Are you close to your brothers & sisters? Why or why not?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Assuming you have any, of course.

Like many of my threads, this one is inspired by the novel I’m working on. But I’m not going to talk about the book’s plot much because (a) it’s not necessary, (b) I’ve talked about it in ten zillion other posts, and © I don’t want to. Suffice to say that the sibling relationships are a major factor in the story; rewriting a certain chapter, I’ve just had a secondary character–a 19-year-old girl–say, in reference to her 14-year-old younger brother, that he’s her “very favorite human being.”

Now to me this is not a very unusual sentiment. I come from a fairly large family–two brothers, four sisters, and one half-sister–and I can easily imagine one of us saying that in reference to another, particuarly when we were younger. When I was fourteen, everybody knew that my 21-year-old sister older sister J and I were extremely close; our mother used to say that I could do no wrong in J’s eyes. And my baby sister (five years my junior) is probably the favorite of all seven of her older siblings, but particularly me; one of my happiest adult moments was when I was interviewing her for a story I was writing and she told me, almost completely out of the blue, that I was her hero growing up.

So to me close sibling relationships are perfectly natural, even normal. (Which is not to say I don’t cheerfully despise one of my brothers, but ONLY one.) But I’ve a former friend who once commented that the relationship between my two characters was odd; she didn’t think brothers & sisters were ever as close as my sisters and I am unless there is some unhealthy, perhaps incestuous, aspect to it. (You can imagine my reaction to this assertion, though aloud I only said that her comment said more about her family than it did mine.)

Which brings me back to the reason for the thread: tell me about your relationships with your siblings.

**Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter?)

What’s made you close, or estranged? What effect have your parents had on the relationship?

What do your friends, spouses, and other close people in your life think of it?

If you’re an only child, what are your opinions about sibling relationships?

If you were me, only smarter, what question would you have asked that I haven’t?**

Thanks,

2

I’m probably the least closest to my sibling as all my friends. I’ve just got 1 sister, who is nearly 4 years older.

Nothing happened that we’re not close. We just have different interests and lives. We don’t chat on the phone or visit each other when our parents aren’t involved. We don’t hate each other, we’re just not close.

My friends think it’s weird that we’re not closer, as she’s completely cool, very nice, and I’ve never had a “problem” with her. They don’t understand why I’ve never partied with her, as they do with their brothers or sisters.

Anyway, I’ve been trying lately to become closer to her, partly for my benefit and partly so I’m more involved in my nephews and niece’s lives. She really is a cool lady, we just don’t have a lot in common. Except for our parents.

3

I am very close to my siblings and my wife is very close to hers.
Today I spent 30 minutes talking Yankees with my Brother. I talk to him about twice a week and he actually lived with us for about 2 months two years ago. I am close to both my sisters and my niece and nephew. I speak to them less than my brother but still often. We all get along very well.
Way back when I was in the Navy, if I was feeling particularly down or depressed, I would call my sister and just talking to her for a while would make me feel better.
I spent 3 summers as a teenager living with my other sister. It was a lot of fun to get away from home for a while.
I would say I am very close to my immediate family and we all live in NJ currently.

My wifes family is spread out across the country but we a still close to them. Happily we all get along very well.

Jim

4

My whole family is very very close but yes, I’m very close with my sister. We’re best friends. I’m also quite close to my brother-in-law. I think a lot of it has to do with age-my sister is less than 2 years younger than me and my brother-in-law is a few months younger. My brother-in-law is an only child so I think he really welcomed the sibling relationship with me. Plus, I’ve known him since he was 11 (family friend).

I chalk it up to our upbringing (we grew up in a really rural environment for a long time and depended on each other for company) combined with very similar personalities & a lack of very defined sibling rivalry due to the fact that we weren’t interested in the same things educationally so it’s not like there was a “who is doing better” deal going on. My sister and I ended up at the same undergrad university and less than 2 hours apart for graduate school. It seems I’m destined to have my darling pest follow me around for the remainder of my life.

I would feel a big hole in my life without my sister and I’m happy she ended up marrying I guy I really love and consider a brother.

5

Sorry, I forgot two of your questions.

My parents really encouraged and fostered our close relationship. They didn’t differentiate between us at all-it was their idea to pack us off to the same college for undergrad (didn’t want to hear any accusations that 1 child had more money spent on them than the other) and this “you both get the same of everything” treatment has been ongoing for our entire lives (braces, clothes, summer camps, everything). A large part of it has to do with the fact that my parents are partially estranged from their biological families and feel that after they pass my sister and I will only have each other, especially since there’s no chance of ever going back to our country of origin.

