Heck. Warn the French about von Bismark, and help them assassinate him before he starts the Franco-Prussian war! 20th century history, who needs it anyway?
I can’t resist providing a free sample John DiFool, I would arrange huge gatherings at specific times like - Dec 26, 2004 Phuket, Sept 11, 2001 World Trade Centre, Jan 12, 2010 Haiti. Of course I would have to choose a new name each time or people would start to realize that an invitation from me was a death sentence.
For the Haiti gathering, wanna simultaneously be a dick and a hero? Make the event a Tea Party Movement gathering for just the most radical TPers. Kill hundreds of innocent people, [Ko-ko] whose loss would be a distinct gain for society. [/Ko-ko]
Sounds like a ‘Timescape’ idea - make money and be a dick 
Nice. But I’d do it in 1948, when he ran for President as a segregation-lovin’ Dixiecrat; his daughter was already 23 by then: Essie Mae Washington-Williams - Wikipedia
Everyone with a time machine ends up doing that eventually.
I say pictograms and cave paintings of the Tardis.
I’d go back to June 7, 2011, and at precisely 3:49 PM post a thread in MPSIMS that asked “You’re a Dick With a Time Machine-what do you do?”
(Assuming I could take multiple trips, of course.)
You’re right. I’ve read two stories including that theme. One is Douglas Adams’ “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency”
If I’m a dick with a time machine, I travel through time picking up female companions, impressing them with my time machine, and having as much sex with them as possible. I arrive moments before a certain event (to which I know the outcome) is about to happen and seriously impress them by seeming to resolve the thing myself.
Wait. That sounds at least slightly familiar.
I’d brush the spiderweb away from the mouth of the cave.
I’d send Jimmy Carter two videos and a few newspapers commenting about the videos a week before these two debacles.
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The “malasie speech.” And he never said the word malasie (July 1979).
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His debate with Ronald Reagan (October 1980).
And yeah, I voted for him both times, without regret.
I’d make sure neither Roosevelt survived their assassins’ attempts. It would make American history…interesting.
In the case of Franklin Delano, I thought the consensus was that it was Mayor Cermak of Chicago who was the target all along.
Spend a bit of time on Google first, then go back about 20 years and win the lottery. At the press conference, loudly announce that Almighty Satan gave me the winning numbers. Then win the lottery again, thanks to Satan. Repeat. A Lot.
Use lottery winnings to invest in big companies like Dell and Google before their IPO. Again thanks to Satan.
Watch fundamentalists heads explode.
I’d also strangle Stephanie Meyer before she ever wrote anything. Not really a dick move, but just seems like a really good idea.
I would do something pretty close to this. Put saddles on dinosaur skeletons, and skeletons of men on the saddles. Also, scatter some old cars in the Jurassic period.
I would add a new Commandment – Thou Shalt Keep Slaves, or Be One. Not enough slavery in modern times, IMHO.
I would amend the old Commandments.
- Worship Every God Anyone Tells You About. Draw Pictures of Them.
- Pay No Attention to Your Parents.
3, Kill Liberally and Often. - Fuck Your Neighbors and Their Wives
- A Little White Lie Never Hurt Anyone. Big Lies Are Even Better.
- Take What You Want.
- You Didn’t See NOTHIN’!!
That’ll do.
I’d travel into the future, tell them that I’m a historian from even *further *into the future, then, having thus gained their trust, use the opportunity to steal a bunch of future tech that I can bring back to the past to claim as my own inventions.
I guess I’d first have to go back in time to stop them from making the Star Trek episode where this happens, so no one in the future gets suspicious. Maybe by explaining to the writers that their antagonist’s plan makes no goddamn sense. . .
- Snitches Get Stitches.
There’s really only 2 commandments you need.
- Thou Shalt.
- Thou shalt not get caught.
I’d go rent a room in the little town of Bethlehem during the census of Rome. Then when a couple shows up with a lady about to have a kid, I’d let them have my room and go stay in the stable. Then if some wise guys show up with some presents looking for a newborn I’d say, “Oh he was just here. You can leave your things right here and go get something to eat down the road.” I’m not sure how much frankincense and myrrh is worth, but what does a carpenter need with them?
You, sir, are clearly an anarchist. I prefer my civilization to be destroyed in a more orderly manner.