Besides the hand-picked and trained groupies?
A personal barista for my Latte needs before the show, and ample supplies of Milkis for after it.
I want two chefs each of various cooking styles. I expect daily visits by two masseurs, and weekly visits by two hairstylists and two pedicurists. One of the pair will attend me, and the other, my dog.
I must be permitted to drive MYSELF to and from all functions in either a Mercedes SLK350 Roadster or a Mercedes SL65 AMG. I do not like most other people’s driving, and I don’t want to have to put up with it. If need be, I’ll drive myself within a block of the function, get into a limo and then be dropped off on the red carpet.
Bathroom humor (ESPECIALLY fart jokes), Monty Python and the Holy Grail quotes, overused Simpsons quotes, and overused men and woman are different jokes will not be tolerated in my presence.
Yelling or loud, obnoxious talking is not allowed within 100 feet of me. People must speak in a calm, pleasant tone when in my presence.
I require a closed-off, sound-proof dressing room with its own bathroom and a comfortable couch or bed. There must also be a large bathtub with a variety of soaps, oils, and salts. And a bidet.
I require a bottle each of Paul Mitchell shampoo one, Paul Mitchell awapuhi shampoo, and Paul Mitchell: The detangler.
Bean burritos with NO cheese and NO onions.
ICE COLD Coca-cola classic.
I don’t know. Seems fairly reasonable to me.
:dubious: Not that I’ve given this much though but;
**Madd Maxx’s ** Tour Waiver
Rooms: There will be three (3) separate rooms available for Madd Maxx (here after known as The Star.) All rooms will be kept at between 65 and 73 degrees F with a relative humidity of 50%:
- Lounge: to be no smaller than 25’ x 25’. Furnishings; will have one couch, two recliners, one coffee table and a separate table(s) set up to the side to hold food & drinks (see Food & Drink for more information). One 50”+ HDTV television, a surround sound system of at least 1000 watts, DirecTV satellite service (between Labor Day and Valentines Day DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket will also be available.), a PlayStation 3 with at least 4 wireless controllers, the most current versions of Gran Tourismo and EA Sports’ NFL Madden video game for the PS 3, a desk with three office chairs and three computers networked together with T1+ speed internet access. The Star likes to post to message boards while on the road.
- Bedroom: to be no smaller than 15’ x 15’ and accessible from both the lounge and bathroom/changing room. Furnishings; will have one king size bed with new clean sheets, 3 king size pillows, a bedside table with a lamp, alarm clock and a box of condoms. Two comfortable chairs and a small table will be set up in one part of the room and a HDTV television will be set up to be viewed from the bed. The Star needs his beauty rest.
- Bathroom/Changing Room: A separate shower stall and soaking tub will be available in the bathroom for The Star. There will be 6 unopened rolls of Northern Quilted toilet paper and one unopened box of baby wipes in the bathroom. There will also be one unopened bottle of Johnson & Johnson baby powder in the changing room area. Leather pants are both hot and difficult to get into but make The Star’s ass look good.
Food & Drink: In the Lounge there will be a buffet table with the following:
- One New York Style Cheesecake with no fruit topping.
- 2 gallons of Turkey Hill Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey.
- 2 750mL bottles of Captain Morgan’s Private Stock Rum.
- 1 750mL bottle of Jack Daniels Bourbon.
- 24 cans of Coke Zero chilled.
- 2 cases Deer Park Spring Water.
- 2 bags of Hershey’s Miniatures sorted by type. (Special Dark, Mr. Goodbar etc.)
- 2 dozen Three Mile Island style Buffalo wings from Hooter’s. 6 celery stalks cleaned, quartered, and chilled on the side. One jar of extra chunky Bleu Cheese dressing on the side. To be served by two attractive dark haired servers from Hooters in uniform. Must be obviously “qualified” for employment at said restaurant. Junk in the trunk is acceptable and encouraged.
- One new unused acrylic water pipe (bong) with stainless steel screens and three ashtrays.
- Caesar salad to serve at least 6 people.
- 6 Pit Beef sandwiches on Kaiser rolls with barbeque sauce and horseradish on the side.
- All food will be served in regular stoneware dishes with silverware. NO paper plates or plastic flatware will be used with the exception of one plastic spork to be left in the bedroom by the bed.
- 12 Prilosec OTC pills in an unopened box.
- 3 cans of Reddi-Whip whipped cream and one bottle of Hershey’s Chocolate syrup.
Alias, you should check out the Mercedes Benz SLR McLaren. If you are going to drive yourself, you might as well go all the way.
I’d read the Snopes thing about Van Halen’s M&M provision before, and I think it’s a really, really good idea. An amazingly simple and effective means of ensuring that the venue has done its due diligence.
With that in mind, my dressing room must have the horn of a narwhal hanging on the wall.
ILMAO
If I don’t get my Nessie steaks, boiled in chupacabra milk and served in plate made from kiln-baked moon mud, I walk.