Your tales of run-ins with sociopaths/psychopaths

[Pantastic]

@Wesley_Clark

That sounds more like Narcissistic personality disorder than sociopathy. The cluster B personality disorders are hell for the people around them (as well as the person suffering sometimes, especially people with BPD). A sociopath would be indifferent to their kids, a narcissist would use their kids as props to fuel their own ego. That is my impression.

Yeah, it’s common to use ‘psychopath’ or ‘sociopath’ as a generic term for a broad range of ‘crazy’ types, but there’s actually a lot of difference in the various disorders and how they manifest. I dated someone who I’m pretty sure had severe, unchecked Borderline Personality Disorder, and it was a wild ride. BPD basically makes it so that a person doesn’t really develop their own distinct personality, a lot of their emotional understanding gets stuck at a childlike level, and their emotions are extremely intense (like 3rd degree burns), and they develop some really extreme and strange coping mechanisms for it.

In practice, it meant that anything could set off a flaming-hot, days-long shouting argument. She got furious at me one time for telling her that she should do whatever works for her and not worry about me (she decided I was being controlling by implying that without my approval she wouldn’t be able to make the decision). She blew up over things like me making dinner but not the side she wanted, what an item on a menu meant, me asking her what she didn’t like about a plan she wanted to cancel, how to fold laundry, turning off some unused speakers, and me leaving her alone when she asked me to go away (I was supposed to know she didn’t really mean it). And it wasn’t just blowing up over small things briefly and then forgetting it, every single dispute was a Relationship Threatening Issue and she would use extremely aggressive argument tactics (interrupting, demanding answers, nitpicking word choice, and of course shouting) because she felt that if she didn’t win then it would All Be Over.

Projection is a (attributing what you want/do to the other person) really common defense mechanism and meant that I’d often come to her to talk about a problem and she’d preempt me by accusing me doing the thing she did. It also meant that she would decide that the problems were never the result of anything she did, it was all something I was doing wrong. Similar to that, there were a number of times where she would be in a bad mood, and then would keep asking me why I was in a bad mood until the constant questioning got me into a bad mood, then use my now-ruined mood as proof that I was lying when I said I was fine. Push-pull behavior like “I hate you I’m breaking up with you, oh my God I love you how can you walk away from me” is routine for people with BPD, and she did it a lot (I think we had a dozen and a half ‘break up for day or three then get back together’ incidents before the last one). Her mood would also flip at a moments notice, you never knew if you were going to get the fun, silly girl who you loved, or the raging harridan who said you were terrible and shouted at you.

Until I had the experience, I didn’t realize mental illness could be contagious, but the combined effect of lack of sleep (she loved to argue late at night when I had work), frequent argument (and constant preparation for it), gaslighting and projection, push/pull games, and everything else really messed with my head. I started doubting my memory and wondering if I was doing stuff and not remembering it, I would be unpleasant around other people because I was always braced for an argument, I would get mad at little things because all of my reserves were gone, and in a lot of ways I lost sight of exactly where the boundary between us was.

[carnivorousplant]

Folding laundry is pretty darn important to women in my experience.

[Qadgop_the_Mercotan]

Every day at work.

I used to tell stories about it here, but someone always accuses me of violating HIPAA when I do (it’s not a HIPAA violation) so I gave up on it.

[Pantastic]

@carnivorousplant

Folding laundry is pretty darn important to women in my experience.

She folds by dumping it into one big pile, then grabbing individual items from the pile and folding each as it comes. I fold by sorting the big pile into smaller piles, then go through each smaller pile so I’m repeating the same action over and over. We were folding together, but my small piles infuriated her, as picking single items from sorted piles was Not Acceptable for some reason. When I attempted to talk about it and find a possible sort/fold scheme that would work for both of us, she cut me off halfway through my first sentence by shouting that I didn’t care about her or her preferences at all and that I was being an insensitive prick, then proceeded to ‘sleep in the other room and occasionally come out to shout’ mode for the next few days.

So, yeah, dismiss it as me not understanding what’s ‘important to women’ if you want, but having a giant ragesplosion over whether to sort laundry before folding it is NOT reasonable behavior, and NOT my fault. (Especially since I was the only one with a job and did about 80% of the housework at the time, I actually ended up with a neater house and less chores to do after she moved out).

[spamforbrains]

I don’t think I’ve ever had a run-in with a sociopath, but I mostly hang out with scientists and dog people, where the weirdness tends towards the autistic spectrum, not sociopathy. I believe sociopath types tend to go into business (CEOs), law, crime, and politics, where manipulating and controlling people is par for the course.

if you don’t deal with criminals, cooks, or lawyers on a regular basis you’ll probably see less than the statistics of the general population would indicate.

