You're a superstar diva, what's your crazy demands?

In My Humble Opinion
1

If you became a superstar (or if you happen to be one already), what crazy, unreasonable demands would you make?

I’d require a champagne glass full of red M&M’s in my dressing room or I’m not performing. They must be red, they must be genuine M&M brand, and they must be in a champagne flute - a wine goblet isn’t going to cut it. 95% of the time I won’t even touch them but if there not there, I’m not going on stage. Also, if the crew has photo-badges, I’d require the badges be flipped over in my presence so the pictures aren’t looking at me. I can’t stand the eyes.

2

Please track down the last remaining boxes of Peach Fruit and Fibre, and serve it to me after having removed all of the raisins. Make sure that the peaches and oat clusters are left in, but if I see any raisins, I’m walking. It must be served with ice-cold skim milk in a bowl that isn’t too shallow and isn’t too deep - please consult my manager for examples.

3

In addition to my regular dressing room, I want a room devoid of furniture except for a mahogany pedstal on which there must be an 8x10 gold-framed picture of Irene Ryan in a 1920’s bathing outfit. There should be a 300 watt yellow spotlight mounted on the ceiling shining down on the picture. On the floor in front of the pedestal should 150 Cheez-its in the form of an arrow pointing at the pedestal.

If the Cheez-its aren’t set point to point, there’ll be hell to pay.

4

I need a bucketful of Percodan, a supply of absinthe-flavored lipgloss (not imitation absinthe, my delicate lips know the difference), a hot tub filled with cotton candy and warm Jell-O, and ten Mathew St. Patrick lookalikes to lick the cotton candy residue off my sticky, slithery self.

And I need it NOW.

5

  1. I want three cases of peanut M&Ms in six glass fishbowls, sorted by color. This purifies the taste. NO EXCEPTIONS.

  2. I want the toppings from a Papa John’s Hawaiian Bacon Bar-B-Q pizza on a stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut. NO EXCEPTIONS!

  3. All lists should be composed of at least three items; traditionally, the third item shall always be a greeting to a woman named Opal. NO EXCEPTIONS.

  4. *Kneel * before moi. **NO ** EXCEPTIONS.

  5. All my water must be extracted from the purified unpolluted frigid permafrost of Antarctica and flown across international waters to me weekly. NO EXCEPTIONS!!

  6. Henceforth all my French Fries must come from L’Acadamie D’Art de Cuisine and all my hamburgers from Hamburg. NO EXCEPTIONS.

6

Large tub of Vegemite, a spoon, and a loaded Glock.

And some privacy…

That’s all.

7

Everybody’s heard the “no brown M&M” story but most don’t know the story behind the story.

8

I want Van Halen to make all my demands for me.

9

Absolute privacy, and chilled Martinelli’s apple juice on demand.

10

Only people with incomes of less than $35,000 a year get to sit in the front row–for free. Actually, make that the first FIVE rows.

You can only play on my private yacht if you bring your dog–and it must be dressed in darling little doggie clothes.

Anyone who smokes within 100 feet of me will be arrested on trumped-up charges.

I will stop eating until Oprah’s chef and personal trainer agree to come to work for me.

I will be awakened each morning by the scent of a triple espresso machiato being served to me in bed.

That is all.

[sub]That was fun, though fleeting. sigh[/sub]

11

I just want one thing, and one thing only, a cup full of milk from a lactating Alligator.

12

Dodo eggs, over easy.

13

My own private bathroom with hot tub and Jacuzzi. Pristine white and not to be entered by anyone but me.

14

Chanting.

All the time; alseep or awake.

Of my praises, of course.

15

Just a nice, comfy brass bed, king size …

and a couple of naked groupies chained to it.

16

–Watermelon balls scooped from the inner most part of the watermelon, but not too close to the rind because the watermelon becomes tart and less sweet in those areas, and I know the difference.

–A minimum of three different selections of dark chocolate. At least one of these selections must contain dark chocolate covered cherries, and at least one of these selections must contain either salted almonds or salted cashews.

–Pizza. Pizza hut sauce on Poppa Johns crust with a minimum of 5 pepperoni pieces, maximum of 7 per slice. Slices should be no bigger than 4 inches of crust width.

–Coke. Regular, not diet. Cans only. Chilled for a minimum of 8 hours at 35 degrees. With five to six cubes of ice in an insulated Git-N-Go cup.

–Caress soap. New bar, with Caress imprint facing up, so I can read it. This must be placed not more than 2 inches, not less than 1.5 inches from a 100% cotton unbleached, white wash cloth in my personal bathroom.

About my personal bathroom…

–Dual overhead lighting. One bulb must be a minimum of 100 watts, and the other 40 watts. Each of these must be individually wired for individual AND duel access.

–Soundproof in regards to both the inside and the outside of the bathroom. No need to have the peons hear me doing my personal business.

–Toilet seat warmer, set at 82 degrees.

–The most recent editions of People, Readers Digest, and Better Homes and Gardens magazines, with the mailing and advertisment inserts already removed. There will be hell to pay if there is even one of those inserts left in the magazines!

17

If I’m on the West Coast, freshly made White Castle burgers. If I’m on the East Coast, then In 'N Out.

18

These all seem like perfectly reasonable demands to me. :wink:

I remember hearing about a classical-music diva, a singer, who was being driven in a limo to a gig. She didn’t like the music the limo driver was listening to. Rather than politely ask him to change the station, she used her cell phone to call her manager, who called the limo agency, which called the driver on *his * cellphone to ask him to change the station.

Maybe an urban legend, but I love that story. The essence of diva-hood.

19

Like Van Halen (Little Nemo, 'ya beat me!), the contract will contain a clause requiring a bowl of peach strawberries in the dressing room, to make sure that the house not only has read the contract but that they will pick up the phone and ask for clarifications when they don’t understand something rather than wrecking the show by winging it. The electrical, rigging and similar sections will require things like 50 amp 110V duplex outlets as well (no such thing), to make sure that those guys are following both the contract and code (either that, or to find out just how easy it is to piss off electricians.)

Beyond that, I’d probably have some requirement that the crew will be allowed to interact with the touring company whenever it does not interfere with operations, just to let the locals know that we’re friendly. I’d also require a five foot distance between the security fence and front stage left and right, espressly to give the hands a place to stand when watching the show.

20

All back stage toilets must use hot water, between 101 and 103 degrees fahrenheit. If I have to poop into cold water I will not go on. If I see or hear a Celcius reference I will throw a telephone at someones head. Oh, and an assortment from the nearest brewpub, even if it’s in another country.