I’m not sure whether this goes here or in General Questions. I wish there were a straight up answer, but I think I’m mostly going to get opinions. I won’t be to upset if mods move it, though.
Here goes:
This is actually the big thing I’ve kinda wondered all my life, but I’ve just started to be able to put into words, since I’ve been working on the fact that it’s a big part of why I can’t sleep well. I feel like my thinking brain, who never wants to sleep, because there’s so much to get done, and my personality, which needs rest after a day of interacting with other people, are at war for my headspace much of the time.
Just as one single example, I have synesthesia, and my goddam brain wants to spend hours wondering about the connections between the number 4 and the letter H because they are both yellow, and if that will somehow unlock secrets of the universe, and I’m shouting “Shut the fuck up! who cares! go to sleep!”
That’s a really minor example. My brain spends a lot of time on things like wondering why it can see the spider without LSD-- or just seeing the spider, and being happily and proudly freaked out about it, while I roll my eyes, and wonder how my brain ever even got potty-trained. I’m ashamed of how immature it is.
Then there are times my brain writes entire novels (I have written 12). They are not good enough to publish, but my brain insists on writing them anyway. It’s another thing we do instead of sleeping.
My personality has plotted the murder of my brain on more than one occasion, and desperately wishes it were possible to die temporarily.
The pandemic has really knocked us for a loop, because I used to be able to get my body tired enough during the day to take my brain out, but it’s not happening any more.
And yes, when I talk to myself, I use the plural pronoun. I’ve done that my whole life.
To be absolutely clear, though, I am not talking about having anything like a dissociative identity disorder. I don’t go be different names, lose time, or find that I’ve put things away in the wrong places. I just talk to myself a lot, and it almost always ends up in an argument.
I simply cannot power down. I’m describing it like I am, because that’s my subjective experience, but I’m sure there are a lot of people who would just call it a lack of willpower. “Turn off the light, lie down, go to sleep.” But I can’t. I mean, sometimes I do, but it doesn’t last. It’s 2:33am right now. I slept from 8:30-10, and midnight-1:30, more or less. I might catch a little sleep between 6am & 8am, especially if I take medicine. That’ll probably be it for the night.
My brain is 12 pages into a new novel, just drew a pattern for a sewing project, and would like to start lesson plans for Hebrew school, which begins on the 30th. I haven’t even received all my materials, so doing my lesson plans now means huge revisions later, by my brain has a big itch to do them anyway.
I feel like I’m trying to talk myself down from a ledge.
Does anyone else experience their brain as a parasite, or am I a freak?