[Skywatcher]

Some dude tried to pick a fight with me simply because I accidentally elbowed him while doing my job. I was working outside a grocery store at the time, helping customers carry bags from cart to car. Didn’t even know that jackass was behind me.

[digs]

@nearwildheaven

Why would speeches about your grandfather exist and be in writing? Was he a politician or some other public figure?

@Nava

He was a soccer referee for over 65 years. While he didn’t referee for all that time (eventually he became an “evaluator” and worked at the ref’s office), you don’t have to be running up and down a field to count as one.

But why were there all these speeches made about him? And important enough that someone spent the time to sit down and transcribe them? Do refs or “evaluators” get big dinners thrown in their honor or something? My dad was a “pillar of the community” but never had speeches made praising him (let alone having someone write them down).

Also curious that you thought “Oh, he was a ref” was an answer to the question… is this a European thing, where it’s obvious to you that there’d be big televised spectacles with speeches about soccer refs?

But so sorry that for whatever reason you have to re-read those speeches. I worked for a sociopath and can imagine a little of what that’d be like.

[Lumpy]

@Annie-Xmas

People who don’t get that everything doesn’t revolve around them, that the way they see things is the only way, and that people have a right to do things any other way but their way.

Sounds like some board members here.

[Sam_Lowry]

I just finished reading the Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson, it was fascinating, it’s not an in-depth book but I recommend it to anyone who is interested in the general psychology of it. I’m fortunate enough to not have any memorable run-ins with psychopaths though.

@digs

But why were there all these speeches made about him? And important enough that someone spent the time to sit down and transcribe them? Do refs or “evaluators” get big dinners thrown in their honor or something? My dad was a “pillar of the community” but never had speeches made praising him (let alone having someone write them down).

Also curious that you thought “Oh, he was a ref” was an answer to the question… is this a European thing, where it’s obvious to you that there’d be big televised spectacles with speeches about soccer refs?

But so sorry that for whatever reason you have to re-read those speeches. I worked for a sociopath and can imagine a little of what that’d be like.

I assumed she meant someone saying “oh you’re X’s granddaughter? He was such a great man and inspiration to me…” and going on and on after that. Or the equivalent in email. Something in polite conversation that would be hard to shut down without you sounding like the crazy one.

[Nava]

@digs

But why were there all these speeches made about him? And important enough that someone spent the time to sit down and transcribe them? Do refs or “evaluators” get big dinners thrown in their honor or something? My dad was a “pillar of the community” but never had speeches made praising him (let alone having someone write them down).

I haven’t said anything about television, that’s you.

And there were homages to him for his 50 years, and his 55, and his 60, and his 65. And medals and plaques made up specially. From the other referees. Professional association honoring its longest-standing member (not just locally and country-wide, but as far as they knew, worldwide).

The first few times, transcripts of the speeches were published exclusively in the ref’s own bulletins, but the bulletins eventually moved to a webpage. I think they don’t even publish them on paper any more. And people (other referees, soccer aficionados) will see them and remark on them and read bits and pieces, because hey, 65 years as a referee. He probably could have been in the Guiness Book of Records, if he had cared to. Often the people remarking don’t even know we’re family, the shared lastname is my second (I use it as little as possible, since the first one is already a mouthful) and is so common that nobody will think to ask “hey, would you two be family?” It’s a Smith kind of lastname. And those who do know we’re family, as Sam Lowry said: if I said “well, actually he was an abusive jerk” I’m the one who sounds crazy.

[JohnT]

@madmonk28

My sister’s live in boyfriend stalked and harassed her after they broke up. Finally, he started dating another woman. One day, he found a breakup note his new girlfriend had written, but not yet given him. He strangled her as she slept and he is currently serving life in a Virginia prison.

Sorry to hear about your sister.

[Annie-Xmas]

@nearwildheaven

Just curious: Did that agent also steal from the company, and hide his tracks exceptionally well? Sociopaths are often very good at that.

No, because I had set up a system where that would be impossible. He did tell me once that someone was coming into the office with a great amount of cash and not to give them a receipt. I said I do not do business that way, the office does not do business that way, and he had better never ask me to do that again.

Another time one of his customers brought in a great deal of cash, and he told me to make several receipts with different dates on them, and all for under $10K. I told him I wouldn’t do that, and had him make the receipts himself. Later the customer went to prison for stealing people’s credit cards, and using them to get cash.

[digs]

Thanks for the explanation, Nava. I hate not having the whole story, and often on this board people don’t return to clarify comments. The backstory makes it chillingly real-- I feel for you.