I feel people tend to be mostly envious about it. My sister and brother go out of their way for me-never have I once flown in and out of Chicago without being ferried to the airport for free, even if it’s at all hours of the night and morning. They own a small condo but bought a mattress for me and insist that I stay with them even though they have to rent storage for all the stuff they need to host family guests. They are so incredibly thoughtful it’s just ridiculous. I would do the same for them but they never seem to want to come out to California.

6

I’m very close to my remaining brothers and sisters (my oldest sister passed away last year at age 53 – that’s a shock, losing a sibling), but was not always.

My family was divided into two subfamilies – two brothers and my late sister, then a gap of about six years and my two other sisters and me. With a 20-year span between the oldest and me, I just didn’t know my older sibs that well.

The three youngest were always tormenting each other in some ever-shifting two-against-one pattern. As we got older, I was very competitive with my two sisters. I finally started to get close to them when I realized they were human and prone to all the insecurities and flaws that I am.

Now that our parents and one sister are gone, we’ve all become exceedingly close, though we are not close geographically.

7

I’m not close to my siblings. There’s no feuding or bitterness, we just aren’t close. Part of it is age difference, as one of them is ten years younger than me, one of them is twenty years younger than me, but one of them is close to my age, and we just have nothing in common. We all live near each other, though, so we get together for holidays, kids’ birthdays, etc.

My parents weren’t close to their siblings, so I suppose they didn’t set much of an example of family togetherness.

My SO doesn’t think anything of it, really. His family is a lot bigger on the enforced “togetherness” thing. If I don’t want to go to a family function, I just don’t. If he fails to attend one, it’s drama-rama. My family drives him a little nuts, but not nearly as nuts as *his * family makes him, so if anything, I think he envies my freedom from them.

8

**Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter? **
Somewhere inbetween. I have 2 older sisters and a younger brother. I was never close to my oldest sister, her being an undiagnosed and therefore untreated bipolar. She was scary/overwhelming/unhappy/ emotionally untrustworthy. My next sister was super-social and very different from me. She was warm and seemed stable compared to oldest sister. Younger brother was fun and charming and spoiled.

What’s made you close, or estranged? What effect have your parents had on the relationship?
I was my dad’s favorite; charming, clever, easy-to-love. I had no and caused no problems, and my mother was pleased with me. I was self-motivated and won academic and musical awards. I was trust-worthy and reliable. My oldest sister found this bitter and my brother found this amusing.

What do your friends, spouses, and other close people in your life think of it?
Pretty typical family dynamics—anyone knowing my oldest sister knows how she was. My parents were very community-minded and prominent and well-thought-of.

9

My sisters are eight and nine years older than me. They both left home before I was 10 years old. We’ve lived in different parts of the country ever since then.

We get along well, but I wouldn’t call us “close” as the OP describes it. I can imagine both my sisters saying that I would always be their baby brother, but never describing me as their “very favorite human being.”

My wife comes from a very close-knit extended family, and she’s tighter with her same-age cousins than she is with her sister, who’s eight years younger.

10

Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter)?
I’m the oldest of three. Very close to both my brother and sister. Brother is two years younger, sister ten years. Unfortunately, my brother’s out of state teaching, but we email and talk on the phone at least three times a week. My sister and I talk almost daily, and we have a standing lunch date once a month. We’ve had our arguments over the years, but I’d be miserable if I didn’t have them in my life. Behind my SO, they’re my support system.

What’s made you close, or estranged? What effect have your parents had on the relationship?
My mom split from my father when I was five and then moved us several hundred miles away. Then moved us several hundred miles in a different direction when we were two years older. My brother and I grew close out of self defense (it’s hard making friends when you constantly move around) & have stayed close ever since. He’s one of the few people who really knows me.
My sister is ten years younger than I am. My mom had her about 2 years after she remarried, then split with my stepfather when I was 15. I babysat her, I taught her to tie her shoes, I was there when she got home from school, I helped her with homework, friends, boys, etc. Since my mother worked such long hours and couldn’t afford daycare, she and I had a lot more time together than most sisters do when there’s such a large age discrepancy.

What do your friends, spouses, and other close people in your life think of it?
My spouse thinks it’s great, as he’s very close with his sisters as well. My friends are as confused by me being close with my siblings as I am with their distance from theirs. These are the two people I know I can count on to be there for me no matter what.

