelling at my dad. Basically it was like “I don’t know who you are, but quit calling me.” It turns out he has Alzheimer’s, and he says that to everyone on the phone. My dad has kept in touch with his son, though, so he knows how his brother is doing, even if he can’t talk to him. It’s really sad, because my dad feels like he never had a chance to apologize to him.

Good lord. I think I’ll just print this out for the next family reunion!

33

I have one older sister, I’m 28 and she’s…older. We are best friends. We talk almost every day and at least e-mail once a day. She lives three hours away and since we are both married with kids we don’t get to see each other often but when we do we always have fun and stay up late giggling and talking. We weren’t as close as teenagers, we hated each other back then but life kicked us both hard enough we came to realize sometimes the only people you can count on have the same blood or past as you :slight_smile:
My husband isn’t as close with his sisters. He hasn’t seen them in 4 years. They were never very close to begin with though. He even avoids e-mailing them if he can. If they call he makes me talk to them, did I mention they hate me?
As for my son and daughter, I want them to be close when they grow up so that one day when Mama no longer can drink Dr Pepper nude, they will have each other to turn to when times get rough.

34

Sigh My brother and I are not close. We’ve never been very close. My son just graduated from high school with High Honors and received an academic scholarship to college . . . my brother and his wife didn’t even send a card. I don’t know which I’m feeling more . . . sad or pissed. I’d send HIS daughter a card.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

35

Hmm, turns out I added one to my age in my previous post. Please subtract one from all ages given.

36

I know exactly how you feel. Not a single family member of mine came to a baby shower that my MIL threw for me, there were a lot of people, but it was still conspicuous. I’m the third out of four and the only girl. I was very close to my older brothers before they got married, go out for drinks, scheme together against the 'rents, that kind of stuff. Then they got married and are almost completely different people. I hardly see them anymore. It almost seems like they hold me at arms length. Yeah it does smart, I can’t believe I come from a big family and sometimes feel like I have none.

37

I live in Georgia, and I have 3 sisters who live in KY (as do my parents), a sister in OK, and a brother in CA. I go to KY four or five times a year, and I have been to OK and CA a handful of times. I am very close to all of my sibs, even though we don’t get everyone in the same room very often (once every 2 or 3 years). The oldest one is 52, I am 40, and we have gotten much closer over the last few years because of e-mail. We communicate more than anyone else in the family, and we tell each other all of our secrets. We could blackmail each other quite effectively.

38

I have one sister. We live about an hour from each other, and we’re both pretty busy, but we see each other on holidays.

I like her just fine; she’s cool.

39

Brickie made some really good points, I think…

I’ve kinda had all of the experiences. My mom died when I was young, so it was just me and my dad for much of my childhood. He’s also an only child, and my mother had only one brother who was completely out of touch for many years, so I really had a small family.

Then dad remarried a few years ago, to a longtime family friend who had just gone through an ugly divorce. Of course that really affected the two daughters, who are 7 and 11 years younger than I am.

And now we’re really quite close. We don’t talk all the time, but when we get together it’s great. What’s especially amazing is that my sisters, who spent much of their childhood at war with each other, now share an apartment in Virginia about an hour from our parents - and couldn’t be happier. One’s 21, finishing up in the Army and starting college in the fall; the other is 25, working as a consultant and studying for a masters at night. I wouldn’t say I have a huge amount in common with them, but they’re good people and I enjoy them. Oh, and their boyfriends are both good. One thing that was really hard when they were younger was watching them date truly awful guys, who emotionally mistreated them. Thank god they’re over that.

I’m actually the “far-away” one, but it’s only 4-5 hours from NYC to Maryland so it’s not bad. My step-mom’s brother, sisters and father are all in the same area as my parents so any time I go home it’s like a mini-reunion. Step-mom also has two favorite cousins (in Knoxville and Charlottesville) whom we see at least once or twice a year.

The sad thing that’s made the whole family even tighter has been the deaths of step-mom’s mother at Thanksgiving and my Dad’s mother in January. That can really help bind folks, but it’s a helluva way to go about it.

40

Oh, heavens. I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who has experienced Strained Sibling Relationships, but those of you who sound so close and loving and mushy with your siblings just make me want to, to, to…

::sniffle::

I’m better now.

I have one older sister. When we were kids and at each other’s throats 24/7, everyone kept saying “You don’t get along now, but when you’re grown-up you’ll be really close.” Well, guess what? We’re adults now. We aren’t close. We have nothing, but nothing in common - we not only don’t look like each other, we also don’t have any of the same interests. We don’t think alike or talk alike or do anything the same. We can barely carry on a civil conversation. We live in the same town, but we see each other only very rarely.

She’s my sister and I love her, but memories of growing up seem to be all we share, and many of those aren’t good. We’ve been there for each other in crunches, but in between those times we are just two utterly dissimilar people who don’t get along particularly well and would never spend a minute together if we weren’t related. I wish things weren’t like this, but they are.

So what I wanna know is - how did you all with the good sibling relationships develop those? 'Cause if I have kids, I want them to be more than just Cheerios in one another’s hair.