You have personal assistants waiting on you hand and foot. Your every whim is catered to. The bigwigs will do anything to keep the Talent (that’s you, darling!) happy. What are the “little things” you insist upon? Here are mine:
I will insist that good tea be available at a moment’s notice. There will be single-estate Darjeelings (first, second, and autumn flush), hearty Keemuns, floral Pouchongs, creamy, smokey Lung Chings, and delicate whites. The tea will be prepared properly, and the jerk who brings me an overbrewed green gets canned on the spot. (IRL, I really am this picky about tea, but because it’s only Real Life, I’m the one who makes it, which makes me just eccentric and geeky. If I was able to order others to make tea for me I think I could vault over the line to bizarre and demanding.)
If the outside temperature dips below 50 degrees Fahrenheit in any given 24 hour period, my towels will be heated. (My mom has a plug-in towel warming rack, and by god, if there was even one more square foot of room in our ridiculously small bathroom, I would have one, too. What luxury!)
I am not to be disturbed while I am doing yoga. There will be a guard outside the door to prevent anyone from barging in. The phone will not ring. Anyone making an unreasonable amount of noise within 50 yards (are you listening, neighbor-dog?) will be briskly relocated. (sigh I really need a Yoga Thug to provide this service.)
My bagels will always be spread with real cream cheese, not that “spreadable” stuff. That stuff tastes like plastic.
All my beverages must be served in the appropriate Riedel glass. I will bitch and moan because Riedel does not make coffee mugs or orange juice glasses.
I want my pugs with me at all times, everywhere. Yes, even in the restaurant.
All the Okonomiyaki (Japanese Pizza) I can eat. Everywhere and anyplace, for as long as I am draling a paycheck. Just so I can see if they can handle such a logistics problem
No pickle shall touch my plate or my food. Ever. My pickle-enforcer will follow the cute, efficient and charming waiter/waitress (I will permit no other type) and observe my food being made.
None of my entourage shall ever wear pink, day-glow or noisy shoes. Any bling-bling will confer an instant removal from my presence.
Unreasonable and eccentric demands are my forte. Other than the obligatory demands for high dosages of fellatio…[ul]
[li]As I leave the door, a runner is to come screaming around the house [they have to use the servant’s entrance, natch] and place my favorite sunglasses on my face. [/li][li]I am to get a morning shiatsu massage while I enjoy my breakfast of strong coffee.[/li][li]Rather than listen to audiobooks, favorite authors are abducted and forced to ride with me and narrate their works while I am chauffeured about town. Dead authors are exempt, and a swimsuit model may guest narrate in these cases.[/li][li]Guinness. 50 deg. F and with a frothy head each evening when I get home. If I’m already drunk, ice tea, but someone has to listen to me berate them for not getting me a Guinness.[/li]During the week, a scribe will take down my dictation for petty offenses and transgressions I perceive among my hangers-on and staff. Once a week I will hold court, and hand down punishments ranging from the silly to the severe.[/ul]
I heard that the reason for the no brown M&Ms was to know whether or not the site people had read the contracts for the gig set up. If there were brown m&ms then it was likely they did not have the electrical set up and stage stuff correct either.
My coffee shall not be made by electrical means. Boiling water through a non-electrified cone filter, unbleached, and into a glass carafe. Real heavy cream and raw sugar only. No plastic cups for water. Real glass only, please. Water will be distilled only. The only real spoon is a long handled tea spoon. I also want my coffee given to me in a zarf. Even a plactic zarf from solo would do. Otherwise a ceramic coffee cup will do. The brim must be substancially wider than the base and it should hold exactly one cup.
There will be chilled Pepsi at all times. In glass bottles. Import it from Mexico if you have to.
Not only will there be a Macintosh with a live, high-speed wireless internet connection at my disposal at all times, but I insist that all computers in use on-site also be Macintoshes.
The complete recorded works of XTC must be available for listening at any time.
Every episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 ever made should be available for viewing on a large flat-screen TV.
My people will walk ahead of me and remove from my line of sight anyone wearing spandex or those sweatpants with writing on the ass, sporting mullets, or holding Vuitton handbags or any fake variation thereof.
I am not to be picked up in a limo. I will do my own driving in one of these. I’ll have them in several colors, of course, to match my moods. My people will ride ahead to clear traffic. Lights will be kept green so I don’t have to slow down.
A Tim Hortons employee will be at hand at all times, with the proper equipment to brew me fresh coffee.
Celine Dion songs are never to be played within range of my hearing.
I must have organic everything including furniture. No ugly wallpaper. No one may talk on a cellphone around me without express permission. No one is to ask permission, it may only be given when I feel like it.
My dog must accompany me everywhere I go. She is to be served gourmet selections of meat and bones with a supplement of high-grade dog food. Under no circumstances should she get the canned stuff.
Male servants must wear loin cloths. Heck, same with the female servants, but they may wear tops (optional).
I will never see a bill or have to go run any errands. My personal assistants will take care of my every whim.
Nobody may be taller than me while in my presence. If a person is taller than me they must do a duck walk so that they are an inch or so below my height. They may not walk on their knees, as I would find that distracting. They must walk normally while squatting to just below my height.
Well, I would have several different servants, the odd ones are:
Friend Servant: Duties include being by my side until I get sick of you. Tell me interesting things. You must be attractive, but not more attractive than me. You are a good accessory.
Coffee Servant: You will have a pager. Friend servant will page you when I need Starbucks (what are friends for, right?). You must always be within 2 minutes of starbucks, yet not further that 5 minutes from me (You know anywhere you go there is a Starbucks a 5 minute drive away).
Then I would obviously have a cook, personal trainer, maid, driver, hair stylist…etc.