11

Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter?)
Closer to the Rhymer’s than Sampiro’s, I’d wager. I have one younger half-sister (same mom, different dads). We get along very well and like hanging out together. When she’s in town, she stays with me for weeks at a time. We recently went on a cross-country road trip together. We might get irritated with each other from time to time, but we never fight, and don’t have any serious philosophical/political/religious differences. I’m not sure either of us would necessarily call the other our “very favorite” human being. She is pretty high on my list, though. We are each other’s only sibling.

What’s made you close, or estranged?
We are eleven years apart, so that kept us distant for quite a few years. While she was a toddler, I was a sullen teen[sup]tm[/sup]. By the time she was ten, I was out of the house (and not much later out of the state), so we rarely spent time together. She says the times we did hang out when she was a kid (movies, visits to my place while on lunch break from school) were some of her happiest childhood memories. When I heard about this I was surprised, since I had felt guilty for missing so many of her formative years.

The first significant block of time we spent together without other family around was in 2000 - just the two of us went on a several-day trip. I remember being a bit nervous about it, since I wasn’t sure we’d have anything to talk about (she was a arty college student, I was a 30-year old corporate drone), and we had a blast. At that point, our relationship changed from something more like cousins to sisters. So, that’s been real cool.

**What effect have your parents had on the relationship? **
My mom and dad had an amicable divorce very early in my life, and so my sister’s father was instrumental in raising me from my grade school years. I think of my mom & stepdad as my “parents” (they are still married, and my dad is still My Dad), and my sister thinks of my dad as kind of a crazy/cool uncle. We all live in different states, scattered in all corners of the US, but we’re all pretty close. Not like “on the phone every day” close, but emotionally close.

What do your friends, spouses, and other close people in your life think of it?
I don’t think anyone else in my life has much of an opinion about my family. Those friends of mine who have met my family like them just fine, but generally my friends are my friends, and my sister’s friends are my sister’s friends and the groups don’t really mix (partly due to age and interests, and the fact that I’m much less social than my sister). The main thing everyone agrees on is that my sister and I look nothing alike (though we both look like our parents).
**
If you’re an only child, what are your opinions about sibling relationships?**
Obviously I’m not an only child, but I spent 11 years as one. So sometimes I still kind of feel like one. Then I remember. :slight_smile:

If you were me, only smarter, what question would you have asked that I haven’t?
Clearly, I’m not. You’re writin’ a book and everything! Garsh.

12

Similar to my own situation. I’m closer to my sister than my brother, which is odd since I worshipped him when I was young. But he’s turned out to be very high maintenance, i.e., he expects you to call him, and seldom feels he should return the favor, then gets pissed when you don’t contact him. I haven’t spoken to him since Christmas, when I got a very cold shoulder when I called. Additionally, he’s virulently anti-black, which is difficult to listen to, and a rabid Republican; on the other hand, his best friend is an Alaska Native. I think his Army time is what caused his racism, but don’t know the details.

My sister took care of me while my mother worked two jobs, so she is a very maternal figure for me. We talk on a regular basis, but unfortunately her husband is a complete prick, of the virulent anti-everything that isn’t him type, and a more rabid righty than my brother. So we don’t get together much any more as a group.

13

I was moderately close to my brother when he was single and lived in Austin. We had different friends but we hung out at least once a week or so. But then I hooked him up with a friend of mine and he got married, moved back to our hometown, and had a kid. So we’re not as close due to both geography and different lives. We talk maybe once a month or so but our lives don’t have much in common anymore…

14

We’re moderately close. My sister is married with three kids; my brother got married two years ago; I’m single, and definitely not getting married any time soon. So, all three of us are in different places in our life. When we get together, we have a good time. But when we’re apart, I don’t call them that often - I know they will be busy with their own thing.

I have two cousins who are around the same age as I am, and all three of us are single women. I’m fairly close to both of them - we vacation together, and I go up a couple times a year to spend the weekend with them.

Susan

15

Not close. I have a sister, eight years older, and a brother, four years older. We were raised my a single mom who was kinda whacked in the brain.

We all got abused as kids. Daily beatings, sometimes multiple beatings/day. My brother used to beat on me all the time, although I tried my best to give as good as I got, but his being four years older & much bigger, I mostly got good at getting away. My sister used to fight with my brother, and used to protect me from him. So I was closer to her. But she wanted to get away from the fucked up family so she wasn’t around much after the age of 15 or 16, leaving me to my brother.

We all wanted to get away from the fucked up family (FUF?), first chance we got. Older sister moved out by the time she was 17, got married and started pumping out kids by 19. Then older brother moved off to college, leaving me with mom. Me and mom actually started getting along fairly well, but I still couldn’t wait to get away.

