Your teenager tells you they want to change gender. How do you respond?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I learned about two and a half years ago that my son was no longer my son, but now my daughter. He was 14 at the time. It came completely out of the blue. As a separated father, I have my kids on weekends. My ex informed me that my son who is no longer my son had something very important to tell me. I thought he was going to tell me that he is gay, and I would have been completely fine with that. Completely.

When he told me he was really a female trapped in a male body it was surprising as, like I said, I had no clue based upon the signs and signals from his upbringing.

The transgender thing was a real blow. Suddenly everything that I had planned and imagined was completely wrong. At first I sort of went through the five stages of grief that people go through when a loved one dies. Not all of the steps manifested themselves, but it’s a similar process.

Denial

  • Maybe it’s just a fad. Maybe the marriage separation has been difficult on him and maybe he will come around after a few months and realize he was just confused by what he was reading on the internet, or something.

Anger

  • No. I never felt any anger. I knew this wasn’t something he chose for himself; who would ever choose this lifestyle knowing the backlash and ramifications. I felt no anger at all since it was not something that he was in control of; he was born that way.

Bargaining

  • No. No bargaining. I knew there was no way to even think about bargaining my way, his way, out of this at all.

Depression

  • Yes. Absolutely. Not only had my marriage just failed, but now I’m being informed that my son is some kind of freak who will be an embarrassment to me and my family, and family name forever. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone about this, and keeping it bottled up inside was torture. I had to put on a brave face and go about all my regular activities, friends, work, society, life, and don’t dare reveal any chinks in the armour.

Acceptance

  • After months of stewing it over I started to tell friends. My friends are the greatest friends in the world and were totally understanding. I met another couple who had gone through it recently. Everyone was so accepting and understanding.
    Then I finally broke down one late August afternoon when my mum was visiting with me and my sister and laid it all on the line. And you know what? Again total understanding and acceptance. This is what finally made me realize that maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

I was raised by two very, extremely, great parents. I had no idea how great they were until I started reading here, and on the internet, how difficult some parents made life for their kids. My parents were very hands off, and very much encouraged my (and my siblings) independence. That probably deserves its own thread.

So, to answer the OP, my reaction was one of calmness, understanding, and a message that I completely understood that this was in no way a choice, and that he would be my child forever and would have my support forever. We were both pretty teary-eyed as we hugged and promised one another of our eternal love.

She is now undergoing hormone therapy, after about a year of psychiatric assessment to really ensure this was for real, and not a passing fad, all covered by provincial insurance. The Ontario government also covers the costs of surgery, which is something she wants. Not all transgendered people want the surgery: she does.

42

How unbelievably dismissive, invalidating and quite honestly cruel this response, and the others like it in this thread, feel. I can all too well imagine what a child, after screwing up the courage to talk to a parent about this subject, would feel after receiving a response of this type.

43

Do you pay for coffins?

44

I’d sent them to a good therapist. If they really do want to change I’d tell them that when they hit eighteen they can start the paperwork for any surgery or hormonal treatment, but they will be paying for it themselves.

The money would be the real test of certainty.

45

That’s not true. Because a newly minted 18 year old doesn’t have access to thousands of dollars or excellent insurance is evidence of insincerity?

We’re not talking about wanting a convertible that little Johnny has to earn himself.

If after appropriate therapy your child and therapist are comfortable agreeing this is a real situation, you end with a final fiscal test of real sincerity?

I just don’t get it.

46

I can feel the love of parent for child… :rolleyes:

47

You really have no understanding of this subject, do you?

48

If your teenager was diagnosed with diabetes, would you withhold treatment for that until they were 18, too? Insulin is pretty expensive these days…

49

I was somewhat flippant in my first reply, and I see now that it may have come across in a different way than I intended.

What I was going for was loving support, coupled with generic disinterest (as in, not making any sort of big deal about it). Reading it again, it looks like rejection.

So, real answer: I’d offer love, support, do my best to use correct pronouns if asked, and be my childs advocate in whatever way they needed.