Your theories on why History Channel scrapped the JFK miniseries (or, what exactly is their brand?)

History Channel spent millions on an 8 part miniseries about the Kennedy family starring Greg Kinnear as JFK, Katie Holmes as Jackie, and Barry Pepper as RFK. They have now decided not to air it on History Channel because “While the film is produced and acted with the highest quality, after viewing the final product in its totality, we have concluded this dramatic interpretation is not a fit for the History [Channel] brand.”

I don’t like to name drop but I have an astral friend who is a well placed entity on some of their sets. His (or her- it’s hard to tell and rude to ask a spectral entity’s gender) comments, which I trust but haven’t confirmed:

*The CGI ancient astronauts who caused JFK to get involved with the space race were deemed historically inaccurate (the real ancient astronauts were blue and fuzzy, not yellow and scaly)

*The actor playing Nostradamus in the scenes predicting the RFK assassination never really got a handle on the part

*The frustration at not being able to get the shadow’s right when they changed JFK’s Lincoln Continental to a big rig and added ice to Dealey Plaza in the Zapruder film

*Barry Pepper, in complete and unprofessional and lawsuit worthy violation of his contract, used his Kennedy’s line “Well Rooster, I am shot to pieces” in his other project, True Grit, thus killing its impact when RFK says it

The biggest shame is that by all accounts the Bay of Pigs incident featured some of Big Hoss and Chumlee’s best acting to date. (“Chumlee IS Castro and Big Hoss IS Guevara” is how my source put it.)

Have you heard anything or have any speculation on how it didn’t fit their brand?

I read on some message board somewhere that it was Ted Kennedy’s tumor.
Too soon?

An insufficient Hitler Quotient, or HQ, calls any History Channel project into question.

I don’t know and can’t imagine, what they mean.

But, damn, if you can’t get it on the freaking History Channel, (who regularly air The Da Vinci Code!), how much did you screw with the facts?

They failed to predict his return in 2012…via alien spacecraft.

Kidding aside - didn’t they decide it sucked and their press release was a diplomatic way of moving on? Kinda like scheduling a movie release for January - you’re not saying it is a clunker but you are releasing it into the Dead Zone*?
*that was the intent with The Green Hornet, since it had been a troubled production for years…it may turn out to do well, since it is getting decent buzz, but that wasn’t the intent with the release date…

Perhaps Jackie is now portrayed as a nun brought into be the governess of the Kennedy kids.

Looking at the imdb listing, Sinatra and Giancana are characters but there’s not a listing for Marilyn Monroe or Judith Campbell, so they apparently went easy on the infidelities that are perhaps the best known part of the JFK legend to people born after his assassination.

If sucking was their concern they wouldn’t have cast Greg Kinnear.

That’s it. There wasn’t enough screwing with the facts. No aliens, no ghosts and no freaky religious cabals, therefore not History Channely enough.

Perhaps you were looking for some made up conspiracy theory, but according to an article I came across two of the Kennedies objected and had enough friends in high places to have it pulled. Or perhaps you wanted to know why the Kennedies wanted it pulled?

Nah, they quit being the Luftwaffe Channel a long time ago.

They didn’t want their connections to the ancient aliens exposed.

I wonder why the Kennedys would much care. If there’s anybody on Earth who doesn’t know that JFK and RFK and their siblings were scions of a family whose fortune and fame and power came from bootlegging and political machines and that all the men in the family were world class horndogs and all the women fertile as alley cats and that the family’s had many scandals then they don’t know enough about the Kennedys to watch the miniseries anyway, and I doubt it delves into any kind of intricate or speculative political scandal.

Yeah, these days, I think it’s an insufficient Nostradamus Quotient.

The frustration was somewhat mitigated by the price the limo got at the pawn shop.

“Honestly I’m not even sure how I’m gonna market this. I mean yeah, it’s got historical value, but let’s face it, there’s chunks of brain on the seat and it’s gonna take ten or twelve thousand just to get it cleaned up and in good running order and then it might just sit there for a couple of years… Luckily I have a buddy who’s an expert at rebuilding cars that have been involved in the public murder of Irish Catholic heads of state and also arrowheads so let me get him down here and take a look at it.”

Meh, you could’ve gotten more for it at Sotheby’s.

I saw it and even 3D and Cameron Diaz couldn’t save it from being as bad as the TV series was. Nonetheless, I had a some fun.

Maybe it was unrelentingly mean to them like the Reagan miniseries was allegedly to Reagan. If they make the main characters totally unsympathetic and they are liked by the public then who is going to want to run their commercials on the show?

That’s probably the best thing I’ll read all week. Bravo.

And Monsters. Don’t forget the Monsters.