Older sister stayed in our home town, pumping out kids and growing the large “normal” family she always dreamed of. Brother took off to college, eventually got a PhD, a wife, kids, etc.

I took off, did the college thing, joined the military because among other things, getting sent to another country across a large ocean was just far enough away from home to feel comfortably safe, formed a network of my own extended family & friends as I came to feel more comfortable being gay.

That’s pretty much it. My older sister has a large family of her own, in a town I want no part of. Brother has his own family on the other coast - I hate his manipulative, spoiled, daddy’s little princess wife.

I like my sister well enough I guess, though we have nothing in common but genes. We make contact maybe a couple times/year, sometimes not for a couple years. She always laments, “we really need to try to be a closer family.”

My brother is still a mean asshole, and we can’t spend much time together before he starts getting mean. I hadn’t spoken with him for five years then he showed up on my doorstep, which is his style. “Hi, haven’t seen you in awhile, was wondering what you were up to.” Sorry bro, but I know from experience that means you need someone to be mean to, and I’m the only one you know it’s okay to be mean to. Please, drop the nice act. What do you want? Got some marriage troubles? Health problems? Just need someone to kick?"

16

There are six years between me and my next youngest brother, seven years the next, and eleven years the sister my parents adopted. Ours was a very unhappy home, and for many years it was me and my first brother as pals. We played music together. First at home, then in clubs and studios, and we have one of those rare psychic bonds for playing music. I will probably never experience it again with anyone.

My youngest brother was always kind of a PITA. He was a crybaby, and a sissy, and we didn’t really have any time for him. He was 10 when I left home, and I never really knew him much as a kid. Later as a teen, when we knew he was gay, he tried hard not to have a relationship with any of us. Then he moved away.

I never got to know my sister. She was five when the family split up. The times when I lived with my mother were when she was going through the difficult-to-be-around teens. As it turns out, and as one might suspect, she has abandonment issues… in fact a whole subscripton. She’s on her third husband now, and has a daughter I haven’t seen since she was a toddler and a son of whom I’ve never even seen a picture. I don’t even know where she lives. She doesn’t speak to me, for reasons never articulated, or even hinted at.

Both of our parents are deceased. I think the first brother and sister feel cast adrift. Baby brother and I had been moved away and had taken care of ourselves for years.

My first brother got involved in a bad situation with a woman, and lost most of his friends over it. I moved away and got married. He did a 180, personality-wise and started to behave in unacceptable ways toward me, and I had no choice but to tell him to get stuffed, for real. That really hurts, because I had such plans for our old ages. My wife was sad to see that relationship go away, because her relationship with her brother is so good, she can’t imagine us not ever speaking again. I can. I’m sad too, and I think about him all the time, but until he gets a clue, he can be that way all by himself.

In the eight years I’ve been married, the unexpected has happened. My youngest brother and his partner were the only family members to attend my wedding. He’s been here three times on visits to Disney World. I talk to him several times a week on instant messaging. We have our family and our estrangement from them in common. We are the only ones preserving any family memories. The other two don’t talk to us, or each other, and haven’t in years.

I hope I covered your questions. They were good ones, and I can’t think of anything off the top of my head that I would have added.

17

Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter?)

Closer to the Rhymers, though my family has its share of high-tempered grudge-holders–just not in my immediate family. My parents, siblings, and (I hope) myself are all pretty easy-going and sane. It’s the extended family that’s crazy. And it never ceases to amaze me that my family is (comparatively) normal. How the hell did that happen?

What’s made you close, or estranged? What effect have your parents had on the relationship?

My sister is eight years older than I am and my brothers are two and four years younger than I am. Oddly enough, I’m closest to my sister. Then my youngest brother and then the brother between us. Middle-brother and I are both fairly competitive, only he’s good at the things I’m bad at and vice-versa. So I can kick his ass at Trivial Pursuit and he can, um, kick my ass. Period. My older sister and I are both smart and unathletic, but we’re smart in different subjects, so there really wasn’t competition there. Youngest-brother is the baby and everybody loves him–even animals. We call him The Beastmaster.

I talk to my sister four or five times a week, and she lives twenty minutes away from where I’m going to school, so we get together two or three times a month and just hang out. We were writing buddies for a while and met at a local café every two weeks, but we like each other so much that we never got any writing done and had to discontinue our meetings. She’s even dating a guy who’s pretty much the male version of me, only with carpentry instead of textiles and music instead of English literature. It was a very strange moment when we realized this. And I cannot wait for her to have babies so I can knit them ridiculous hats and spoil them rotten.

