If the drinks are free anyone from mothers side of the clan. Just about every last one are Olympic level drunks who could make a crowd of rowdy soccer fans say “Dude - slow it down already”,
Once upon a time, it would have been my mother, then I carried the torch for a little while.
None of us really drink much anymore though. We’re completely boring these days.
Gotta say, that would be me as well. But only because the rest of my family is boring as hell.
I’ve never seen any of my family drunk. And I don’t drink at all.
Dad’s side of the family, no one. There’s alcohol but no one over-imbibes, the yearly reunion is fun but nothing crazy happens. Mom’s side of the family, hard to pick the winner between the alcoholics, weedies, and smackers. Reunions are pretty much based on who died. But Aunt DeeDee with her gallon of wine a day, is usually out front in that running I guess.
Me. I’m surprised they still invite me.
Nobody in my family. We don’t have alcohol at family get-togethers, although we are not tee totalers.
No one. Maybe some third cousin that I barely know, but no one I’m close to. We’re very boring.
By default, it would have to be me, since effectively no one else in my family drinks more than about 6 glasses of wine and 3-4 beers per year, plus or minus, and most of them less than that.
Generally, of people who normally come to parties, my second-oldest brother is the only one who gets sloppy/maudlin drunk.
He’s not around much these days, but when he did my heroin-addict nephew could make a splash.
Oldest brother. Drunk and belligerent, with a penchant for wandering off in a pissed sulk and “getting mugged” (drunkenly leaving his wallet in whatever bar he found). Then phoning everyone to get us all worried and worked up, while not telling us where he is so we can’t go find him.
I love family holidays 
I come from a long line of professional drinkers, no one becomes a ‘sloppy mess’ on a regular basis but everyone gets rip-roaringly drunk. The only time a fight has broken out was when some non-family attended and they tried to keep up, starting an argument that quickly got out of hand. They weren’t invited back.
Youngest sis. She’ll start the day with bloody marys and keep going with whatever thru the day. She’s not a mean drunk, but she’s definitely loud and rowdy. However, she is smart enough not to drive in that state.
My bro could be a close second, altho as he’s gotten older, he’s not as bad. My mom can put some away also.
Personally, I don’t understand their need to drink. I’m not anti-alcohol and I’ll have wine or a mixed drink on occasion, but they seem to think if you don’t have a drink in your hand, you’re not having any fun. Fortunately, everyone seems to have finally accepted that I don’t want to drink, thanks.
My dad. Once he peed in a vase thinking it was the toilet.
Me, but that’s because I’m probably the only “drinker” in my family, and “sloppy mess” more realistically means “sitting out back with a cigar and avoiding everyone else because I’m feeling pretty mellow.”
Meanwhile, the rest of them will be sitting around a table looking at coupons.
We are not an exciting family.
That would be Aunt Carol. At the last get together she was downing shots of Patrón. She finally fell backwards off a low stone wall and passed out.
Aunt Carol is 82!!
Sister Kate. But, hey, if you drink straight vodka and then make yourself puke, you don’t get drunk, right? And she’s never wrong, so it’s justified that she’s a sloppy mess, right?
The fun starts when when one of them quotes OReilly. From then on, it’s hysterical.
(But who can turn down dinner and a show?)
Up until he got sick and died 5 years ago, my stepfather would have been the easy winner in our family. He got drunk on a regular basis, and would keep on drinking once he was drunk.
My father and stepmother used to drink a fair amount, but always held their liquor pretty well, and knew when to ease off. At any rate, my dad’s 90 and isn’t the drinker he used to be. My mother’s in her late 80s and doesn’t drink more than a couple of glasses of wine at a time nowadays.
In my generation, these days we mostly have light drinkers and teetotalers. My stepsister used to knock 'em back when she was in her 20s, but that was 30 years ago. I think her husband and I would currently be the ones in our family most likely to get mildly sloshed, but ‘mildly’ is definitely the operative word.
We just don’t have anyone anymore who is at all likely to make a drunken, sloppy mess of themselves. I’m OK with that.
My sister-in-law. She has two kids under 4, though, and we’d have to wait til they’re in bed. I’d kind of thought she might slow the boozing down since she got married and had the babies, but she and her husband seem to try to keep up with one another. This woman was 5 hours late to our noon wedding since she was so hung over from the night before, and who I saw quite regularly drinking throughout her pregnancies… Yeah, some warning signs there.