I think that having to work together on the farm helped to bring all of us siblings closer together, if only because it’s easier to work with a friend than it is with an enemy. Happy talking makes the work go faster.

I’m not sure my parents have had any effect on our relationships, past making us apologize to each other when we were at each other’s throats. Oh, and providing a happy and stable home life and shaping our personalities and encouraging us to get along and all that jazz. We’re just generally happy people, I guess, except when we’re not.

What do your friends, spouses, and other close people in your life think of it?

I’m not sure. My friends are all still pretty close to their families, so I suppose it all seems normal to them.

If you’re an only child, what are your opinions about sibling relationships?

Not applicable, but as much as I love my brothers, there are times when I wished I was an only child. Dear god, they can be annoying. And then I remember that I do love them an awful lot, and if one of them disappeared off the face of the earth, it would be . . . I can’t even explain how awful it would be. Middle-brother’s car was struck on the passenger’s side by a UPS truck last year. He was perfectly fine, but the car looked a mess. When I saw the damage, I felt like someone had punched me in the throat. And he’s the brother I don’t like all that much.

If you were me, only smarter, what question would you have asked that I haven’t?

I will take this chance to write a random anecdote. My mom and I were watching some show like 20/20 or 60 Minutes, and one of the anchor/hosts/thingummies said something about six member household being a “very large family,” and something about extra kids. Mom rolled her eyes and said, “Funny, I never thought four kids was too many. It always felt just right to me.” And, yeah, I’d say she’s right. There was always enough love to go around, even if we are a loud, competitive, argumentative family. Squabbling is a way to express love, dammit.

18

We are not close at all - in fact, we go months without hearing from one another. Even more so that she’s moved to Colorado. I think the last time I spoke with my sister was the first time in a year or so. She happened to pick up the phone at our mom’s, criticized me on my new car choice, then basically said good-bye.

As for why? We’re very different. She was Ms. Popular at school, and I was the nerdy and socially akward kid that everyone always picked on. Usually she bailed me out if she was around. She’s a hardcore drama queen, and I’m usually at the eye of a category 5 drama hurricane. It seems to happen all around me, but not to me. She’s fair, hazel eyes, freckles, curly hair; I’m olive skinned, brown eyes, dark very straight hair. We’re both at polar ends, but the same in some ways - we both have a tattoo to express that. As soon as I turned 18, we went out and both got a green (for me) and purple (for her) yin-yang. It’s the only way you can tell we’re related, and about the only thing we have in common. Purple isn’t her favorite color anymore. Green is still mine. Yet another telling thing about both our personalities.

We hated each other growing up. She’s 7 years older than me; my bio father (with whom I have no contact) adopted her. For this reason I think she has some weird jealousy issue that wouldn’t normally exist in kids this far apart in age. We can tolerate each other as adults for a while anyways. We run out of common ground to talk about in a day or so.

My mom copes with the both of us as well as she can. :smiley:

My husband understands where I’m coming from (he’s not particularly close to some of his siblings either - which is both an understatement and a whole Pit thread unto itself.)

19

Not close. At all. My brothers are/were ten and eleven years older than I am. The younger of the two killed himself almost a year ago, and I barely miss him. That might sound horrifyingly callous to some of you, but the fact is he was virtually a stranger. I can hardly even remember when my brothers were living at home with me and our parents (each left home at 18).

Relatively speaking (ha), I was closer to the younger one. We hadn’t seen each other in almost 15 years, but we exchanged polite emails a few times a year, and occasionally Christmas and/or birthday gifts. But he was not a major presence in my life and there is no real void to speak of now.

The remaining brother’s idea of communication is to forward me spam emails (jokes, etc.,) every single day, usually raunchy and heterosexually-themed (which goes to show how little he knows about me); I’ve taken to just deleting them without reading. He’s a decent and pleasant enough guy, but not someone I would choose for a friend in a million years. I’m not sure it’s possible for two people to have less in common. As far as I’m concerned, coincidence of parentage does not confer any obligation to pursue or maintain a relationship that you get nothing out of, nor can it force you to feel something you don’t feel.

20

I’m the youngest of five girls, and I’m not close with any of my sisters. Of course, they’re 9-14 years older than me, so that might explain it, but I can’t stand most of them and I’m sure the feeling is mutual.

The oldest one and I get along ok, but we rarely talk because we have little in common and our schedules differ. We e-mail a few times a year. (Pathetic, now that I think about it. I should call her, and I’ll get around to it soon.) I haven’t seen any of my sisters in at least three years, and I doubt that I will until there’s a significant family funeral.